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A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

(996 Posts)
MiaAlexandrasmummy Wed 16-May-12 21:47:09

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia’s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because… it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

trulymadlydeeply Wed 23-Oct-13 16:34:45

Thinking of you and holding you hard, Mia's. Xxx

OneStepCloser Wed 23-Oct-13 16:45:28

MiaAlexandrasMummy ((((hugs)))) Mia is thought about often, and your beautiful words keep her very much remembered. xx

TwentyTinyToes Wed 23-Oct-13 20:01:14

Thinking of your beautiful little red head tonight. X

Astralabe Wed 23-Oct-13 21:50:37

Beautiful xxx Thinking of you all - I love the dress idea - fabulous, every little girl likes to know what mummy wore at her wedding xxx

jmf294 Wed 23-Oct-13 22:44:16

Thinking of you this evening xxx

eightytwenty Thu 24-Oct-13 13:15:17

In my thoughts Mia's. Another year without her. Does it feel like yesterday or a life time ago?

A family friend died last week. Our in laws were surprised how open we were about death with the dc. But I think that's because we try to bring my father into our lives, just like you do so beautifully with Mia.

humblebumble Mon 28-Oct-13 02:03:57

You always speak so beautifully of your family. I don't know you at all but I follow your posts.

ZingWantsCake Mon 28-Oct-13 04:39:02

I think of Mia often when our DD hugs me

so sorry for your lossthanks

MiaAlexandrasmummy Mon 28-Oct-13 11:24:24

Eightytwenty, you ask if Mia's death feels like yesterday or long ago. It is certainly another lifetime, a path now barred from me, but it also feels like yesterday.

I can remember asking here if the pain would ever diminish, and the answers I received were very comforting, and true. It has been a profoundly sad couple of days, but the intense pain has lessened, even as the sorrow of losing Mia has become part of us.

She is always with us.

We are with some of Mr Mia's family at the moment, and Finn is in awe of his bigger cousins, just as Mia was. We haven't been here for over two years, when we enjoyed a couple of summer trips together, where Mia stood alone for the first time, and we laughed at her in her floppy hat. Finn sits in the little high chair again, absorbing cousin giggles and family love. Like this, it is hard to believe how time has passed.

I received many messages last week, telling me how people remembered Mia. I love when she is in the thoughts of others, as well as in our own. They talked of autumn leaves, bright sunshine, and the blooms of roses... The beauty of nature bring her close.

One particular message did leave me very sad, unbeknownst to the sender. Yes, Mia will be forever young. But I don't think of her like that.

To me, Mia will grow up like her cousins and friends and little brother, but just somewhere else far away. And like them, even though I don't see her everyday, I love her dearly. Absence only intensifies that love, and I am both proud and grateful in how she enriches my life today.

ZingWantsCake Mon 28-Oct-13 12:42:28

the baby I miscarried (just over 5 years ago) would have stated reception this year.

I do think of her as "growing older" too - just not here.

I hope I didn't make you sad.
what I meant was that a particular line in your OP is etched in my brain.

you know that bit in Ghost when Sam "borrows" Ada Mae's body so he and Molly can have just one more tender moment.

that's what I meant.
when DD puts her arms around my neck sometimes I feel as if was loving your Mia for you, in my DD.
and vice versa.
I don't even know if this makes sense at all.
but your darling girl lives on (and so does our baby).

MiaAlexandrasmummy Fri 01-Nov-13 07:53:21

Zing, your words are beautiful. I love the thought that in one hug, you are loving your little girl in your arms, and our two children who are not. I feel the same with Finn - each beaming smile, each little pat on the arm, each giggle are his, but the love alongside them is also from Mia.

I love hearing her name out loud. It brings her into the present.

It was two years ago today that we held the celebration of Mia's life. It was an impossibly beautiful day, full of sunshine and glowing colours.

I still don't know how MrMia found the courage to carry her, one last time, in that white box, or say the words we wrote together. He says it was not a choice, that these acts were only tiny parts of the manifestation of his love for our red headed girl, a father infinitely proud, but with his heart torn into pieces.

PatoBanton Fri 01-Nov-13 08:06:26

Do you know, I think of my friend in that way too. She died at 34, but to me, she's still about, still the same age as me, still telling me what to do when I need it and still laughing when I tell her the stupid things I've done.

She's not gone, Oh no. I felt that when she had just died, that she was around, there was like this warm breeze everywhere, as though she was laughing.

I feel like she will grow old with me. (If I get to, that is!)

I totally understand. It seems natural and obvious to me that your lovely Mia will grow up smile xxxx

trulymadlydeeply Fri 01-Nov-13 16:30:58

Hi Mia's. Hope you're having a good day. Lots of words of comfort around you at the moment, so I wanted to add my voice to theirs and say I'm thinking of you. Xxxx

ZingWantsCake Fri 01-Nov-13 16:40:06

thinking of you all today! x

MiaAlexandrasmummy Wed 06-Nov-13 00:09:02

It's the time of year, but I keep finding little red leaves around the house. On the shelf in the bathroom. Sitting in Finn's car seat. Lying on the floor of the living room.

The logical part of me knows that it is just the wind. The other part of me thinks it is Mia, telling me she loves us. Either way, she comes to mind, and she makes me smile.

Love you, sweet girl of mine. xx

ZingWantsCake Wed 06-Nov-13 00:11:59

you know the word "levél" in Hungarian means both "leaf" and "letter" (as in what you put in an envelope)

she is sending you love letters!


trulymadlydeeply Wed 06-Nov-13 17:46:00

What a lovely post, Zing.

Hugs, Mias. Thinking of you with so much love and gentle light. I think it's Mia, giving you a message. Xxx

Astralabe Wed 06-Nov-13 19:30:46

I think it's Mia too ... We don't get leaves in those places xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy Thu 07-Nov-13 08:19:33

Zing - what a fantastic image. Love letters is the perfect way to think of them.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Sun 10-Nov-13 21:15:38

Found a Mia love letter on our doormat.

ZingWantsGin Sun 10-Nov-13 22:04:15

Isn't she a sweetheart? good girl!♥

MiaAlexandrasmummy Wed 13-Nov-13 00:42:36

A red leaf in the kitchen today - we had all been out of the house all day. Hello darling girl. xx

trulymadlydeeply Wed 13-Nov-13 16:18:08

Hello darling Mia's. Wonderful that her leaves / letters are so abundant. Thinking of you with love. Xxx

janey68 Wed 20-Nov-13 21:57:06

Just popping in to say Mia has been in my thoughts. X

MiaAlexandrasmummy Thu 21-Nov-13 22:16:09

Hello everyone. I've been off for a while, sick and with poor IT reception, and now we are in the last few days before our very first Mia's Wood ball, so I am very busy - but it's not as though Mia has been far from my thoughts.

The ball is shaping up to be a wonderful evening. We have sold a full complement of tickets, and tonight I met with the auctioneer and the band, whose advice about a smoothly-run evening has been invaluable. We have been given so many amazing auction items that we are now having to split it between a live auction and a silent one, as well as a raffle. Two friends are working tirelessly on the ticket administration and the graphics, and another has set up an online system for absentee auction bids. Even today, two more auction items were sent in… People's generosity with their time, abilities and skills simply astound me.

We recently spent some time with one of Mia's little friends, who adores "Finn My Bin" as he calls Finn. He saw the photo of Mia on my phone, and asked why it was there. "You tell me," I said. "Because you love her" said the little boy wisely.

Exactly right.

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