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When love just isn't enough- Saying goodbye to Beatrice.(1000 Posts)
Well, here I am, back on the Bereavement boards, just 13 months after we given the news at birth that Beatrice Primrose was very poorly and would pass away soon. So I say 'only' 13 months, but my God we squeezed a lifetime into that time.
Beatrice passed away at 10.20am today- she was 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day old.
She eventually died of respiratory failure, as we always knew she would. She'd been suffering for about 2 weeks with pneumonia and it all came to a head last night. She was on 10 litres oxygen but thrashing around in pain. She even cried out, which was very unusual. She was given morphine, and an hour later her respiratory effort decreased. We were moved into a side room and dh was called. He arrived with Bea's sisters, and I inadvertently called my mum's mobile by mistake too, so she turned up as well. The girls said goodbye, then went to sleep whilst the adults all watched and waited as Beatrice's breathing became more sporadic and laboured.
However, before too long, in true Bea style, her sats rose enough to begin registering again and I realised her respiratory effort was increasing. We all breathed a huge sigh of relief and at 7am dh woke the girls to take them home for school, my mum left and Beatrice and I moved back into HDU with Beatrice on 15 litres o2 and her sats hovering around 80%. I closed my eyes and slept until 8.30. On waking, I noticed Beatrice was the same, but I was overcome with an urge to cuddle her. So, I lifted her out of the cot and cuddled her to me. As I did so, her sats went into free-fall.
I watched the monitor as her numbers decreased and called the nurse over. She looked worried as Beatrice didn't respond to suction. A male nurse came in and began to resuscitate Beatrice with a bag and mask as 2 doctors appeared and helped with a jaw lift. It was at this point that I was advised to call dh to come back to the hospital, which I did. We moved back into the side room and the team continued to bag Beatrice until dh arrived. At this point, we chose for resuscitation to be withdrawn and to just give Beatrice the 15 litres of o2 through a mask and allow her to slip away.
Her heartbeat was still strong, but her breathing effort was laboured. We removed all Bea's monitoring tabs and sats probe and gave her a lovely warm wash. We dressed her in a brand new babygrow and I put her hair up in a little top side knot. At this point a nurse came in to check her breathing and dh and I cried and cried and cried. Just as the gaps in her breathing were getting wider, Bea's lovely CCN who has supported her and us since week 1 came into the room. I know I was howling at this point and gripping Beatrice to me like the precious bundle she was. Finally, dh kissed her head, and Beatrice squeezed my finger in response. At this point, she made two gurgling noises, and she was gone.
I can't really explain that pain. I guess my chest was physically aching. But a weird twist of anxiety that had formed in the pit of my stomach over the previous weeks suddenly disappeared.
Then it was all go really. Phone calls made, mum and PIL came in and broke their hearts. Dh collected girls from school as the nurse checked Beatrice for 'leakages'. We made the decision to drive Beatrice to the hospice in our car so for this we needed a special letter and had to inform the police- who knew it is illegal to drive with a dead body in your car? The nurses took finger and foot prints, and we chose a curly lock of hair to cut off and keep, and the hospital gave us a lovely wooden box to keep her momentos in.
Then the girls arrived, and we took them into a side room to break the news. I did the talking, blabbermouth, and just reminded them of what I told them a year ago- Beatrice had become too poorly. The doctors tried to help her but they couldn't, so she had to go to heaven. I reminded them that she was very poorly, and normally healthy children like them don't just go to heaven so they didn't need to be scared for themselves. Then we sang This Little Light of Mine because there's a verse we always sang to Beatrice- "If you get to heaven before I doosy doosy, you get to heaven before I doosy doosy, tell those angels, I'm coming toosy toosy, children of the Lord". So we decided that Beatrice has gone to meet the angels, but warned them we're coming too one day! Then dd2 cried, but dd1 remained stoic.
We went back then to be with Beatrice and had our photos taken together. Then a couple of nurses came to say goodbye and we had to put Beatrice in her car seat (the law even when dead, again, who knew?)
We drove to the hospice and I held Beatrice's hand the whole way, although she was getting colder and colder. On arriving at the hospice, I was delighted to see the allocated carer was the first to book Beatrice in on her first stay back in February. We carried her to the Little Room, a chilled room where Beatrice can stay for 7 days. I tucked her up in a Moses basket with a blanket then we went out for a cup of tea and to begin the next chapter in our lives.
