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My partner was killed in June. Any other young widows/widowers struggling to keep a brave face on?

(13 Posts)
ukulelelady Wed 05-Sep-12 22:02:56

Hi, my partner was killed in June when our son was just 5 weeks old. Friends and family have been brilliant but I'd love to chat to people going through similar experiences. Especially anyone who has lost their partner at a young age. I feel so alone at times especially when my son is in bed and everyone else has their own lives to lead. Im really having a hard time ATM and trying to be strong for my son and my family who are worried about me. I'm only 33 but suddenly I feel so old having to deal with police and lawyers and funeral directors, his mothers grief......I shouldn't have to be dealing with all of this. I should have been organising our wedding, not his funeral. We had been together for 14 years. Everyone was really supportive, especially my mum, but it's like there is a time limit on my grief. I've been feeling really down these past few weeks in particular and she's been like, what's wrong? Where do I start with what's wrong?

StrawberryMojito Wed 05-Sep-12 22:07:19

Hi, I'm sorry, I've not been in your situation but just wanted to bump your thread. I obviously don't know the circumstances but have you got a Police Family Liaison Officer who could offer you help or assistance. Are you able to get counselling? I hope life gets a little easier for you soon.

toomuchicecream Wed 05-Sep-12 22:09:13

You need:
The Widowed and Young Foundation. A friend whose husband died a couple of years ago leaving her and her son has joined, and she says that the local branch are incredibly friendly. I've also read a couple of articles about them in the press this year, and they sound exactly what you're looking for.

Have never experienced anything as horrendous as you so won't try and pretend to understand - I can't - but hugs and prayers xx

mirry2 Wed 05-Sep-12 22:12:07

So sorry. It must be a terrible time.

exexpat Wed 05-Sep-12 23:12:10

I was widowed suddenly, nearly six years ago, when I was 38. Dealing with it (I won't say getting over it) is a long process and there are lots of ups and downs. I think it's very normal to be able to 'cope' and put on a brave face in the immediate aftermath, only to feel much worse when all the bureaucracy and so on is over, and you're meant to be getting back to normal. Can't believe your mother had to ask what was wrong, though...

I found the Merry Widow discussion board very helpful - lots of other young widows/widowers going through the same things, and you don't have to pay and register like you do with WAY.

SingingSands Wed 05-Sep-12 23:19:41

I'm so sorry for your loss, you must be beyond devastated. I'm not in a position to advise you, but wanted to bump your post.

Also - I sometimes wish we could mourn like our Victorian ancestors. Let people see our grief, wear a symbol of grief, not hide it away or "get over it" after 2 months because other people have moved on with their busy lives.


Tapper4068 Fri 07-Sep-12 23:02:27

I lost my husband in April this year, three years after a motorbike accident which left him severely brain damaged. I have also lost my mum to cancer in this time. I found that at first you carry on, but had a time in July when it felt like everyone had forgotten and I wished I could have worn all black so people knew and would realise that although you function, your brain is somewhere else. There will be good and bad days. Try and find some counselling, this has helped me, even to realise you don't have to be understanding of everyone else and to admit to how difficult you are finding things. Sometimes parents are not the best to offer support, find friends who understand. You are in the early stages of grief and what you are feeling is normal, you would be a cold person if you weren't. So there are people who feel like you, don't think you are alone.

ukulelelady Sat 08-Sep-12 01:45:35

Thank you for your kind words. WAY foundation sounds good and so does merry widow.... Thanks for letting me know about them, I've found them helpful.

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 08-Sep-12 15:31:40

think i replied on your other thread

widowed last year at 37 (suicide) was together 19years - married just over 4 and no kids

there is so much to deal with and there are days when you think it will never end and you keep plodding along putting on a brave face as what else can you do esp when you have kids - they keep you going as you have no choice

way i find are brilliant - i go to the local meetings once a month and yes we do have a laugh - there are many days out organised esp for famillies

people say to you that it gets easier with time and you do think total bollocks and you will never be happy again - but it is true- time is a great healer and i found at 8mths things got easier and after a year which i think i mentally set myself as then had dealt with 1st everything x

IcanandIwill Sat 15-Sep-12 13:04:34

Hi Strawberry, my husband was killed in a car crash in April. I was 8 months pregnant. I had our little boy a week after. It's bloody hard. I muddle along. Half the time I avoid thinking of the really tough stuff. Am on the train at the mo but will pm you when I get chance. Big hugs x

RandomMess Sat 15-Sep-12 13:10:40

I have no experience of this, all I can say is that June was ONLY 3 months ago!!!! That is no time at all. It is 10 years since a friends dh died and sometimes we talk about it and even now we share a few tears over her and their dc's loss.

IcanandIwill Tue 25-Sep-12 21:26:57

How are you doing? I've sent you a pm too. Big hugs x

ukulelelady Thu 27-Sep-12 19:58:24

Thanks for your sympathy everyone, icanandiwill I got your message and have written back. Thank you. Just to update you, we are having a more positive week. His birthday passed, think that didn't help me feeling so low and to have something to look forward to and give me a boost I've booked driving lessons....eek. I had my second one today. Not as scary as I thought. I even reversed parked. I now think, well if I can go through labour, organise and manage to not crumble at his funeral, put up with his mum....... (thats a shame, shes not to bad in small doses, just wish she would give me a break.... Anything else is a walk in the park!

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