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A support thread for people who have lost their husband, wife or partner

(15 Posts)
Rindercella Mon 10-Sep-12 15:16:53

Several people have suggested that it would be a nice idea to have a thread for those who have been widowed or lost their partner, and I agree. I know there are many of us on here who have lost their partner, and although the ways in which they have died are many, and the time elapsed varied, I hope others will think that it would be helpful to come on here sometimes and just use it as a place to remember, to moan, to celebrate, to discuss WPA, whatever really. I will start my introducing myself smile

I am Rinders and lost my husband Richard to prostate cancer in April 2011. We have two little girls who are now 5 and 2.5 years old. I also have a 22 year old stepson who we get together with regularly. Richard was diagnosed with cancer in May 2010 when our younger DD was 5 weeks old. We were very happily married and had been together for 12 years. I always thought he was my life and I am still stunned that I have been able to carry on without him - thank God for my children I suppose.

I mostly do okay but it sometimes really hits me that he is no longer here and that is so incredibly painful. The comparison to standing on a beach with your back to the sea seems so true. My grief is always there, lapping at my feet, but every so often a huge wave comes along, taking me totally by surprise, and knocks me off my feet.

I have spoken to so many MNers who have lost partners - either very recently or several years ago. The ways our loved ones have died are so varied, and our circumstances so different. But I guess we are in a similar place - forced into a different life than the one we thought we were living.

I received a huge amount of help and support from fellow MNers during his illness and also once he was gone. I know there are other websites and forums offering help & support (such as WAY and Merry Widows), but I like it on here and I already feel trusted and supported. I like the idea that I can come on here and dump if I have a rubbish day. Or share a bittersweet moment (like DD2 starting preschool today), wishing DH was here to share it instead.

Be warned though, I can ramble. A lot. And rant too. I am very good at ranting!! grin

Roseformeplease Mon 10-Sep-12 15:21:31

Didn't want this to go uncommented on. I lost my boyfriend nearly 20 years ago and still think of him, even though I have been happily married for 15 years and have two children. I know how hard it is to lose someone but have the greatest admiration for anyone who manages two children alone and sets out to help / contact others in the same situation.

Rindercella Tue 11-Sep-12 09:25:03

Thank you Rose. And I am so sorry for your loss. I am so glad you have found happiness and now have a lovely family. The thing I have heard, and I guess I am starting to believe it, is that the loss always remains, the love is always there. But other things in your life begin to take a greater priority.

EverlongYouAreGoldAndOrange Tue 11-Sep-12 11:40:06

rinders I love your ramblings grin

A lovely idea to start a thread, I'm sure it will be a great support for you and other people who've lost their dear other halves.

marmon Wed 12-Sep-12 16:23:08

I agree its a lovely thread to start and nice to be able to remember our loved ones who have passed on. My partner Ray died nearly 10 years ago of a brain aneurysm, he was 39 and looking forward to the birth of his first child, i was 5 months pregnant when he died. Our beautiful little boy is now 9 years old and looks so much like him, im sure he would be so proud of how hes growing.
I have remarried and i love my husband dearly, but Ray will always be in my heart and not a day goes by where i do not think about him. My memories of him will live on, plus i have our son which always makes me feel blessed.
Its hard living without them, but you can be happy again and i just feel grateful that i knew such an amazing man.

PiggeryJokery Thu 13-Sep-12 11:17:10

Hi Rinders, thank you for starting this thread.

My DH died very suddenly over 5 years ago, from SADS / heart failure. I was pg at the time with our first child, now a delightful, funny chatterbox of a 5yr old boy.

I too am pretty much ok, in fact good, but still struggling with the loneliness of having no-one to do nothing with. I have lots of friends to do something with but still really miss the day to day company, friendship and love my DH and I shared, and being able to share my delight (and frustration!) at our son.

DS is also beginning to struggle with a lack of father figure in his life, which is a new and added sadness for me to contend with. Poor wee chap attaches himself like a limpet to any of my male "Dad" friends whenever we meet up. sad

But life in many small ways is fun and interesting and sunny. I try not to think about the future in a big way too much as that still feels rather scary and a little bit bleak ...

Despite some of the words above I am generally a very positive person, a real "coper" and according to everyone I know I'm very "brave" too wink!

Rindercella Thu 13-Sep-12 18:25:52

Yes, we're all "brave" aren't we?! grin

Thank you all for your posts. It's so sad when it becomes clear how many have suffered a loss such as ours. Learning about you and your loved ones is lovely and strangely comforting.

I really miss DH's company so much. It's funny, but when something upsetting happens, which is totally unrelated to him or his death, it upsets me so much more now. It throws his absence up again, making it all the more painful. We used to chat so much, about everything. And so when I really feel the need to talk things over with him, it hurts that he's not here.

I am off to my first local WAY dinner tonight. I have met one of the members before, and she was lovely. Are any of you WAY members? Do you find it useful? I know for me, it helps knowing that people know it's ok to talk about DH, knowing it doesn't matter if I do get upset! Tears are fine I have found!!

Wish me luck though grin

chipmonkey Thu 13-Sep-12 20:22:44

Rinders, I'm glad you started this
Luckily, my dh is still alive and well but we lost our daughter last years. I have found that only people in the same position truly "get it" and I'm sure it's the same when you lose a partner. And having to look after little ones who have lost a parent must be so tough.
You are all wonderful, brave ladies xx

Ilovegeorgeclooney Thu 13-Sep-12 21:23:22

Hello my husband died in Jan 2011, very suddenly, leaving me with three teenagers. Whilst it does get easier in the way you become used to it I still find those moments when you think "I must tell x that.........." incredibly difficult. I think this is a great idea to have such a thread.