We were so pleased to find a family we became friends with from Lourdes are staying here, so we had cuddles and shared Bea stories while the girls cheerfully played with a helper.
After tea, I put the girls to bed and returned to the Little Room. I wrapped myself in a duvet and gave Beatrice a beautiful, long cuddle. She is so cold now and pale. BUT, her hair smells the same! It still smells like Beatrice, so I buried my face in in her curls, drank in the gorgeous scent and howled until my throat hurt. I rocked her and sang all her lullabies, then placed her back in the moses basket and said goodnight.
We asked for her feeding tube to be removed, and when dh went back over to see her, he confirmed they'd done this and took some beautiful pictures. My God, my girl is so adorable. So completely beautiful and at peace. She looks like a sleeping doll.
I'm in bed now. I've not slept properly for 48 hours, but I'm not even tired. I had a lump in my throat and I'm dreading tomorrow, I guess that's when the real hell starts.
I love you Beatrice, good night sweetheart.
So utterly utterly sorry. Beas life has touched so many, may she rest in eternal peace x
So so sorry to hear of your loss. I had a look at your photos of Beatrice on your profile page and her character shone through. I loved the pictures of her looking at lights x
Oh no, I am so sorry to do that. My thoughts are with you all xx
I am so, so sorry.
Will be thinking of your Beatrice.
Oh my goodness cupoftea - I had no idea and neither had I read any of yoru threads but I am sitting here in floods of tears. i am so very very sorry that you have had to go through this and I wish I could reach up and remove some of your pain or share it for you. Or turn the clock back and make things different. i am so very very sorry again - this is absolutely tragic . My love and peace to you my poor darling xxx
You must be feeling such painful grief, but what you write is also very beautiful and full of love and care. It's so clear that you did indeed pack a lifetime of love and cuddles into Beatrice's short life, and I'm sure she felt safe and loved right through. Beatrice Primrose is a beautiful name btw, and I have a picture in my head of a dear little girl with her hair in a top knot now. Cuddle Beatrice's sisters close; you're in my thoughts l.
Oh cup. I am in tears here for your beautiful baby girl and for the beauty and pain of the love your family share. I have followed Bea's journey from the beginning and have prayed for her many times ( and I don't pray normally). I am so so sorry for your loss and am so honoured to have been a cyber member of Team Bea.
Thank you for sharing Bea's precious days with the Mumsnet world. I hope you can get some sleep now to help you travel through the next hard hours, days, weeks, months and years. xx
Oh I'm so sorry, what sad news, I remember reading Beatrice's story last year and she and your family won my heart then. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers x
Cupoftea I am more sorry than words can say. What a lucky little girl she was to have you.
I am so sorry for your loss. May Beatrice rest in peace.
Your title is so heartbreakingly sad but says everything about how much you loved her that I was in tears before I even started to read your post.
I am in awe of you. You are just the most amazingly strong, kind, caring mother and as I said on the other thread I really feel that you being her Mummy gave Beatrice the length of life she had.
So so sorry.
I am so sorry for your loss cup and hope that you and your family have support and love to help you in the coming weeks and months. Thinking of you all tonight.
So sorry, may your little girl rest in peace xxx
This is heartbreaking to read, cup. That little girl was - and always will be - do precious and so loved. Xx
So, very, very sorry. Praying for you tonight xxx
Sending you and your family all the love in the world. xxx
I am so sorry. The Lord bless you and keep you x
What a brave post cup- thankyou for sharing your last precious moments with your darling girl. My heart is breaking for you- I hope you can get some rest. X
So sad to hear this. I remember Beatrice's story from last year. Such a beautiful name for a beautiful girl with those beautiful eyes.
Cupoftea am sobbing for you. So so sorry for your loss. Your girl has been an amazing inspiration, as have you and your whole family. Am sending you so much love. x
oh, cup - huge lump in throat here - you will miss her little self so much
your family has had such a blessed year (& 1 month)
but what peace for her now
Oh my goodness, I've been away for a week and I'm sat breaking my heart for you. You very very strong mummy. I salute you.
So much love and kindness coming to you from my home tonight. What a precious daughter.
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