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A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

(996 Posts)
MiaAlexandrasmummy Wed 16-May-12 21:47:09

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia’s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because… it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

Tamdin Sat 02-Feb-13 21:12:16

So sorry to read your words of pain and hurt. As trulymadlydeeply said I wish we could make it better for you. I wish so much you didn't have to go through this. Sending you love x

GRW Sun 03-Feb-13 08:14:12

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. Your love for Mia is so absolute and I am sure she felt it every day of her life. Thinking of you x

Whorulestheroost Sun 03-Feb-13 08:44:02

I often read and feel your love for Mis and such acute pain and loss...thinking of you

janey68 Sun 03-Feb-13 14:09:32

Just to say we're all still here, still thinking of you and all of your lovely family. I hope you have some happy Mia dreams soon.

dubaipieeye Mon 04-Feb-13 17:46:27

Darling Miasmummy, so sorry. It is all so utterly wrong. Tears here for you too. xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy Tue 05-Feb-13 22:10:18

I did have a happy Mia dream. I can't remember any details, other than she was happy and busy, so I hope that is the truth of that alternative reality I hope is there, out of my reach, only visible in my dreams...

My health visitor has been asking me questions about Mia and Finn, telling me that I will have to be careful not to make her a 'perfect child', a sister to whom he can never compare. I don't think it's anything I have said, more a general warning - well, I hope so. Anyway, I'd like to think that I wouldn't do that - in my mind, while Mia was a 'perfect' child to me in many ways, I would hope that I would allow my love for her to remember her in her funny ways, her screams, her crying, for just being herself... and that I will give Finn the same latitude to grow and change, and just 'be' in his own way. I don't want him to be her. That would be wrong. I have to allow, encourage, develop, Finn to be his own person - just as I don't want to say that "oh yes, Mia would be like this now, or she would love doing that." She still deserves not to be pigeon-holed by my own desires. As does he.

Yet I am aware that while I will never be 100% happy in myself, I can be 100% happy in the love that I have for Finn. And it's that gap in between those two which I cannot permit to influence Finn. He should not ever know about it, or feel he has to fill in that gap for me. That is for me to deal with.

SaintVera Tue 05-Feb-13 22:31:55

You are right, Mias. Finn is his own little man and your pain for Mia is another entity altogether. One day, you will probably be able to discuss it with him and explain it as beautifully as you have done here.

We are fighting not to land all our pain on our surviving children. It is so hard. I read a bit on a forum tonight, from a sibling who lost her brother. She also lost her mother because her mum couldn't parent her any more because of her grief. This girl was really furious with her mother. It gave me a jolt and made me think how much I love my surviving children and how much they deserve my love xxx

pookiecat Wed 06-Feb-13 17:32:16

just wanted to send you love and light.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Thu 07-Feb-13 22:32:42

Received much love and light today, as we presented the Mia's Wood design competition awards to a local school today. Their work was creative, inspiring, and touching - and really captured our vision for Mia's Wood to be a place of hope, beauty and wonder.

A little moment of sadness thought. We took Finn along, and we joked how it was his first day at school. Naturally, my next thought was that Mia will never have that day. I had to suppress the emotions around that thought, and stop myself from taking it any further.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Thu 07-Feb-13 22:34:09

And there was a huge Mia cloud kiss in the sky as we drove away. Love you always, my beautiful girl.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Fri 08-Feb-13 22:27:26

"Baby Mia died" announced her little friend, the one who thinks she is a star, as he ate his lunch today. "Yes, she did." His mother added "And we all miss her very much."

"Is baby Finn going to die?" A very natural question from a 3-year-old. "No, darling, he isn't." I replied, and how I hated thinking that I really have no idea what might happen.

I could never have imagined it. But it happened to Mia.

