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MY son died

(779 Posts)
mumof2teenboys Wed 04-Jul-12 04:13:13

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

everlong Mon 21-Jan-13 16:55:41

Lovely michelle expat and StVera I'm so sorry you are all struggling. I wish I could stop all our pain sad

sazpops Mon 21-Jan-13 19:17:16

I've just remembered something else I read which I have found helpful. Sara Payne (mother of little Sarah, who was abducted and murdered some years ago), wrote that it was no good wishing that your child was still alive, and that life was as it used to be. She said that you had to realise that you had two different lives, one before your child died and the one you have now, and you have to learn to accept the life you have now (as you can't change it) and make it the best you can.

I'm sorry if I haven't explained it very well, she was rather more eloquent, but I hope you get the gist of it.

Sending love to all those mums who are missing their babies (however old they were) tonight.

everlong Mon 21-Jan-13 19:25:28

saz I'm so sorry about your dd sad

sazpops Tue 22-Jan-13 09:02:29

Thanks ever, things do get easier to deal with as time passes, but it's always there isn't it.

SaintVera Tue 22-Jan-13 09:35:24

sazpops thank you for sharing your experience of the loss of your beloved daughter. It really helps to have those who are further down the line and down the healing journey post on here. Not that I expect we are ever healed, just living more successfully with our wounds x

sazpops Tue 22-Jan-13 10:24:51

stvera - yes, your last sentence sums it up really. Most days I just get on with it (well, there's no option, is there), but obviously there are times when it still seems very raw - for example, all my nephews and nieces (Beth's cousins) have got married in the last few years; not only has Beth missed all the weddings but , age wise, she should have been next in line. My younger daughter, now 24, is the only one left unmarried and when that does (hopefully) happen, she won't have her sister there. These are the things that still affect me deeply, but day to day I'd say things are OK.

I think my best advice has to be: Be kind to yourselves, and take your happiness where you can.

sazpops Tue 22-Jan-13 11:25:15

mumof2 - I hope you're feeling a bit brighter today? Thinking of you, Moon and Sam and sending you , stvera and others in the same situation, my warmest thoughts and wish I could take the pain away.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Thu 24-Jan-13 16:20:39

Hey Michelle, thinking of you, hoping you are feeling brighter today.

mumof2teenboys Fri 25-Jan-13 16:59:16

I only seem to post when things are truly awful these days but it's becuase I don't have anyone to talk to IRL.

I don't want to carry on anymore, the grief feels too big to bear. If it wasn't for Sam, I wouldn't be here now. I can't do that to him, he has lost so much. I resent that as well, how awful am I? I resent having to live for my son.

I'm so very tired of this, no matter how much sleep I get, I'm exhausted all the time. I have a permanent headache and feel sick all the time.

I am beyond broken. I don't work as a human being should. I have had enough. I don't want to live this way anymore.

everlong Fri 25-Jan-13 17:15:13

Oh Michelle sad

These feelings are nornal. I know they don't feel it but they are. You are in the worst part of your grief. You don't want to accept it. Obviously.

All I can say that 4 years ago after losing Oliver in the same way I felt exactly the same. I wanted to die. Pure and simple. But like you I couldn't do that to my other children. So I carried on.

It does get easier. You can live with this loss. I promise you. I know it seems impossible to think that right now but please believe me.

Sam loves you. You love him.

QOD Fri 25-Jan-13 17:26:17

I'm sorry, I don't know what to add but you aren't alone, we are all out here and we care about all you angel mums xxxx

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Fri 25-Jan-13 20:09:20

Michelle I wish I could just hug you.

Listen to the wise posters on here, you are grieving for your baby.

You will get through it.

It doesn't matter if you only post when things are bad, we're here whenever you need us.

Love & strength as always x

sazpops Sat 26-Jan-13 17:27:57

I've been away for a couple of days so haven't been able to post, but I have been thinking of you Michelle. It sounds as though you're in a really desperate place right now but you have to believe that it will pass, as everlong says. It really is still early days and you are still in shock. It's OK to feel the way you do - don't feel guilty.

Sending you lots of love

SaintVera Sat 26-Jan-13 23:04:44

Michelle, I am sorry xxx
I am trying to really hang on to the priceless words of wisdom given so generously here, as I am finding life very tough too. It is a fight. You are needed and you have a purpose in this life. I am needed too but I do feel terribly worthless at times.
I am checking in with my GP next week as I think I might get antidepressants.
I hope you can reach out to someone - friend or professional. A huge hug xxx

mumof2teenboys Sat 09-Feb-13 14:07:52

I miss James so very much. I miss him so much it is actually a physical pain. My chest hurts all the time and I am beyond tired.

I want him back, there is nothing else to say. I know he isn't coming back. I want my son, I need my son, I don't know how to carry on without him.

I hate this life, I don't want to live this life anymore. I have to live for Sam and I feel as though I am choosing one son over the other one. I always tried so hard to be fair to both of them, and now I'm not being.

QOD Sat 09-Feb-13 16:47:22

You are, you're being fair, you know Sam needs you here more than James needs you there.


