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A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

(996 Posts)
MiaAlexandrasmummy Wed 16-May-12 21:47:09

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia’s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because… it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

monstertufts Thu 21-Feb-13 21:16:38

Miasmummy, I'm so glad to hear that your friend's little baby is improving. Keeping fingers crossed that he'll be home soon. I hope you and your family have had a good day and that the happy memories of Mia outnumbered the upsetting ones.

Dippymother, your story of your darling little boy is heartbreaking. It's just not fair. I'm so sorry.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Thu 21-Feb-13 22:45:52

dippy thank you for coming here and sharing the story of your son, I am touched. It does seem like a very similar situation to Mia. I am glad to hear that you have always kept him as part of your family's life. It's certainly how we intend to keep Mia in ours, sharing her with Finn.

Loving her, always loving her. My smiley, noisy, beautiful girl.

And yes, I am so very grateful that so many people here on MN have cared so much, and continue to keep Mia in their hearts. It is truly amazing.

We will be showing Mia a lot of love this weekend, as we will be planting the Woodland Trust trees with friends and other families who have lost children. MrMia is drawing up a beautiful plan of all the native trees we have chosen, plotting in nooks and paths. It will be a sea of small tubes for quite a few years yet, but the autumn colours of orange, red and yellow will keep Mia bright and shining.

Purpleknickers Fri 22-Feb-13 09:30:31

miasmummy I have been reading your threads for a long time and your love for Mia shines through, she will always be your adorable smiley darling girl.

The image you have put in my mind of the glorious autumn trees in Mia's memory has just made me smile on this cold grey day, it sounds beautiful just like Mia

trulymadlydeeply Sat 23-Feb-13 12:46:53

Oh Mias, how wonderful that Mias wood is finally at the planting stage. I hope you've had a lovely weekend, full of smiles at your lovely memories of your flame haired Mia; and if tears have been shed, I hope theyare sweeter for the knowledge that you are actively carrying her into your future with Finn through her wood.

Lots of love to you all. X xx

jmf294 Sat 23-Feb-13 15:36:35

Thinking of you as your plant the trees in Mia's wood.
May the trees grow strong and beautiful- an everlasting memory of your darling girl.
Mia's love lives forever too and I hope this weekend you can feel close to her. Xx

SpaceKoala Sat 23-Feb-13 18:27:51

Miasmummy, I have read your thread, and wanted to respond so many times before, but worries about possibly saying the wrong thing stopped me. Your words are beautiful, your love for your little girl shines through. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
My little girl is Mia as well, which made your thread even more touching for me.
I had not seen this thread recently, but saw it the other day and I was so happy for you about your little boy. He will hear so many stories about his big sister. The wood will grow as he grows up, giving him a place for lots of adventures.
Thank you for sharing on this thread, you have touched a lot of people, including people like me who worry about what to say so therefore don't post.
This is the first time I have heard of another Mia and Finn in one family, do wanted to share this with you. My little girl is a twin, her brother is Finn!
Reading that you named your little boy Finn really made me smile smile

MiaAlexandrasmummy Sun 24-Feb-13 22:29:38

It has been very much a Mia weekend, full of love and friendship.

The planting of Mia's Wood yesterday went brilliantly well, despite the light snowfalls (Mia kisses, as one lovely friend noted), and MrMia's fears that he would be left with 200 trees to plant today all alone. We gathered together a crowd of enthusiastic friends and family, who diligently worked together, following MrMia's careful plan. Others stayed at the house to care for the children, even though they wanted to do some planting as well - very generous of them. And it was all done, all 400 trees, along with their stakes and protective tubes, in just over four hours.

Today, MrMia and a group of friends went off to run for 12 miles, in preparation for the local half marathon where they will be fund-raising for Mia's Wood, and then we fed them lunch while Mia's friends happily played together.

We feel very lucky to have such steadfast, loving friends.

And Finn has been so good throughout. The children yesterday were desperate to touch him, play with him, and cuddle him, and while he had practically no sleep, he was very good natured. However, he did insist on lots of cuddles last night, which I didn't mind at all. I also needed to hold him and love him. I didn't want to let him go.

space that coincidence about our children's names made me smile. We obviously both have wonderful taste, as well as wonderful children!!

Tamdin Mon 25-Feb-13 09:54:21

400 trees in 4 hours! Wow that is an amazing achievement. It does not surprise me that you have such a wonderfully supportive and loving group of friends as these are the qualities that shine out of you through your words.
I am in Ireland but I would love one day to bring my boys to visit Mia's wood x

MiaAlexandrasmummy Fri 01-Mar-13 23:00:10

tamdin, you are right, it was an amazing achievement at the tree-planting on Saturday. And there are still plenty of other people willing to help too!

