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Has anyone felt angry at the rest of their family following loss of a loved one?

(18 Posts)
ILovePonyo Mon 15-Oct-12 19:35:39

I may be BU here. But I'm hoping someone can at least tell me this feeling will pass/that they have been through something similar.

My dad died suddenly in April and I'm finding it tough - I had counselling arranged with cruse but cancelled it last minute because I don't feel upto it yet.
My dad and mum have been separated for about 10 years and (this may sound bad) it was always me and my dad were closer, and my mum and my sister were closer if that makes sense.
After a weekend spent with my mum and sister I just felt really fed up and angry with them, they seem to be coping fine and it's me who's stuck behind feeling shitty because I miss my dad so much.
I can't talk to them about it much as they just don't talk about it confused
I think my point is that I'm pissed off that it's me 'left' with them and I won't see my dad again, I'm feeling very resentful of the fact that they are different to how he was and just seem to be Coping so well.

I need to get it together and appreciate tempe fact it still have my family, but it's easier to feel angry at the moment unfortunately.

(I'm typing this ony phone, twice the auto correct has changed a word to my dads first name shock smile)

Stellarella123 Mon 15-Oct-12 19:43:35

I can't speak from my own personal experience but my husband lost his mother, he was angry at everyone for a long time, especially his siblings and dad. Please go back to counselling, my dh put it off for years, and when he did go it helped him so much , I really feel for u- such a hard time x

Stellarella123 Mon 15-Oct-12 19:44:26

And that's spooky about autocorrect! Definetly your dad saying hello x

ILovePonyo Mon 15-Oct-12 19:49:25

smile thanks Stella, yeah the autocorrect is weird, I always called him 'dad' not his first name confused Nice weird though.

It's reassuring to hear about your dh. I know I need to go to counselling but the though of crying and booing in front of a stranger is putting me off blush I can cry on dp though! Thanks for replying smile

ClareMarriott Tue 16-Oct-12 14:06:46

Dear ILovePonyo

When a parent dies, you and the rest of the family do not enter a race to see who will get through the grieving process first. Even if you think your mother and sister are coping well, they may be masking a lot. ( One's public face is not necessarily the one you have on in private ) If you find that going to see a Cruse counsellor would help you, go ahead and do not feel embarrassed either to spend the time talking or in silence.

My own father died when I was 11 ( I am now 56 ) and my mother died when I was 45. I do still weep for them when I think of them. There is no set time when you should be over grieving for your father but you learn coping skills throughout your life that you use to deal with your life . Try and be kind to your mother and sister and I hope your dp is giving you support at this time Clare

ssd Tue 16-Oct-12 15:38:01

op, I so get what you are talking about, I will pm you later when I finish work x

ILovePonyo Tue 16-Oct-12 19:57:30

Thanks both.

Clare yes I understand what you are saying, and I believe my mum and sis are masking their feelings - I do need to remember that. I'm sorry for the loss of your parents, I find it both reassuring and scary when people say that you never truely got over it if that makes sense.

ssd I remember you from your other thread, hope you are 'ok' as can be. Will keep an eye out for your pm, thank you.

ssd Tue 16-Oct-12 20:14:13

hi ponyo, I'm clicking message poster but its leading me back to this page?? dont know why, but I'll reply to you here.

I know exactly what you mean, I feel the same about my siblings. They didnt seem to be so affected as me by mums death and it really hurt. They werent as close to mum as me and I was/am angry at the way they have moved on, like she didnt matter. It was really upsetting me, but I kind of had a conversation with mum in my head and its sorted me out. I know this sounds wierd, I find myself talking to mum in my head and her answers are usually spot on, I think it was because we are so close maybe I just know what she'd say, but it does feel like she's answering me. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I know what you mean, it is hurtful and its also hurtful when you feel others in the family are moving on and you cant. I think its only time that will help us come to grips with this.I know in my family no one is masking their feelings, they just werent as close to mum as me and I need to accept that.You know, maybe you and you dad were just closer than you and your mum and sister. Its not fair you've lost the parent you are the most close to, but we need to accept life isnt fair. I can well understand your anger and frustration and feelings of loss, I'd say try to accept you and your dad had a great relationship and celebrate this and be glad you were so close. Speak to him in your mind, you might get some answers there. I hope I dont sound too daft!! PM me anytime, if it works, or if not just write your feelings on here, I'm finding I feel different things everyday, no two days are the same, so one day you start accepting things then the next you are angry and despairing again. At least we have this place to come to pour out our feelings

ssd xx

ILovePonyo Tue 16-Oct-12 21:20:42

Hey ssd, don't know whats going on with the private messaging thing but thanks for replying. Can I say a big 'phew', it is such a relief to see that how I'm feeling isn't abnormal. Yep, life isn't fair and it completely sucks, I just try and remember that he didn't suffer which brings me some comfort.
I do speak to him in my mind! I can hear his replies too, I think it is because I 'know' what he'd say because we were close, like you and your mum. A few days after he died I left the top stairgate open and dd (age 14ish months) climbed from the top of the stairs to the bottom unharmed, I was angry with myself for doing that and remember thinking "thanks dad" I heard him reply "you only get that one mind" grin
I still can't look at photos of him without wanting to cry but I guess that will get easier.
I'm so sorry about your mum. I really appreciate you replying and it has helped - you definately don't sound daft smile
Take care x

ssd Tue 16-Oct-12 21:49:49

well, there's one thing I've learned/realised over the last 5 weeks and its this - whatever we are feeling at the time is normal! I've learned to trust myself on this. When one of my siblings asked "are you staring to get over it" a month after mum died, I realised my shock at this was normal, just as it was normal for them to get over it after a month

we are all so different, with different priorities (thats what my mum "told" me that day), we must try to accept this, and see that our extreme feelings of hurt and loss is due to the fact we really loved our mum and dad and this is a good thing, there must be many many daughters who never had the great relationship we have had

