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8week miscarriage isn't quite the same as delivering a full-term stillborn?

(299 Posts)
Lira Wed 12-Sep-12 10:53:23

I'm really sorry for the upsetting nature of this post but i am heartbroken. Tomorrow is the third anniversary/birthday of my stillborn son who was born full term. I have phoned round my friends to ask if they are free to mark the occassion like we do every year. We go for lunch or something. We talk about him.

My friends have been quite evasive about it this year and finally one called this morning saying she thinks i should let it go. I can't keep letting this haunt me forever. She had a miscarriage at eight weeks a few years ago and i don't see her organising anniversary lunches etc. Her words.

I'm so sorry if this sounds cruel, but to me - yes, they are two horrible situations but not quite the same. Delivering a full term baby, and holding him, getting a photo of him etc is not on the same level as a eight week miscarriage. Just as i think someone losing a child - for example a baby to cot death - is again far worse than delivering a still born.

I understand that everyone has different emotional boundaries. So for some people, a miscarriage at 4 weeks could feel the same as someone losing a child to cot death.

Basically, i jusst feel quite embarrassed now and isolated. I want to celebrate Ethan's life no matter how short it was. But i've been made to feel it's insignificant. Am i being unreasonable thinking both of our children's deaths are terrible, but not quite on the same level?

Bluefrogs Thu 13-Sep-12 09:42:07

Thinking of you today Lira,hope you are able to celebrate Ethans birthday in a fitting way.
Hope that it gives you some comfort today to know that actually there are lots of people who really do want to share your day and celebrate with you!
I'm looking outside and it looks like a beautiful day xx

janey1234 Thu 13-Sep-12 09:44:10

Happy birthday Ethan.
Thinking of you lira and all you others who have tragically lost children. You've moved me to tears on several occasions on this thread, sending much love and strength to you all xx

frasersmummy Thu 13-Sep-12 10:11:27

happy birthday ethan...hope the day passes peacefully for you today Lira

I hope you can take some crumb of comfort from all the people on here thinking of you and your family today

bluefrogs .. send some sunshine north of the border please

Saltycopporn Thu 13-Sep-12 10:38:04

Wishing you all the best for today Lira. My thoughts are with you and your beautiful son Eithan.

onceortwice Thu 13-Sep-12 10:51:22

Happy birthday Ethan. x

pumpkinsweetie Thu 13-Sep-12 10:55:02

Happy Birthday Ethanbear xx

dinkystinky Thu 13-Sep-12 11:41:19

Happy birthday Ethan - sending love to you, your mum and sister

AmberLeaf Thu 13-Sep-12 11:43:01

Happy birthday Ethan x


JugglingWithPossibilities Thu 13-Sep-12 12:50:55

Some beautiful early autumn sunshine here today for Ethan's birthday.

As mince said - sharing your happiness and sadness today Lira

Hope you have been able to share a gentle day with those who care, and that the sun has come out where you are too x

QuickLookBusy Thu 13-Sep-12 16:12:20

Special wishes for Ethan's Birthday and love to you and your family Lira.

Lots of mumsnetters are thinking of your special boy today.x

GladbagsGold Thu 13-Sep-12 17:43:01

Happy Birthday Ethan - love to you Lira x

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Thu 13-Sep-12 17:48:38

Special Love for Ethan on his birthday, much love to Lira and your family today. xx

Lira Thu 13-Sep-12 18:44:17

Thank you all so so so much. It's wonderful to know that Ethan was in other people's thoughts today, not just mine. I've had a lovely quiet and relaxing day on my own. I had a little cry earlier but feel much better about it. I think i was crying more about my friends/family not acknowledging today more than the fact Ethan is gone if you see what i mean?

I picked my daughter up from school at 3pm and we went to the park and then went for an ice cream.

My friend text earlier to say sorry for hurting my feelings and she hopes i'm okay. So not quite as heartless as i thought.

Again, thank you so much. Ethan hasn't gotten much more respect from this thread than he ever did in RL. Love and blessings to you all and your angel children. xxxxxx

Lira Thu 13-Sep-12 18:49:02

*has gotten

Crumblingslowly Thu 13-Sep-12 18:50:02

Was thinking about you and your precious Ethan today Lira.
he has not been forgotten xx

QuickLookBusy Thu 13-Sep-12 19:03:08

I'm glad you had a gentle day Lira and that your friend texted you.

MyOrangeDogShitsGoldMoney Thu 13-Sep-12 20:32:01

I've been thinking of you today Lira, couldn't post as been in work. (Stupid rl getting in the way!)

Happy Birthday Ethan x

JugglingWithPossibilities Thu 13-Sep-12 20:53:34

Glad to hear you got out to the park with dd after school, that sounds nice x

ipswichwitch Thu 13-Sep-12 22:42:23

Lira, you and Ethan have been in my thoughts today. I'm glad you had a relaxing day and did something nice with dd. Sending lots of love for your special little boy on his birthday, and to you and the rest of your family lira x

onedev Thu 13-Sep-12 22:44:23

Happy birthday Ethan. Glad you've had a nice day & thinking of you & your precious boy.

Thumbwitch Thu 13-Sep-12 22:51:22

I'm glad your friend texted you but oh I wish she'd thought of that before she said her piece before!
Glad you had a peaceful day. xx

chipmonkey Fri 14-Sep-12 00:50:58

Lira, I was in work all day today but I did think of you and little Ethan xx
Glad the day passed peacefully.

porcamiseria Fri 14-Sep-12 23:37:09

may he rest in peace xxxx

I am so sorry about your friends and family. I am sure they love you to bits. they just dont understand, and they dont grieve as hard as you. he was your precious love

But I winced reading what your friends said, really

you know, I am a good friend but I am not sure if I would always remember years later sad .

I am not excusing them, I just dont want you to think on top of your grief that they dont care about you

porcamiseria Sat 15-Sep-12 10:06:08

I was thinking about you OP

rest assured everyone on this thread have you and your boy ethan in their thoughts

I hope you can take some comfort from that

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