It has been a busy week, with a notable win, in that we now finally have an online donation facility for Mia's Wood through While the online webpages are very simple, it took a surprising amount of paperwork - but it certainly helped MrMia and I to crystallise our ideas about what Mia's Wood is all about. And we have had our first donations - one, at least, which I recognise from being from a lovely MNer friend.

MrMia's sister and her two daughters are now staying with us for a week. The last time they all stayed was the weekend Mia died. I don't mind that fact, but I am certainly very much aware of it.

Another poignant reminder of Mia this week is that Finn and I are now doing similar baby classes that I did with her. Not at the same locations, but there is enough familiarity that it hurts, yet comforts too. A path that I am back on, a group of which I can be a part again. Yet I looked around, and felt quite separate from all these happy mothers, keeping Mia safe in my heart. Then I remembered that there are undoubtedly others there who have secret pains and private grief too - our loss doesn't bring immunity to those around me.

But it should - and I said so to the mother of the little baby boy who had the traumatic birth. Happily, she and her son are now back at home, although they won't really know for some years if his development has been affected. Like us, she desperately wants to ensure changes in practices at her hospital, because the whole situation was completely avoidable. Her words, and her feelings are so familiar.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 02-Mar-13 00:14:06

Mia'sMum - It has been a long time since I posted on your thread (and I've namechanged since then), but I just wanted you to know that I think of you all often.

It was lovely to read of the safe arrival of Finn and how much love he has brought you.

I have cried away the last hour catching up on your life - I wish I could bring your beautiful, smiley, darling little girl Mia home to you. It is just so unfair and so wrong for you to be without her. The joy of Finn and the sadness of Mia not being there - it's an emotional roller coaster that must be completely exhausting.

It sounds like Mia's wood is coming along nicely... it was lovely to hear that you had got the land and have been able to start to do the things you talked about in Mia's name.

Sadly my friend recently had a bad delivery - it was a 'no-problem-until-the-hospital-screwed-it-up' situation. They had a terrible, terrible time - it was touch and go for the baby and she then needed a lot of medical intervention - and like your friends son, she appears OK at the moment, but who knows how it will affect her in the future. It happens all too often sad

Thinking of you all

MiaAlexandrasmummy Sun 03-Mar-13 22:31:09

MrMia and I have just had a lovely weekend in London, and it showed its best to us - walks in the spring sunshine in beautiful Regent's Park ; delicious, noisy long lunches with friends; admiring the shops ; and the vibe of a central London Saturday night out. Finn was brilliant, and happily adapted to his new environment.

I did have a first too... I went out to a birthday party where I only knew a few people, and of those, most I had not seen since even before Mia was born, let alone the time since she died. Yet I looked forward to the evening, rather than shying away from it. It was inevitable that the 'so what have you been doing" questions would arise as we sat eating, and they did. So I talked about the immediate things about last year - the Olympics, my pregnancy, and Finn... and then when I deemed the moment was right, I talked about Mia.

Some knew about her, some didn't. And they were all so lovely. They weren't embarrassed. They didn't try and change the topic. They didn't look awkward. They asked questions, they engaged, they thought Mia's Wood and the hospital work sounded impressive. And one friend at the table, who has been there for me, asked her husband who was sitting next to me, to give me a hug. Another friend, normally so rambunctious, did the same. That was the only moment that I nearly broke into tears. But I was really glad that I had gone along.

trulymadlydeeply Mon 04-Mar-13 08:55:24

Tears in my eyes for you, Mias, that you are beginning to live with times of more sustained moments of happiness, alongside your grief. I guess the two will go hand in hand, and each will reinforce the poignancy and fragility of the other, for the rest of your lives.

I would like to donate to Mias Wood. Please could you tell me how?

Lots of love.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Tue 05-Mar-13 23:32:11

Today I was asked to speak on local radio about Mia's Wood, and the first part was talking about Mia. The presenter asked me to tell him what she was like, and how her death has affected us and our family. It was wonderful to speak to him about my beautiful, special girl and her funny little ways. I also talked about how I received support from you all here, and of course, Mia's love of nature which has now started to become reality in Mia's Wood. He thought the concept was great, and when I mentioned that we would like to hold a MiaFest in the summer, immediately offered to be our patron and wants to help bring in entertainment.

So a good day. But keeping things in perspective, it's a day that I never expected to have, speaking about my daughter instead of taking her to toddler classes.

I know which I would rather have. No contest.

