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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My girl

35 replies

CaoNiMa · 08/09/2012 05:42

I never thought that I would ever post in the Bereavement topic, but I really need to share this.

On the 20th August, my darling partner passed away, after a very short and unexpected illness. She was my best friend and the light of my life, and it still hasn't sunk in that she is gone. We became a couple only a little while before she died. We should have done it long ago, but we were scared and slightly confused by the fact that we had fallen in love with each other, as two women.

At the end of July, she started to feel ill - headaches, coughing and low energy. We went to a Western clinic (we live in China) for tests, and they diagnosed pneumonia. They sent us to a state-run hospital, which was awful, and she just got worse and worse - coughing up blood, awful headaches. Eventually, it got so bad that her friend arranged for her to be flown to Hong Kong in a medical plane.

Soon after we arrived in the hospital in HK, she was sedated and put on a ventilator. They still didn't know what had caused the pneumonia, but about a week later, she had a brain haemorrhage, and when they did surgery, they found cancer that had spread from her lung. The lung cancer was a rare form that looked like an abscess on the x-rays, so the doctors hadn't tested it previously.

She came through the brain surgery (they shaved off all her lovely brown hair), but was severely brain damaged. Her brother flew to HK, and we made the decision to cease active treatment and let her go. In the early morning of August 20th, the nurses woke me up and told me that her heart beat was slowing down. She died in my arms about 10 minutes later. I can't get those images out of my head, and I wonder if I will ever be able to.

After that, it was a blur for the next couple of weeks. I had to formally identify her body, choose her coffin, help her brother arrange a funeral, sign her death certificate - things I had never dreamed that I would have to do. Not yet. Not when we had the rest of our lives ahead of us. I just can't believe that she is gone. She was such a vibrant, energetic person - I don't understand why she had to die.

I am going back to China tomorrow to try and resume life, but she was so much a part of it that I am actually panicking about what I will do. We spent nearly all our time together, and when we were apart, we talked and sent messages. I miss her so much.

Thank you for reading this.

x

OP posts:

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pickofthepops · 08/09/2012 05:45

I so sorry. And that you barely had time to be a couple. You are so brave. Bless you.

civilfawlty · 08/09/2012 05:46

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Xx

pickofthepops · 08/09/2012 05:47

Are you in China for work? Do you have a supportive employer with staff counselling facility?

JemimaPuddle · 08/09/2012 05:47

So sorry for your loss x

SavoyCabbage · 08/09/2012 05:50

Oh Cao I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so sad.

I can tell from the way that you wrote this that you loved her very much. How wonderful for her to find you before she died and to have that time with you.

TanteRose · 08/09/2012 06:05

So very sorry for your loss, Cao

Your words really express how much you loved her - it must have been a great comfort to her that you were there with her in such a scary situation

Be gentle with yourself when you get back to China x

Hooleywhipper · 08/09/2012 06:11

So sorry for your loss. Hope you have got friends in China for support.

QuickLookUsainBolt · 08/09/2012 21:12

I'm so very sorry Cao. You must still be in shock.

I was with my Dad when he died and I want to reassure you that it is very common to feel as you do, and those last images will fade away one day.

Please take care of yourself.

MyOrangeDogShitsGoldMoney · 08/09/2012 21:17

So sorry for your loss OP, you obviously loved each other very much.

SirGOLDBoobs · 08/09/2012 21:20

I'm so sorry to read this. And though I am sure its no comfort to you right now, your love for her shines through your words. Keep posting if it helps. Thinking of you. x

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey · 08/09/2012 22:18

I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your girl.

Sometimes life is so bloody awful.

I am sure you must have lots of what ifs in your head.

You have lost your partner and all your plans for your future together.

I hope your memories of the special time you were together is some comfort.

I hope you have some friends/family in China to support you.

Sending you a massive hug.

nkf · 08/09/2012 22:18

So sorry.

LaVitaBellissima · 08/09/2012 22:21

So sorry for your loss Cao

FoofyShmooffer · 08/09/2012 22:31

So very sorry.

CaoNiMa · 09/09/2012 04:21

Thank you for these messages. It really means a lot to me.

I loved her so much. I still love her.

