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'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

(856 Posts)
cupofteaplease Tue 06-Nov-12 21:05:40

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

frostyfingers Wed 27-Feb-13 18:03:42

That is so bad Cup - your GP obviously has had an empathy bypass, how dare he suggest how you might be feeling. Is there another you can see next time? I do hope so.

As for the headstone, it seems incredible that a company dealing with bereaved families can be quite so insensitve, you did so well NOT to go mad at them. Your chosen inscription is beautiful, you have such a way with words. Best wishes.

thewhistler Wed 27-Feb-13 18:28:32

What a perfectly awful GP. How extraordinarily condescending, infuriating and emotionally illiterate. Insensitive does not begin to describe it.

I'm sorry about the Diocese. I know they are often strict. But your stone masons sound much nicer and v sensible. Our ones in my home village turn a blind eye to many of the rules, though not all of them.

So, instead, or rather as well, can you create another lasting memorial to Bea? Somewhere where you bury a timecapsule with the words you would have had, and put stones on it, adding a stone from each of you from time to time? So you create a memorial cairn? And if archaeologists dig it up in 1000 years they will find the memory of a perfect child? Or bury it in a river bank where butterflies will pass?

zebrafinch Sat 02-Mar-13 10:26:37

The inscription you have chosen is beautiful.
I think about Beatrice and your family often.
Take care of yourselfCup

fhdl34 Sat 02-Mar-13 21:46:09

What a fitting inscription. I'm so sorry you had to go through that with that awful company, they should be ashamed of themselves.

Trumpton Fri 08-Mar-13 05:11:29

My thoughts are with you and, as always, your words touch my heart. As this weekend approaches take care of yourself and cherish the memories of your beautiful butterfly girl .

pearlgirl Fri 08-Mar-13 21:13:41

Just checking in - have been thinking of you and your girls today.

50ShadesofXmas Fri 08-Mar-13 22:47:30

Beatrice is only ever a heartbeat away, thinking of you and your family.

CarrieDon Sat 09-Mar-13 17:48:49

Still thinking of your beautiful Bea. Take care x

cupofteaplease Sun 10-Mar-13 10:11:28

Oh Beatrice, where are you? Mummy's heart is hurting today. I've got too much love in it and it aches. I wish you were here then I could hug away the hurt. I haven't sung your songs in so long. I miss you so much and i can't be a mummy without you. You took so much of my identity with you when you left me, I don't know who I'm meant to be anymore but the remainder of me doesn't make for a very good person. You helped me grow Beatrice, you taught me so much but now those lessons are wasted, I've got nothing to use them for. I'm lost.
Mothers Day. Well, that's not a day meant for me anymore. I'm not a mother, not without you here. I'm a carcass of who I once was. You made me a good person, Beatrice, and you took it all with you. I hope that means you still have the best of me and our love, wherever you are.

Trumpton Sun 10-Mar-13 11:37:51

But you are still a mother. A mother to Bea who was with you for such a short time and a mother to your girls who love you so much and who you love too. i am so sorry for the pain you are in. I light a candle and send you love.

TCOB Sun 10-Mar-13 14:03:42

Cup - you are always Bea's mummy and will be forever more. There is no waste in her short, incredible, beautiful, strong, meanginful, powerful life. She was small and mighty because of her mother and all she ever knew was love. Happy Mother's Day to the greatest mother I have ever had the privilege to 'know' x

Trumpton Mon 11-Mar-13 05:44:34

Posting in the early hours to let you know that you were inmy thoughts yesterday and I lit my bird lantern and put it on the table with the cake that Dd1 made for tea. The birds are swallows but in my mind the shapes were butterflies swooping over the sunlit meadows.

cupofteaplease Mon 11-Mar-13 10:36:14

Thanks for your kind words. We spent the rest of the day doing things Beatrice would have enjoyed- the cinema, church for Mothers' Day service where I sang very loudly, to make sure she could hear me. Some friends ran a local 10k run in her memory yesterday so we went to see them afterwards to say thank you and offer our congratulations. Then it was time for tea and an early night. I survived the day, as I knew I would. But I wish I could live again, rather than survive. But I don't want to live without Beatrice, so it's a fine line I'm walking. I'm so full of anger at the moment and it's making me very anxious and emotional. I can't wait to see my counsellor tomorrow as I need to offload and ask for advice. How can I 'live' with all this anger, when I know that I'm not ready to let go of it, either? I don't want to be happy for other people yet, but being jealous of them and angry with them isn't making me any happier either. What am I looking for? What do I want? I'm so mixed up at the moment it's like wading through treacle.

Rowgtfc72 Mon 11-Mar-13 19:56:20

Cup,have followed your story from the start and post occasionally. Didnt want you to think your post had gone unread. Hope your appointment tomorrow helps you make some sense of what youre feeling .

