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Got married, became a mum, lost my mum all in six months

(7 Posts)
betathanu Mon 03-Sep-12 20:45:19

Last year (it feels like yesterday), I went through so much. My mother had a stroke and died 4 weeks after I gave birth. I also got married (we were engaged anyway, but bought it forward because of my mum). Then in January, just when I thought I'd had enough, my sister was diagnosed with the the big C. I have received so little support and because we moved, I feel incredibly lonely. I met some really nice people through the NCT but they kind of stopped contacting me, as I get the feeling I didn't buy or do the right baby things and activities. My remaining family live about 150 miles away. I'm finding it so difficult sometimes, especially when I am struggling with my son and there is no mother to call for advice or even to take him off my hands for an hour. I feel really vunerable having lost both my parents now (I'm 32) and my husband doesn't really know what to do. I told a HV about what had happened. the thing is, i come across as too much 'together' to warrant help. i've even been told 'you'll manage' when all I want is for someone to hug me and tell me it will be OK. I'm getting increasingly frustrated with my husband and life in general; but funnily enough never take it out on him- He's the one thing that keeps me going. I just wish that I didn't feel despondent. Can anybody supply some advice on how to 'get happy' and just help me get out of this emotional malaise.

mumofthemonsters808 Mon 03-Sep-12 20:57:02

I know the pain you are feeling because I lost my Mum suddenly in February.My Dad died 6 years ago and like you there are times when I feel very alone, despite having a partner and 2 children.I don't think there is a way of getting happy, I just think over time we come to accept that they are gone.Six months after someone passing is the crucial time for grief to set in and apparently after that landmark things get better.Personally I don't think I will ever get over her death and the sense of loss seems to be increasing not decreasing.But I am aware that it is only early days, I just try and take each day as it comes and accept there will be bad ones.

Congratulations on your baby and getting married.Sorry I have not been much help.Take care.

Conflugenglugen Mon 03-Sep-12 21:15:04

Goodness, betathanu - you have experienced an overwhelming amount of loss and grief in a short time. My heart goes out to you.

You do indeed need help, and I would suggest grief counselling if it is available in your area. Many hospices offer it, as well as run support groups, and you don't need to have been involved in the hospice in any way. I'd try that first.

You don't have to go through this alone, and it is absolutely understandable that you would need support right now. See what steps you can take to get this.

betathanu Tue 04-Sep-12 15:21:05

Thanks ladies. I would really like to have counselling, but haven't been able to get it through NHS and can't really afford private counselling right mow. I don't work right now (I was a self employed contractor), so money's really tight. I had a job lined up, but before I was due to start and put my son into childcare, they made my post redundant. Turns out it was the best thing anyway, as I got to spend more time with my boy. I'm sure I'll be OK- I'm just desperate for some good times, really. I didn't have a great wedding day (though everyone tells me it was a lovely day) as all I could think about was my mother in her hospital bed, alone. I know from when my father died (I was 22 then), it hit me a lot harder. It helps that I have a really wonderful husband, who, whilst he doesn't understand everything I am going through, just tries to be there for me. It is funny that when someone dies, you really find out who your friends are and they were far and few between. Additionally, nobody ever asks you, six months down the line "How are you feeling about it all? Do you want to talk about it?".

My aunt and sister showed her a picture of my son on a mobile. Mum kissed the phone and in her broken, pigeon English told one of the nurses "my grandson". I spent the last six months of my pregnancy looking after her, coming up by train every week to spend hours at her bedside and it was an absolute honour and a pleasure to look after her. We were never that close and for once, even though I think she would've preferred one of my sisters to be there instead; were kind of easy in eachother's company. Death is a part of life and I do find it ironic that my son was born so close to her death. I am dealing with it, but sometimes, it does overwhelm me and it's hard to find positiivity.

Conflugenglugen Wed 05-Sep-12 13:27:02

beta - Have you looked at counselling that might be offered free-of-charge at any of your local hospice groups?

fuddle Wed 05-Sep-12 14:07:01

The one thing that gives me great comfort is that my mother lost her mum and has been through what I am going through. i was three when my Nana died and I felt as if my mum just got on with life. Of course she didn't but alot of parents who we lose have also lost their parents and learn to be happy again.

Beachcombergirl Sun 14-Oct-12 22:03:27

I lost my mum 3 days ago. She died suddenly and unexpectedly. I was with her when she collapsed and died, just me and my 4 month old daughter. Her grandchild and the light of her life since my dad passed away two years ago. It was so frightening when she died and i worry i could have done more to save her. I called for an ambulance and for help straight away but i still feel terribly guilty that i could have done more. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to believe she is gone and I am utterly heartbroken. Please someone tell me it will get better. I cannot bear this pain. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful mum.

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