And yes, you are exactly right, truly. I know that Finn gives me so much happiness, with his little cheeky grins and his love for snuggles into my shoulder. But there is always a counterbalance. Always.

If you would like to donate to Mia's Wood, we would be very grateful, and you can find it on the LocalGiving website. However, I don't want to be seen by MNHQ as promoting anything, so I am not sure about the logistics of all of this...

MiaAlexandrasmummy Thu 07-Mar-13 23:20:25

Starting to sing nursery rhymes with Finn now. Some are hard, like Wheels on the Bus, where I always see Mia bouncing up and down, pressing the button delightedly on her book.

However, I have slightly changed the words to Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, especially when I sing it to Finn as he goes to sleep

Twinkle, twinkle, little star
How I wonder how you are
Up above the world so high
You're my diamond in the sky
Twinkle, twinkle, little star
How I wonder how you are

Then I say to Finn, "We are singing to your big sister, darling. She's a beautiful star in the sky, you know. She loves you very much."

everlong Fri 08-Mar-13 11:50:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Sat 09-Mar-13 22:33:52

Everlong it was wonderful to be able to share Mia with others again. Sometimes, I feel like I have said everything I can, and I am now simply repeating myself.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. A day when children show how much they love their mothers. For many of us, it is a day of heartbreak, when we don't have our children with us. Last year, despite my best intentions, my most vivid memory is digging the ground in our garden, sobbing.

Tomorrow will still hurt. I don't have Mia to give me a scribbly picture and a sloppy kiss. But I do have Finn to gurgle and smile at me.

Tomorrow is Mia's Day. Tomorrow, we have our first official fund-raiser for Mia's Wood. Along with a group of dedicated friends and family, we will all be wearing Mia tops, carrying our girl in our hearts, cheering on MrMia, her uncle, and a group of wonderful friends as they run a half marathon in freezing, windy weather.

So much love for my Mia. Always. So proud to be your mummy, little girl.

Tamdin Sat 09-Mar-13 22:41:48

Will be thinking of you tomorrow x

SaintVera Sat 09-Mar-13 23:01:36

wow, what a wonderful thing to do, positive xx

jmf294 Sun 10-Mar-13 08:40:52

Thinking of you Mia and Finn today.
I hope you all feel close to Mia today and for those running I'm sure she will be with them.

vez123 Sun 10-Mar-13 16:38:32

I ran a half marathon today and did see some blokes running for Mia! It really touched me because I had read her story on Mumsnet.. Such a lovely thing of your friends to do and to keep Mia's memory very much alive! Thinking of you today x

MiaAlexandrasmummy Sun 10-Mar-13 22:30:44

Vez wow, that is amazing, when RL intersects with writings on MN. You weren't the lady in pink who asked one of our runners if he was MrMia?

It was a special day, not because of the snow or the freezing winds, but because we were surrounded by family and friends, giving up their own Mother's Day plans to help us, all because of their love for Mia.

Such a loved little girl. Thank you, my darling, for being part of my life, for being part of me.

pookiecat Wed 13-Mar-13 18:07:01

Thinking of you all often xxxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy Thu 14-Mar-13 23:52:12

Increasingly, a part of me feels as though I should be getting Mia back soon, as life resumes a more even keel emotionally. For I have suffered enough, and having her back would be my reward, somehow. It is not sensible or logical.

As I watch Finn grow, I do wonder when Mia became sick. Right to the last day, you would not have known. She was bouncy, noisy, smiley, and enjoying every experience offered. And then - she just wasn't there anymore. Still. No laughing eyes, no curious fingers, no crawling. I shiver thinking about seeing her there, so still.

Yet the pathologist who did Mia's PM said that she was underweight. I merely thought at the time she was growing, after having had a very chubby phase. Maybe it was the sign that she was sick, and I didn't notice. But she ate, she was happy, she was developing well. Should I have been more diligent in weighing her? Would it have helped? If I had taken her to the GP, would he have run any tests on her, which might have identified her rare heart problem. In reality, probably not, but I can't help but wonder.

janey68 Fri 15-Mar-13 07:38:18

I think the reality is that even in this high tech age there are many things, particularly rare conditions, where the medical world just doesn't have all the knowledge or answers. As you say, Mia was her bright and bouncy self. And it's true that many toddlers go through growth spurts (I know mine went from chubby to long and quite skinny remarkably quickly) so I hope you can rest assured that that factor alone could not have warned you something was wrong

Thinking of you all very often.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Fri 15-Mar-13 17:57:45

Mia would be 2 and a half today. Should be two and a half. Love you, love you, my darling.

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