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My boy...

(141 Posts)
MrsY Thu 03-May-12 09:33:51

I was due on April 14th with our son, a little brother for our three year old daughter. I’d had a difficult pregnancy and labour with our daughter (PET), and despite a few early bleeds, this pregnancy was ‘low risk’ so I was given the go ahead for a midwife led delivery at the birth centre. I’d had a couple of sweeps as my consultant was very keen for me not to go overdue. I’d had a bit of a show, and then on Easter Sunday the contractions started. I timed them through church and Sunday lunch without anyone noticing, and then my mum realised what was happening. We decided to go home and get settled, put our daughter to bed and see what happened. The contractions were getting stronger and closer, and we decided to call my mum to come over, in case we needed to go in. We called the birth centre at about 9pm and they said to go in. We left mum at the house and headed in, and we called my friend who’s a midwife and was going to be my second birth partner to meet us there.

When we got to the birth centre, the mw listened to the baby’s heartbeat, I was examined and was still only 3cm dilated. BP taken and was fine – phew, and the midwife checked through all my notes and then broke the news that my latest set of blood results indicated my iron were too low and I would have to deliver at the main hospital as I my risk level was too high for the birth centre. I was devastated. Because I was still on 3cm, we headed home, thinking that if things picked up we would have to go to the hospital. When we got home, the mw called and said that she had checked the blood results on her system, and it was different than the ones in my book; I had been given the wrong results, so I was fine and could go back to the birth centre when the time was right.

Managed to get some sleep, as the contractions eased off about 3am. In the morning, mum left and we got back to normal. J’s parents called round to see if we needed anything and they decided to take our daughter home with them to give us time to rest and in case things kicked off. We spent the day pottering round with contractions coming on and off throughout. We went to bed and J ran me a bath when the contractions picked up again. They were coming about every 5 mins apart, and were getting really strong, so we called the birth centre again, about 3:30-ish. They said to go in, so in we went. We explained what had happened the night before, and she started her obs. BP was higher than normal, and then she tried to check his heartbeat, but couldn’t find it. She re-assured me that it didn’t necessarily mean what we thought it meant, but said they would have to blue light us to the hospital. We were praying so hard as we waited for the ambulance. J was going to drive behind the ambulance, and I asked for the gas and air, partly so I could manage the pain of the contractions, partly so I could suspend my fears until we knew what was going on.

During the half hour journey to the hospital, I zoned in and out of the paramedic and mw’s conversation but spent most of the time praying everything would be ok. When we got to the delivery room, J and our friend E were waiting for us. They told me I’d need to move onto the bed, and as I moved, I felt the baby’s head. I’d gone to 10cm and the baby was crowning. E told me to open my eyes and focus on what she said, and calmed me down enough to concentrate on pushing. Two pushes later and I had delivered him. He was taken straight away for resus. For 15 mins we heard them try and give our son life, but I knew that it was no use. E had seen him and realised that he had probably gone a few hours before birth, and had warned us that he probably wouldn’t make it. I remember saying at one point ‘they’re going to stop soon, aren’t they?’ and she said they probably would. I very nearly asked them to stop, but couldn’t quite bring myself to.

After 15 minutes, they stopped and one guy came over to tell us that our son hadn’t made it. Then it was like something from a book or film. I heard a noise that sounded like an injured wild animal, and realised it was me making the noise.

Our son, Benedict John Peanut was born at 6am on Tuesday, April 10th.

GrossePopel Thu 03-May-12 14:01:34

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your son's name is lovely.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

chipmonkey Thu 03-May-12 15:58:45

MrsY, please do join us on the bereaved Mum's thread. All the ladies are so kind and supportive. I lost my baby daughter last October, she was 7 weeks old. Benedict is a lovely, lovely name.

LittleWhiteWolf Thu 03-May-12 16:02:27

I'm so sorry and sad for you. sad

chimchar Thu 03-May-12 16:03:13

so sorry to read about your little boy. his name is beautiful.