(thats what I tell myself anyway, inside I'm hurting so much, but like you I appear strong on the outside and I try to convince myself I'm doing ok...what else can we do sad)

ssd x

ILovePonyo Tue 16-Oct-12 22:05:56

God ssd hs it only been 5 weeks? I can't believe the 'getting over it' comment, I have to say you seem very wise with your acceptance of that and how it is normal for your sibling.

I do think I am so lucky to have had my dad, he was fab smile It still hurts so much that my dd won't know him properly but at least I did have him for 30+years.

What else can we do indeed, we have to carry on day to day don't we, your mum sounds like a wise lady and she has passed that on to you smile Off to bed soon, sending you an un-mnetty hug x

ssd Tue 16-Oct-12 22:23:55

thanks! TBH the other sibling told me its time to get on with my own life straight after the funeral!

what can I say....

I just didnt feel they were too affected, my friends who came to the funeral said the same..this so upset me, until my "chat" with my mum...thye have got different priorities to me, thats all

I dont know if I'm in denial, but I often feel mum is with me, in my heart and my head....I dont feel so alone when she's there, I cant explain this, but its helping me get through.

and you know what, I bet your dd sees your dad around when he's near you, but you cant see him, I think children are more able to do this than us as they aren't frightened by these things

Sabriel Wed 17-Oct-12 17:04:35

Our family had a similar set-up, dad was mine and mum was DB's. When dad died suddenly I realised I hadn't actually spoken to my mother for years shock. She would automatically pass the phone to dad, and when we visited I would talk to him, and mum would see to the DCs.

I was really angry for many years that my DB's life hadn't really changed - it had but not as badly as mine. Everyone was full of sympathy for my mum but just expected me to get on with it. I think it is one of the many normal reactions to the shock of bereavement. For you it's still very early days as well, so don't be hard on yourself.

carocaro Thu 18-Oct-12 10:57:56

Yes I know just how you feel. My parents were divorced when my Dad died and afterwards it was like they did not even register the loss on the same scale as I did, eg: our family unit. My Mum had long moved on, of course she was upset and felt it, but it was not the same. My brother was very flippant with it all (very long story) All this was 14 years ago and I retreated for a couple of years, I did not cut off contact but was not so proactive with getting together etc etc. I just really felt the need to deal with me and look after me and not worry about what everyone else was thinking and feeling iyswim. It definately helped, when we did get together and talked about it all it was easier to understand everyone and them me. Does that make sense? People are such idiots sometimes eg: your siblings comment at the funeral, my Uncle came up to me as we were scattering my Dad's ashes to tell me that I was very rude to him on the phone and to never do it again, seriously wtf? I too feel sad that my children will never know my Dad, but I do talk to them about him and show them photos, which is easier now they are older 5 & 10 and I can talk about him and look at photos without sobbing. It keeps him part of our lives and helps keep his memory alive in my family.

Greatresult Thu 18-Oct-12 11:16:14

I had counselling when my Dad died. It was a great relief to be told in the very first session that anger is a well recognised part of the grieving process. It is also understandable and permissible to be angry at your Dad for "leaving" you as it were. It's OK. Nothing to beat yourself up about. It is very early days. Take care of yourself.

ssd Fri 19-Oct-12 10:22:29

maybe I should consider counselling. I'm really angry with my siblings for their lack of grief/care/understanding. I started thinking about them y'day and tbh I hate them today. I thought I'd come to terms with this but its came flooding back. I dont know if I need grief counselling or family counselling. I know its just me who feels like this, they totally went back to their busy lives and dont think about mum/me. Mind you its always been like this, dont know why its still hurting me

Startliteangel Mon 22-Oct-12 10:39:37

I detest my family mum died recently ...and I haven't even seen her grave all kicked off on the day of the sister attacked me ..and I was ordered to leave the house by my father ..when I was the one who done everything for my parents ...they rest never bothered ...I'm very bitter ...I won ever forgive or forget what they done to me ..

ssd Tue 23-Oct-12 23:05:23

hi Startliteangel. I've read your posts, not in disbelief but in resigned sadness and empathy

parts of my family are shit too, the part that should be helping me and supporting me..they are all far too wrapped up in themselves to give a fuck

have you been to your mums grave yet? where are you, I'd come with you if you're near me. Try to go, for your sake and hers. I know it'll be so hard, but it might be another step for you. You'll probably be able to see if your relatives are there in the distance, cemetarys are usually so open unless the gravestones are huge.

I hope you get there soon, for your own sake.

ssd x

hugs and sympathy from me, I'm sorry sad

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