Squiglettsmummy2bx Mon 11-Mar-13 20:07:08

Oh cup, I think of you all often & wonder how you are doing. I'm sorry it is all so hard& hope offloading helps you.
Big hugs & much love xxx

PlentyOfFreeTime Wed 13-Mar-13 00:13:05

It feels right now like the anger will never pass - but it will.
Take care

MNPin2013 Wed 13-Mar-13 19:21:40

The inscription is so Bea Cup and I am so glad you are now dealing with professional caring people. I would be tempted to do a trip advisor review of the other company just to vent.

cupofteaplease Fri 15-Mar-13 21:10:26

I'm so up and down at the moment, I can't predict how I will feel at any given moment. I'm so consumed with jealousy and rage, and that energy keeps me going. But today I feel shattered. Bone tired with sadness and grief. I cried tonight all the way home from work. I can't get any pleasure from it at the moment, I feel such a fraud being there when my mind is always, always with Beatrice.
But coming home offers no comfort. It's too quiet without her here. I miss the hum of the oxygen concentrator and the beep of the sats monitor. That oxygen was keeping her alive, and the silence is a cruel reminder that she's gone.
I'm finding it so hard to remember the good times which terrifies me. This evening, I remembered when my mum first visited her at home and she looked in the Moses basket and began to cry. She said it was so sad as 'you get nothing back from her' because she couldn't respond to sounds then and would lie stiff and stare straight ahead. She'd be wrapped in multiple layers to keep her warm and she was so fragile. Like a porcelain doll. It's hard to think how much she grew and developed in her short life.
I just want her back, I can't cope without her and I don't want to cope without her. The pain is physical. It's a tight knot deep in my throat and it burns. I don't want to hurt anymore, I just want her home, tucked up with her mummy. I want to sing her songs and smooth her hair and kiss her over and over as I hug her tightly.
All those kisses I gave her, thousands because I knew they were time-limited. And still, they weren't enough. I'm starved of her, like oxygen to breathe, I need her back. My arms are so empty, but my heart is bursting. I need to give that love to her, but I can't.
Mummy needs you Beatrice, it's too hard.

Dutchoma Fri 15-Mar-13 22:49:24

Praying for you that you will sleep and rest in the secure knowledge that Beatrice is in a place where pain and grief can no longer touch her.

oneandnomore Fri 15-Mar-13 22:53:33

Oh cup, I know there are no words. Just know that if we could bear this terrible pain for you, we would.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so very low, it is so very early for you and your lovely family in your journey without the lovely Beatrice.

Look after yourself. xx

MelodyBaker Sat 16-Mar-13 07:32:08

cup I am so sorry. Bea will be watching over you, with god happy and no longer in pain.
You sound like a wonderful person from your posts and your love for your dc come through all off them.

sarahbanshee Sat 16-Mar-13 23:17:53

Oh cup. So sad for you. Remember a life filled with love IS a life worth living. It's true for you as it was true for your amazing Beatrice.

saffronwblue Sun 24-Mar-13 09:09:08

Cup I was listening to an old Seekers song and you and Bea came into my head.

^Though the carnival is over
I will love you till I die^

Your love and your pain are so strong. I don't know what to say except that so many people are thinking of you.

Saddayinspring Sun 24-Mar-13 11:59:16

Cup I have followed your thread and now find myself on the board with the death of my mum over the weekend.
I feel numb but know at the funeral it will be different.
However my experience contrasts with when I lost my father to a sudden cardiac arrest in the 1990 s when I had no experience of death and grief and was not expecting it at all.
There was a series of events that led up to his death such as missed calls and his sister being very ill at the time who then also died and my mum being very ill ( who was hospitalised but recovered, although disabled ) .
The grief I felt then was overwhelming and I could hardly breathe when I was told on the phone what had happened. The guilt and loss were just too much... I felt so responsible and desperately went over everything time and time again to try to sort it out and put it right while knowing I could n't. It was horrific and I couldn't go into shops hardly for fear of seeing reminders.. Father's Day cards golf accessories, songs, Scottish things. I had counselling with Cruse.. I could not even talk on the phone when I rang them I just sobbed.
I seemed to cry continuously for weeks, in the car, during conversations, at home.

I relate this just to try to soothe you... That was in 1999 and 14 yrs later I still love and respect my father above anyone else in the world but the pain eased and he is now a part of my life and personality within me. I still think of what he would say, his gentle ways etc but they provide me with pride and comfort now instead of intense pain.

The pain you feel is a reflection of how much you cared and how close your bond was.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I recognise the pain, I promise you it will ease but it may take a year or more, gradually improving.Cruse were very good but you have to be ready to talk before starting... For me that was a whole year after his death. I was still wracked with guilt and shock even then.

I wish you strength and hope x

Saddayinspring Sun 24-Mar-13 12:14:09

Sorry just to clarify.. I felt guilty and wanted to fix it because that is what I am like, I hadn't missed anything or done anything wrong at all. It was just part of the grief.

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