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It's his birthday today

(36 Posts)
MummyOnTheLoose Sat 29-Sep-12 09:04:46

My son would be fourteen today. He was killed in a crash when he was five. I know it's been so long, but it still hurts. He was travelling home from swimming with his friend in his friend's car, and a drunk driver crashed. His friend lost his arm and my son was killed.

I know it was nearly nine years ago, but it still hurts a lot, knowing that he'd always be five. I know the boy who lost his arm, and I know a few friends with 14yr old boys, and they're starting GCSEs, and whatever. Most of them have girlfriends, some of them play football, one of them plays cricket for the county in his age group, one of them's Gifted. They're all doing things, and my son could have been doing that, but he isn't because of a drunk driver.

I've got some old friends who were there to help me nine years ago, and they send birthday cards for him every year, and I know it sounds stupid, but I love having the cards for him, in fact, our counsellor reccommended not discouraging it. They know I don't want to play down his birthday and just like with my other kids, they recognise his special day.

My mother has already made it wrong. She woke me up with a text at six, to ask if I could come round to pick up the cat, because she was jetting off to the Carribean. I guess I'm just feeling annoyed- she knew it was a special day, I even texted her back to say 'it's Benjy's birthday today' and she never replied, she wasn't even thinking about him, but was going on a holiday we couldn't afford.

I didn't even know she was going on holiday, if she'd told me, I'd have picked the cat up the day before- or asked if someone could look after it for a day, leave out food, water and have the cat-flap or whatever, and I could look after it after today- I just want this day to be about him and my family, and my friends, going down to the nature reserve where we scattered his ashes, having a picnic, walking the dog, spending time together- no hassle, having a cake or some cupcakes, and in the afternoon, we'll go to the zoo, because we have a little plaque up next to the lion enclosure, to remember him (at the age of five, his three life ambitions were: to be a train driver, to have twenty one kids and to have a pet lion) and just do stuff without bothering about anyone else.

Even though they never met him, DD2 and my younger son understand that their big brother was born today, and even if they hadn't met him, they understand that I want to have people like my mother acknowledge it. My three year old woke me up to say 'happy bir'day Benjy' with a hand drawn card- and my mother can't even manage saying 'are you okay? do you need help?'

DD1 was three when he was killed, and she remembers him well for someone that age when he died. When he died, she went to play therapy, directive play therapy, because of the death, but also because she had this obsession with being on time. The friend was a few minutes behind schedule to drop him off, and if they'd been on time, he'd be alive- though someone else could well be dead, and it doesn't matter anymore, she always likes structures and schedules and being on time, even now, so we always add a bit of structure to today to help her- and my mother's just thrown our plans because she lives an hour away. I have to support DH and DD1 and myself- and I can't do that.

cogitosum Sat 29-Sep-12 09:12:50

No experience but didn't want to read and run. Benjy sounds great (as do your other children) I don't know much about it but think that remembering his birthday the way you do is lovely

Is it possible your mum goes away to make it more bearable for her? (not that that would make it ok as she should be supporting you)

Anyway lots of hugs. You sound incredible xxx

cogitosum Sat 29-Sep-12 09:14:54

And could you ask a friend to pick up the cat for you? I'd do it in a shot of I knew you and your friends seem understanding so I'm sure one would help so you can have the day you need

Bluetinkerbell Sat 29-Sep-12 09:20:00

Happy birthday Benjy! Big hugs for you and your family today x

SavoyCabbage Sat 29-Sep-12 09:22:36

Happy Birthday to Benjy.

I'm not surprised in the slightest that it still hurts. There's nothing wrong with that at all.

Happy Birthday Benjy x
Lots of love to you all

Josiejumpismyname Sat 29-Sep-12 09:40:18

Happy birthday Benjy! Lots of love to you & your lovely family op xx

ISingSoprano Sat 29-Sep-12 09:48:23

The sun is shining here - I hope it is where you are too. Enjoy your day and remember your wonderful son. Lots of love. x

QuickLookBusy Sat 29-Sep-12 17:45:34

Happy Birthday Benjy.

I hope you've had a lovely special day for Benjy. He sounds a lovely boy.
I'm sorry your Mum hasn't been supportive, she should be there for you and it's horrible that she isn't. But I'm glad your friends know how much today means and send cards for Benjy.xx

Asmywhimsytakesme Sat 29-Sep-12 18:06:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buzzgirly Sat 29-Sep-12 19:32:09

Happy birthday Benjy.

I am so sorry that he is not with you to share it today. I hope it passes easily for you.

Thinking of you xx

expatinscotland Sat 29-Sep-12 19:38:12

Happy Birthday, Benjy!

whatnameshalliuse Sat 29-Sep-12 19:43:15

I just wanted to wish Benjy happy birthday and say how very sorry I am for your awful loss.

I too lost a son, it is now just past 10 years since we lost him to cancer, and I know how devastating it is to lose a child - the circumstances in which you lost Benjy are too cruel for words.

Love and peace to you all on this special day xxx

Stonefield Sat 29-Sep-12 20:00:49

I have just sat on my sofa and wept at your beautifully written post. You sound like an absolutely amazing mum and I bet your eldest son had a very lovely life because of you. Happy birthday benji.

Goldensunnydays81 Sat 29-Sep-12 20:09:28

Happy birthday Benjy,

Lots of hugs x

squishyotter Sat 29-Sep-12 20:10:33

Happy Birthday, Benjy! I hope he is peacefully enjoying the company of his Pet lion smile

Badvoc Sat 29-Sep-12 20:12:37

I am so sorry for your loss.
Happy birthday benjy x

PorkyandBess Sat 29-Sep-12 20:16:33

I have a 14 year old son who's being really stroppy today and I was just moaning at him about his bad mood.

This has made me stop and think.

What a horrendous tragedy - and at the hands of a drunk driver.

Happy birthday to Benjy and wishing you strength today, op.

PickledMoomin Sat 29-Sep-12 20:22:05

Happy birthday Benjy. X

greenhill Sat 29-Sep-12 20:33:06

Happy Birthday Benjy x

I was really moved when I read your post, I have a 5 yo DD, I hope that you and your family had a lovely day together in the end x

MummyOnTheLoose Sat 29-Sep-12 20:38:58

Thankyou. It turned out better than I hoped- I texted my brother to ask- he lives two hours away from my mother, but he got the cat and will look after it for a few days- but can't keep it for long. It was as nice a day as you can get when you're remembering someone. We put some flowers under the plaque with a little message, and a toy lion which we bought. We adopted a lion cub- it's five years old and it seemed perfect. A lot of money I guess, but it's nice and DS2 loves lions too, so will be a great Christmas present. We watched Doctor Who. A few friends came round. It was nice in it's way- but it felt too long and like I was a robot- going through the motions.

Sorry to hear that Whatnameshalliuse. However long ago it is, it still hurt.

HystericalParoxysm Sat 29-Sep-12 20:38:59

Happy birthday Benjy. You sound like a wonderful young man.

It's ok to still hurt, however long ago it happened. The pain of losing a child never goes away. I'm sorry your mother is being so insensitive. xx

QOD Sat 29-Sep-12 20:41:51

Happy birthday Benjy xxxx

I'm sorry mummyontheloose, how thoughtless of her

pumpkin2012 Sat 29-Sep-12 20:54:06

Happy birthday benjy Xx

MummyOnTheLoose Sun 30-Sep-12 09:16:52

Thanks everyone.

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