Who am I to say? But what else could I say, both for him and me?

janey68 Fri 08-Feb-13 22:53:17

Such innocent yet painful questions and observations

I think you answered in the only way you could. And I'm glad mias friends talk about her even though it must be bittersweet at times. She was a real part of their little lives.

pookiecat Mon 11-Feb-13 11:22:38

Lovely Mia always remembered and thought about in real life and on here... Peace to you and your family xxxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy Mon 11-Feb-13 23:25:09

Yesterday, I heard a baby crying through the monitor, and I thought for a moment that it was Mia. "All is right with the world," I thought. Finn sounds very like her. A feeling of happiness, following by a shocked realisation and sadness, immediately followed by a different sort of happiness. All is not right in the world, yet there is still a measure of happiness, and for that, I am grateful.

monstertufts Tue 12-Feb-13 19:23:26

Dropping in to let you know that you, your husband, Mia and Finn are still in my thoughts.

There is such strength in your posts, and a real sense of determination to rebuild happiness despite your awful loss. Finn is a lucky little boy.

I also want to let you know that whilst it's true, as you say, that there will be no new photos of Mia for you to treasure, every time any of us read your words here or remembers Mia, she lives on. She will live on in the beautiful wood you are creating, and in the star that your lovely friends named after her, and in the knowledge that little Finn will come to have of his big sister. Sending love. xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy Wed 13-Feb-13 17:27:48

Thank you for all your continued love for Mia, and for her family. It does mean such a lot to us.

Today, I'd like to ask for your love to be directed towards a little boy, born yesterday to a wonderful friend. However, I heard this news today, as she needs a lawyer - her little boy is in intensive care due to gross misconduct by her hospital, and the next 72 hours will be critical.

It's not supposed to be like this.

And sadly, we are only too well equipped to advise her and her husband.

Lostonthemoors Wed 13-Feb-13 17:49:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monstertufts Wed 13-Feb-13 19:33:00

That poor little baby. Praying that he gets better quickly. What a horrible experience for all involved.

I meant to say in my last post that I saw a news story about Mia a while back. I was just browsing child-related news stories online and I recognised her beautiful photo instantly. xxxx

Tamdin Fri 15-Feb-13 09:11:18

Hi Miasmummy. Thinking of you and hoping the little boy you spoke of is ok? X

pookiecat Fri 15-Feb-13 20:00:32

Love and light to your friend and to you too xxxxxxxx

jmf294 Sat 16-Feb-13 18:23:10

Thinking of your friend and their baby and really hope the outcome will be good.
I often think of you, Mia and Finn. Xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy Mon 18-Feb-13 13:07:36

Thank you, my friends. Still no news from my friend, which is worrying.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Tue 19-Feb-13 22:05:10

Received some news - the little baby is slowly becoming stronger, and has been put into the lower risk area of the intensive care unit. Small gains, but so very important.

A moment today - I was with a friend whom I met because of Mia, and she told me that she still had a pair of Mia's frilly nappy knickers that they had borrowed for her daughter for a wedding in the summer of 2011. She hadn't mentioned it as it never had been the right time. She offered to give them back, but I said that they should keep them. She thought Mia's friend would probably keep them in her underwear drawer for a long time yet... sad, but happy that this memory of Mia is sitting elsewhere, to be looked at and smiled upon.

eightytwenty Tue 19-Feb-13 22:19:47

Hi. Just checking in, to say hi, and that I think of you often. How is little Finn doing? Hopefully reaching all his mile stones nicely.
Hope your friend's baby continues to improve.

dippymother Wed 20-Feb-13 09:01:34

Miasmummy, just read some of your posts and, although, I am too late to join the thread, I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.

My DS died unexpectedly a long time ago aged 8 months. He had seemed a healthy and happy little boy, with a sniffle. I got antibiotics and fobbed off as an overprotective mother. The post mortem revealed he had an acute bacterial infection of the heart valves, possibly due to an infection entering his bloodstream. It was a heartbreaking time for us and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone - things like this do happen, mistakes were made in retrospect but not picked up at the time. I have rebuilt my life over time, having two more children but I still think of him often and wonder what he would be like, what he would be doing etc. He is still my son and I will never forget him. My children know all about him, though of course they weren't born when he was alive.

The lovely words you have written here and the support from MNers has been brilliant and I'm sure it gives you comfort to know that so many people care.

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