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'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

(856 Posts)
cupofteaplease Tue 06-Nov-12 21:05:40

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

cupofteaplease Sun 08-Dec-13 06:40:26

Trumpton That sounds lovely smile
Barbarian Your words sound perfect. Last year, we received cards that said 'To A, B, C, D and remembering Beatrice this Christmas time,' which was very much appreciated. This year, she's been missed off completely which is so, so hurtful.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Sun 08-Dec-13 08:25:28

I know what you mean about Beatrice's death being incomprehensible. It becomes more so every day, for me. The sadness can just engulf you, your little girl no longer being here, yet life continues somehow with no recognition of this wrongness.

No mention of Mia on any Christmas cards here either...

Trumpton Wed 18-Dec-13 07:03:30

Beatrice's silver butterfly is clipped to my display of paperwhite narcissi. The scent of them fills my kitchen . Thinking of you all.

saffronwblue Wed 18-Dec-13 08:54:44

Beatrice is remembered by me at Christmas time.

cupofteaplease Thu 19-Dec-13 20:42:56

I'm sorry people haven't written Mia's name, it makes no sense to me.
I sign my cards with our four names and a little star for Beatrice, I had someone tell me that they loved the idea- she knew straight away what the star meant.
Thank you for remembering Beatrice, and the butterfly sounds perfectly festive smile

Asheth Sat 21-Dec-13 19:35:15

Beatrice has not been forgotten by MN! I didn't have the privilige of meeting Beatrice, but I often think of her when I switch my Christmas tree lights on, as I remember you saying how much she like lights and all things twinkly and sparkly. Sending much love to all the Tea Set this Christmas xxx

Lovethesea Sat 21-Dec-13 20:56:46

Thinking of her too and if i were sending you a card I would name the beautiful Bea. She is part of your family always.

Myrrhtle Sun 22-Dec-13 22:12:31

Remembering your little star, Beatrice this Christmas.

Cup I hope you and the teaset can find comfort in each other in the next few days.

wetaugust Tue 24-Dec-13 22:30:52

Cup. Wishing you and your family a peaceful Christmas x

Trumpton Wed 25-Dec-13 00:05:50

Curled up in my bed with a hot water bottle and sending you all best wishes x

zebrafinch Wed 25-Dec-13 00:50:31

The twinkling fairy lights reminded me of Beatrice. Best Christmas wishes to all the Teaset.

cupofteaplease Sat 28-Dec-13 10:15:23

Thank you for thinking of my girl over Christmas smile It was a bearable day; I'd given Christmas Eve to thinking about Beatrice, so I managed to focus on the older girls on the actual day.

I dreamed about her last night for the first time in so long. She had some disabilities, but not as severe as before. She was eating purée from a spoon and really smiling at me. She was moving her arms with purpose. And she was beautiful, so incredibly beautiful.

I woke up feeling very calm, it was so lovely to see her, I'm missing her so much. But now I feel a little sad, because I wish I could dream of her every night and then she wouldn't feel so far away.

Rowgtfc72 Sat 28-Dec-13 14:41:54

Sounds like Bea letting you know she's still with you! I often think of your little girl,hope 2014 is good to you and your family.

Lovethesea Sat 28-Dec-13 16:25:29

Praying that the good dreams come often, that the bad memories fade and are outshone by the joy and love Bea was surrounded by for all her days and nights. You are doing incredibly and were a blessing to Bea and blessed by her x

MimsyBorogroves Sat 28-Dec-13 16:29:07

I thought of Beatrice over Christmas too, cup. Your wonderful, beautiful girl lives on in your hearts, and those of MN.

MysteriousHamster Tue 31-Dec-13 22:33:32

I've been thinking about Beatrice today. She touched so many lives - I will always remember her, in 2013, in 2014, onwards, always.

cupofteaplease Tue 31-Dec-13 22:58:06

Thank you for the messages, I love that she is remembered here. smile

I can't really say 2013 was a good year, because it was pretty relentless. There were days in the early part of the year when my grief felt so suffocating I was worried I wouldn't survive it.