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 15-Sep-12 14:12:30

'waves to rinders' as you know we both lost our love of our lives dh's within 3 days of each other sad

i call you my silver lining as if both our husbands hadnt of died then we would have never become friends and met and drunk tons of wine sometimes you have to look for the good of something bad xxx

My dh died april 16th 2011 due to suicide - he suffered from depression and to be blunt he had hung his self from out loft hatch when i was away for the night and i found him the next morning

the first prob 6mths were hell and i did a thread on here on how i felt and the emotional struggles i went through as well as financial ones with bank accounts/mortgages and telling companies that dh was dead etc

think once i had scattered all of dh (was spilt into 5) on his birthday then it felt more real iyswim

i saw an amazing counsellor from cruse for just over a year and she was the one who sorted out my head and heart - guilt was the major emotion and i still feel guilty at times over silly stuff, as well as mark killing his self

i went to a group called sobs, but to me they didnt help and it was like they wanted to always be unhappy and not cope with what had happened, and to me they were not surviving

i also go to my local way, and this i enjoy and have met friends who have all lost their partners and we sit have a drink and chat and yes laugh

but over time i have come to reliese that it was marks choice to die and either i could pick myself up and not get on with my life, but carry on with my life and thats what i have decided to do

recently i met a new man, totataly knocked me for 6, as certainly wasnt looking to meet someone (yet) and we were friends but we became more due to me getting very drunk on wine and snogging him as rw friends including cinders know he isnt my type wink but seems he is as have moved in together and he made my smile come back

people told me that time would heal/make things easier and tbh i thought what bollocks, but it is true - yes there are still days that i get down and cry tons, but i can also look back and remember all the happy times we had over the 19years we were together

CaoNiMa Mon 24-Sep-12 06:58:57

Great thread, Rinders. Thank you for starting it.

Even though these losses are so terrible, it's comforting to read other people's stories.

I lost my beautiful partner Michelle on August 20th this year. It was a very quick illness - she had undiagnosed brain and lung cancer, and she passed within the space of a month. She was my best friend for a long time before we became a couple, and she was really everything to me. I still haven't accepted that she's gone. I'm getting through day to day, as the thought of the future without her is too difficult. My whole life will be different now.

I can't believe I will never see her again. We were true soulmates. That's such a cliche, but it's true. There is a huge gap in my life, which will always be there. I have hopeful moments (she left a big legacy that I need to continue), but knowing that I won't be able to talk to her and kiss her again, spend my days and nights with her, and do all the things we planned to do - it's so hard.

People tell me it gets easier, and I hope that's true.

IcanandIwill Mon 24-Sep-12 09:50:19

Hi, just checking in to say hello. My lovely Sean was killed in a car crash in April. I had our gorgeous baby boy a week later, he's doted on by his two big sisters who are 5 and 2.

Feeling fairly upbeat today as I've just returned from a week in the sun with my sister and her family. It wasn't as hard as I expected and I hope Sean will be proud of me.

I have a Dr appt this morning. Not sure why I've booked it but I feel like there are things I'm not dealing with. She's lovely so I'm sure she won't mind my rambling.

Hello everyone. It's crap that we are here but like Rinders MN was a safe place for me in those dark, dark very early days.

IcanandIwill Tue 25-Sep-12 22:57:30

Right, now you are all in one place... does anyone have any advice about CHristmas? Sean and I both loved Christmas and I want the girls to inherit that. But this will be our first without him and I can feel it looming. I don't want to dread it but there is a big part of me that wants to chicken out and runaway! Any advice or ideas? What are your plans?

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 16-Oct-12 14:24:09

different for me as dh and i sadly didnt manage to have kids sad

but last year was my first christmas with out dh and didnt want to do the usual, ie at my parents/brothers or at mine, so my went out to dinner, first time ever on christmas day

just the 4 of us,my mum dad and bruv and have to say it was an ok day, different but what i needed last year

the meal was lovely and though slightly exp,obv hotel has to pay staff to work (i wouldnt want to work on xmas day) but thinking about the cost, by the time you pay for all the food it prob was same price and lovely to not have to cook it or tidy up

having children means you need to do something imo as although you may feel not up to doing it, so maybe go to someone esles house so you dont need to cook and you can also escape home if you feel you need to

onlyjoking9329 Wed 17-Oct-12 03:00:51

Great thread Rinders. My lovely DH Steve died 9th June 2008, he was ill for a couple of years, he was told on his birthday that he had both MS and a brain tumour but they thought the tumour wasn't cancerous and was slow growing,six months later he was rescanned then had surgery to brain to ascertain type of tumour it proved to be GBM4 which is always terminal.
our family had loads of support here on Mumsnet throughout Steves illness and beyond. Which was a lifeline for me as it was a very stressful time and painfully lonely We have three children who are now 18,18 and 15, they have autism and need a lot of help.
It's been a rocky road, made much rockier by the evil in-laws and I developed a nasty neuro disorder which rendered me paralysed from the chest down and in bed for a year. After all that I believe things can only get better.
Over time the grief becomes easier to live alongside but it takes as long as it takes no more no less. A lot of the time I'm ok, but then a piece of music or photos can produce tears.
I'd also recommend WAY ( widowed and young ) and the books that I found most helpful were Katie boydell, death and how to survive it, and how can I help is great book to give to people who are supporting you, lots of useful tips and ideas of how best to help someone whose partner has died.
I'm now engaged to another very kind peaceful wonderful man, I feel very lucky.

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