I am preparing to return to Shanghai this afternoon, and I'm really dreading it. I didn't sleep last night. It's going to be such a different city without her.

xx

OP posts:

Cynner · 09/09/2012 04:34

My heart goes out to you. I wish I had the right words to express my deep sadness for you. May the love you shared continue to bring comfort to you in the days to come. Please know a stranger from many many miles away will thinking about you.

AngryBeaver · 09/09/2012 04:34

Do you know what, life is so unbearably fucking cruel sometimes. And it makes no sense. It is very unfair that you were parted. I can tell from your writing that you adored your partner and I'm ever so sorry for you that you must go back to China alone. Is there anyone else there that can support you for a while?
I have recently suffered my own tragedy,(my little girl due to be born in December) and am also in a foriegn country far from the UK and family/friends.
But, actually, I found it easier to work through my feelings alone.
Be strong, hold on. One day when you think of her, you will smile, maybe laugh, and then you will know that you will be alright xxx

saffronwblue · 09/09/2012 05:51

Thinking of you. It sounds as if you enriched each other's lives enormously. How completely unfair that you just had a short time together. I hope you have good friends in Shangahi who will support you.
I think you will find that those memories of the last weeks will fade and you will treasure the good times that you had. Travel safely today.

foofooyeah · 09/09/2012 06:42

So sad, what a beautiful and tragic love story. I hope you have some people around you who also knew her so you can talk about her. Life will be so hard for you for some time, but when you are feeling stronger you will rememeber the good times and put away this terribly sad time. I am so so sorry.

Bossybritches22 · 09/09/2012 06:47

My thoughts with you sweetheart , those last moments being in your arms would have made her feel so loved although awful for you.

I hope the journey back is smooth for you, take care.

CaoNiMa · 09/09/2012 07:14

Thanks again for the messages. I'm at HK airport waiting for my flight. I don't think it had really sunk in - the fact that she's gone - until today. The prospect of going back to Shanghai has brought it into sharp focus. The past seven weeks have been surreal. I've been through every emotion possible - anger, sadness, denial, fear.

My girl was quite an influential person on the "expat scene" in Shanghai, and there are hundreds of people who want to speak to me about what happened. I'm hoping it will all go smoothly.

Despite how horribly unfair it is that she's gone, I do take a lot of comfort from the fact that I was with her when she died. I promised her in Shanghai when she first got sick that I would never leave her, and I kept that promise.

OP posts:

twolittlebundles · 09/09/2012 08:33

CaoNiMa, it sounds as though you have done everything possible to enjoy your time with, and then care for you partner, and I am so sorry for your loss.

When those hundreds of people want to talk about what happened, ask about their good memories of her when you can bear it. You my hear some wonderful stories that give you some laughter. She sounds as though she was one of the people that really brings light to the world.

dysfunctionalme · 09/09/2012 13:08

Oh Cao I am so sorry for the loss of your girl. You loved her so much, it is plain to anyone reading your words. It is actually really lovely to read a story about someone being so loved, thank you for sharing.

You must feel so shocked and as though things are surreal right now.

There will be people here who have lost adored partners who can offer wise words, from me you have very best wishes and sincere condolences.

CaoNiMa · 09/09/2012 16:25

Being back in Shanghai is so strange. It's autumn here now; when we left, it was blazing summer. Reality is sinking in now - she's gone. I just don't know what to do with myself. We spent all our time together.

The past seven weeks have been totally surreal. I spent a week in her home country with her family and friends last week before stopping off in Hong Kong again en route back to Shanghai. There were always people to talk to and spend time with, but here in Shanghai, although I have amazing friends, they have their own lives to lead. She was my life - we shared everything, and now she's gone. I can't sleep at night without her, unless I drink or smoke a joint, which is so unhealthy.

It's all so raw. I thought I would be ok, but I guess I had underestimated grief. I've never lost anyone before, and I just don't understand why it had to be her, when we were so happy. She looked for love the whole of her life, and to finally find it, and then die - I don't get it.

I miss her.

OP posts:

QuickLookUsainBolt · 09/09/2012 18:09

Cao, I'm so sorry, it must all be starting to sink in now. Those first few months are very raw and painful, please find someone you can talk to in rl. You must feel very loney without your lovely girl and a friend to talk to is really need. Please don't go through this on your own.

After saying that we are here for you on mumsnet.x

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