SaintVera Sat 09-Feb-13 17:08:43

Holding your hand on this path we never wanted to be on xxxxxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy Mon 11-Feb-13 23:55:51

michelle you are not choosing one son over another. I bet that when the boys were growing up, there were times when one needed more attention from you than the other. It doesn't mean you love one more. It's just parental juggling of different needs. You are always there for James. When you are focussed on Sam, it does not detract in the least from your love for him. That remains full, entire and everlasting.

But I am so sorry for your pain. I wish, wish, wish I could take it away from you. xx

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 02-Mar-13 19:05:08

Thinking of you Michelle xx

something2say Fri 29-Mar-13 21:47:44

I would like to say something here. I suffered grief myself not too long ago. I won't go into the details because nobody actually died, but it let like it. I remember getting in from work and not even bothering to switch the lights on. I remember putting the shopping bags down in the dark and sliding down the door and landing on the floor. I didn't eat proper food for a while, all I could manage was soul as anything else made my stomach hurt. I too had the physical ache in my heart chakra.

Shortly after that I bought a flat. There I would lie face down and weep into the rug. Iw would say and think that I ha lost EVERYTHING. I avoided socialising and would take stickies if there was a work outing. This went on for about two years. Then when I felt to say that I ha lost everything, it started to feel wrong. I let I ha said it enough times and it was no longer true.

I think that the smorgasbord of experiences we are sent in life is wide and some of them hurt. The heart chakra aches.

To all the ar people suffering, I am sorry for your pain and in understand. Not having it anymore can feel like a betrayal. But it will pass like all things. It comes, it blossoms and then it begins to die. None of us get to choose when, how long, or why. All we can do is be as vessels as it passes into, up and out of us.

I think, while it is in you to lie on the floor in grief, do so.

While it is in you to rage in anger, do so. What can you smash?

Weep. Let endless days pass in drab grey. Don't allow the sun in.

It will come in one day. Of course. But for now let things be as they are. Life is gentle and will hold you while you go through this, and be ready for you when you are ready to venture outside again.

Sending angel wings to hold those who are lying on the floor in grief. I still miss who I miss and wish so badly that things had been different.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Fri 29-Mar-13 21:50:26

Michelle, if you're lurking, you are still in my thoughts often.

Sending you much love x

crushedintherush Fri 29-Mar-13 21:54:34

Michelle <<<big hugs>>> wish I could find the words to magic away the grief you are feeling over the loss of James. Thinking of you, please look after yourself and Sam thanks

mumof2teenboys Sat 30-Mar-13 12:47:22

Hello ladies

I'm still here :-)

Things are what they are. Some good days and some bad, some bad days are worse than others but we are all trying so hard.

One of James' friends came round yesterday, he has finally been accepted into the army (something that he has wanted to do since he was about 13) We talked about James for a long time. Another of their friends is currently organising his wedding and Mark was saying that James should be here to be the best man just to make a speech!

Whilst it was lovely to talk about James so naturally, it hurts so much. He should be here to be going to the 1st wedding of their group. He loved the groom so much, they were very close. All the things that his friends are going to start doing, getting married, having babies, making their careers. All the things that he isn't going to do.

I am struggling to accept that James is dead. I 'know' it logically but there is a lack of acceptance there. I still feel as though he is going to walk into the kitchen and ask what we have that he can eat. I struggle to accept that I will never see him again or hear his voice. I so badly want to see him again, I want to look at him and hug him. I want him to hear me say that I love him.

Its nearly 9 months since he died, I'm sure that 9 months of pregnancy went slower than this. I would give anything to be 9 months pregnant with him again. I would sell my soul to be able to have all that time again. I am grateful for the 22 years I had with him but it wasn't enough.

I keep remembering the last time I saw him, it was just normal. I told him enjoy his evening and that I would see him soon. I never saw him again. I will never see him again, thats not fair. I want him back, I want him here not memories and reminders and anniversaries.

I'm crying again as I write this, how many tears can you cry? How many tears is his life worth? Is that how you measure their lives? with tears.

I didn't realise that this was inside, I don't talk too much these days. People expect me to be 'better' now. I go through the motions. On the outside things look ok. Inside, thats a whole other story.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 30-Mar-13 21:29:41

I'm glad to see your post Michelle, i wonder how you are doing often.

I hope Moon and Sam are doing ok.

I am sure everything you are going through and feeling is normal and still part of the grieving process, nine months, although it must seem like an age at times is no time at all.

I wish there were some definitive answers to your questions, if only life was so easy, how i wish i could tell you it will be ok and things will get better.

I can't imagine you will ever stop crying for James and what could have been but hopefully in between the tears you will have happier times again one day.

Am not much help or comfort i know but am always here if you want to post.

Big unmumsnetty hug x

mumof2teenboys Sat 06-Apr-13 08:40:35

I can't remember what his voice sounded like. I can't remember his laugh. I know what he looks like because there are hundreds of photos but I can't 'see' him iyswim.

I can't think of him alive and laughing and having fun, I can't remember a single conversation I had with him.

I'm forgetting the alive James. I can't forget him. Thats just too cruel.

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