That said, I feel incredibly anxious to be moving into another new year. I desperately don't want to move even further away from her and the last time I saw her face. I can't believe she's been gone longer now than the time we had with her. She was only here for a such a short time yet she blew my world apart. She was so small but had a phenomenal ability to steal my heart completely. I wish she could have stayed for longer, it will be my life-long regret that she left me too soon. There was so much more to say to her and so much more I wanted to show her and share with her.

I just miss her.

Happy new year to everyone else. I hope 2014 brings great things.

Mignonette Wed 01-Jan-14 17:43:45

Just popping over to the board to say that I remember Beatrice.

The most vibrant are the most missed.

My niece was born with severe damage to her brain last July. I flew to the country where she was born to be with my Brother when they took her off life support then at the last minute they decided she was 'salvageable' (their words). I thought of Beatrice on the plane over and imagined how stricken her death must have left you all but didn't know whether it would be appropriate of me to come onto your 'safe space' to let you know.

However it is another year and I wanted to tell you that your daughter and all of your family are carried forward in my heart and my thoughts.


cupofteaplease Fri 03-Jan-14 21:35:14

I'm feeling despondent this evening. I'm wondering why Beatrice was born with so many disabilities. I really feel today that I want answers, it's so frustrating that no one can tell us if her conditions were inherited or de novo. It makes no difference to Beatrice of course, but I feel so frustrated and cheated. It's overwhelming this evening.

GinSoakedMisery Fri 03-Jan-14 21:42:59

Happy New Year Tea.

Are you stil having counselling to help you with this?

Can I say, when I decorated my tree in December I thought of Bea. I have a gorgeous tinkerbelle ornament I bought from Disneyland the year Bea passed away and I know you love Disneyland, so when I put it on the tree in 2012 my thoughts were with your family and for Bea, and have done it 2013 as well. Hope that doesn't sound weird.

cupofteaplease Fri 03-Jan-14 22:02:59

Mignonette Did your niece survive being taken off life support?

Gin No I haven't had counselling since July. It was too difficult in the summer holidays with the older girls around and then I went to full time work in September so I can't see my counsellor any more. I have one last bereavement group at the hospice later this month, but I'm scared about it being the last one. It will be strange not going back there anymore. The other parents in our group had children with disabilities, but all with a diagnosis. It's hard knowing Beatrice never had a named condition, she is still a SWAN (Syndromes Without A Name).

I think it's lovely that you remembered Beatrice when you hung your Tinkerbell decoration! We have some special decorations on our tree for her too.

GinSoakedMisery Fri 03-Jan-14 22:24:17

Are you able to meet up with others from the group once it is finished or would tat be too hard for you?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Mon 06-Jan-14 19:00:12

I haven't posted on your thread for ages as saying "I am thinking of you" or "I was remembering something of Beatrice earlier" as it seems so throw away, but I do think of you. I think of your husband and older girls. I think of Beatrice. I remember the day I bought the bibs. I think of her a lot. We will never forget her on MN.


Mignonette Mon 06-Jan-14 20:05:44

Hi Cup How kind of you to ask. Yes my niece survived with as yet unknowable consequences. She has damage to her brain. She cannot move her legs independently of each other and has to use her core to pull them up but she tries to weightbear. She is being medicated for ?Epilepsy but again, they think she might outgrow it as not 'true' Epilepsy. She appears to be cognitively unscathed. That is a miracle but I will never feel safe again and neither will her parents. She is beautiful.

Hoping that this evening, those memories of your lovely children bring smiles rather than tears. x

Practicallyperfectnot Sat 11-Jan-14 12:08:37

Today's much needed sunshine made me think of Beatrice.

I've been told there are more unnamed conditions than named ones / we are in the midst of years of genetic testing to find a cause to our Hypermobility but have been told we may never know. It's hard to think we may never know. I hope you were offered genetic testing in case you may be given an answer sometime as it seems geneticists can keep testing DNA etc as and when new tests and knowledge become available. Do the geneticists have Beatrice's DNA somewhere?

Hope today's sunshine has reached you.

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