am i normal for feeling like this ?

[gobbymare]

My nanna passed this morning, i knew it was coming this was the second time she was admitted for a serious chest infection in the last week, i have not seen my nanna for about 3 yrs, the last time i seen her was at my brothers funeral but we didnt speak because she was comforting my "mother".
I used to be close to my nanna when i was younger but having my own family and falling out with my "mother & sister" i kind of just stayed away from all of my family, i also didnt see my borther before he died because my parents didnt tell me he was on his death bed, which is half the reason i will never have anything to do with my parents, not to mention left him to die on his own because my mother is so effing selfish n having such a bad childhood.

I had a phone call last night to say nanna was on her last legs, and i think most ppl would have dropped everything and gone, but i was scared and also felt like i was being a hypocrit because i had not seen her in about 6 or 7 yrs other than the funeral, and nanna being nanna ( like nanna the catherine tate character ) would have said as much because she knew i would have shown my face now she was on her death bed and because i never wanted to bump into my so called mother or sister, now she has died i feel a bit shitty about not going but also i am debating not going to the funeral either because of my so called family.
My partner says go she was your nanna but just sit at the bk but i a really dont think i want to, am i selfish ?

[Jakadaal]

Sorry about your nanna. IMO funerals are for the living to gain closure. If you feel you say goodbye to your Nanna without having to go funeral and will have no regrets then don't go. However if you feel that need to go then go but as you say sit at the back if you feel that you want to avoid any conflict. You have every right to go (or not go) to the funeral - they are not by invite only. Either way be dignified, make peace with your Nanna in your heart and refuse to be judged by anyone either way

[Portofino]

Aah families can be shit. My advice - do what YOU want to do. Don't be guilted into anything.. Light a candle and remember your nana the way you want to. If you want to go to the funeral, go.

[gobbymare]

Mine most definatly is portofino, hence not having anything to do with them.
There would be no conflict from me thats for sure, i would point blank refuse to speak to them.
I just dont know what i want to do, i was like this at my brothers passing too, because i didnt see him for yrs either due to him being bedbound and couldnt talk only give thumbs up and him living with my parents and falling out with them couldnt go.
I did go to his service but didnt go to see him burried, and i have never been to his grave either.
I really cant seem to make my mind up.