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my 4 year old daughters dad killed himself

(7 Posts)
larrissa Tue 30-Oct-12 12:04:56

2 months ago my 4 year old daughters dad killed himself. its so hard to cope with. i am a young mum and never had to cope with anything like this before. my problem is whenever someone brings it up i pretend its not happening, so how am i suppose to support her when i cant even deal with it myself?? any advice??

Jakadaal Tue 30-Oct-12 15:27:03

So sorry Larissa. My only experience is from when my DC (adopted) birth father was killed in traumatic circumstances. DC were about 6 and 7 at the time. We told them a couple of months later very calmly and very matter of factly so that it became 'normalised' iykwim. We did not want to be the holder of secrets so felt it important that they knew quite quickly. We also drip fed a little until they knew the full story. However I do appreciate that they had no relationship with him so it was a difference scenario. My only advice would be to be honest with her, let her talk about it as she wants to, if you become upset let her know its cos you feel sad and thats ok. Finally look after yourself and make sure you have some RL support ((hugs))

123caughtaflea Tue 30-Oct-12 23:52:05

Larrissa, my condolences to you and your daughter.

My father took his life when I was 11 and my brother was 6.

For starters, I think you should know that we are both functioning, competent adults, graduates (I have 2 degrees and am working on the masters, he has a masters), in reasonably good jobs, I am a parent, he is engaged. Marked yes, scarred yes, but I don't think anyone who didn't know would know if you see what I mean. It's one hell of a big deal, but it can be gone through and your daughter will be OK.

That said, my mother collapsed completely for years and we had to carry her through. I don't think that was good for anyone. I think in your daughter's best interests, you need to get yourself some support, quite probably professional, because you are her best and closest support. She needs you, so you need to do whatever it takes to be strong and there for her. Sorry. But in my experience, otherwise it feels like losing two parents at once. By the way, I don't mean you shouldn't cry and acknowledge your grief in front of her, but she shouldn't have to carry you.

Hope that makes sense. Feel free to ask if you have queries.

Thinking of you. x

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 31-Oct-12 00:08:33

I'm really sorry sad I take it you weren't still together?

I don't really have anything to add to what has already been said, but if you keep this bumped there are others on here in your situation that will also be able to help you through this.

Take care of yourself as well as your DD.

<123 - I'm sorry about your Dad & your Mum - it must have been really really hard on you x>

larrissa Thu 01-Nov-12 13:59:09

Thank you everyone for ur words and advice.

yes we had separated but we was still very close, he was always the first person i turned to in everything, my ultimate best friend. i know i need to seek support professionally i just dont want to have to drag it all up and talk about it, even though i need to, i try and pretend its not really happening, that he will walk through the door any moment, and i know its not really good for me short term and long run il probably end up making myself ill.

its so hard because i know she is still young, but she does understand - to an extent. she knows hes up in the sky and he isnt coming down and she cries from time to time but obviously at her age she just cant understand why or how x

Goldmandra Fri 02-Nov-12 18:45:15

I'm sorry to hear such sad news for you and your DD.

Winston's wish might be able to give you some advice about how best to help your DD.

I think you should probably also see your GP about getting some support for yourself

Selks Sat 03-Nov-12 01:37:18

Sorry to hear of your and your daughter's loss. Winston's Wish is a fantastic source of help for your DD, but for yourself you might wish to check out this organisation for people bereaved by loss of a loved one by suicide
Best wishes x

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