ThatVikRinA22 Thu 03-May-12 16:06:49

i am really so very sorry for you mrsy i wish you peace and strength and love. x

diedandgonetodevon Thu 03-May-12 16:08:03

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Benedict sad. Thinking of you and your family.

surroundedbyblondes Thu 03-May-12 16:08:53

What a lovely name for your precious boy. I wish you peace and strength. This is just heartbreaking.

margoandjerry Thu 03-May-12 16:14:29

How shocking and awful. I am so sorry. It's so unfair. Wishing you strength at this horrible, horrible time.

amyboo Thu 03-May-12 18:54:46

I'm so sorry to read your post MrsY. i just lost my baby boy (DS2) at 35 weeks. He was born on 22 April after I was induced when they couldn't find his heartbeat. I completely share your sorrow. I know in our case that DH and I have taken great strength and comfort from the support of our friends and family. No one really knows what to say, but it's nice to know people are thinking of us.

The pain is enormous, but there are some wonderful people on this site who've been through it and come out the other side. I hope you can find the support and comfort you need on here.

Your little boy will never be forgotton and will forever be a part of your life, just like my little boy Thomas will be in ours. I hope for us both that the pain and sadness eases with time. Thinking of you x

spanky2 Thu 03-May-12 18:58:50

I just wanted to add, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you and your family with your terrible loss.

3littlebadgers Thu 03-May-12 19:06:44

I'm so sorry that is just too terrible. Thinking of you, your family and of baby Benedict.

MakeHayAndSneeze Thu 03-May-12 19:24:57

I am so sorry, and you are so brave posting your story. I have no other words, but will say a prayer for you.

I am sorry for your loss.

Benedict Peanut is a beautiful name.

You are very brave.

Grockle Thu 03-May-12 19:31:08

I'm so sorry for your loss. Beautiful name.

MrsY Thu 03-May-12 21:51:08

Thank you all. amyboo, you're right. Our facebook pages and inboxes are full of words that alone are fairly meaningless, but tell us that our friends and families are thinking of us and love us. The thing that has been so reassuring is the knowledge that people are thinking of Benedict - it's so hard thinking he didn't have any impact on the world. On the day of his funeral, over 50 of my friends changed their profile photos to a picture of a candle. That says that he had an impact, and it serves to validate him as a person.

My husband and I had argued so much over his name, we really don't agree! We both liked Benedict, but I'm not so keen on Ben, but it felt appropriate. No-one is likely to shorten his name now, and it means blessed, which he is. We played the Benedictus at his funeral, it meant so much. John is my husband's name, and Peanut was his bump name. We called him Peanut all the way through the pregnancy and we still call him that most times! Our daughter still calls him Peanut. His name really suits him and is so perfect.

Mama1980 Fri 04-May-12 11:30:54

I'm so very very sorry for your loss sad sleep sweet benedict xxx

gaunyerseljeannie Fri 04-May-12 15:57:27

So sorry for your loss, as I read your post the poignancy of the date reminded me of this.
Thinking of you and yours and Benedict,


My little man, down what centuries
of light did you travel
to reach us here,
your stay so short-lived;

in the twinkling of an eye
you were moving on,
bearing our name and a splinter
of the human cross we suffer;

flashed upon us like a beacon,
we wait in darkness for that light
to come round, knowing at heart
you shine forever for us.

by Hugh O’Donnell

FuckedOfftotheFarSideofFuck Fri 04-May-12 16:00:37

Beautifully written. I am so sorry for your loss. So sorry that Benedict didn't get to live in this world.

MarkStretch Fri 04-May-12 16:03:58

Mrsy I'm so glad you've posted on here, I hope so much that we can all help you through this. I think about you all the time, every day, and wonder how you are doing. xxx

FreckledLeopard Fri 04-May-12 16:15:23

I am so desperately sorry for the loss of your son. Benedict is a beautiful name. Wishing you all the support, peace and love that is out there.

chipmonkey Sat 05-May-12 11:34:15

gaunyers, dh read that out at dd's funeral but changed it to "My little one" rather than "my little man". It's so beautiful.

Faverolles Sat 05-May-12 11:40:53

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you all x
Benedict is such a lovely name.

gaunyerseljeannie Sat 05-May-12 17:18:56

chipmonkey thinking of you too, how very courageous of your dh, It is beautiful isn't it.

siilk Sat 05-May-12 17:25:00

I am so sorry that you have lost Benedict. We lost our second son at 36 weeks in September 2009. Be kind to yourself. Do what you need to do to grieve. I like to remember the joy that Ds2 gave me and now these memories make me smile where once only tears fell. Big big hugs.

chipmonkey Sat 05-May-12 17:58:22

gaunyers, I really don't know how he did it. But he held it together so well.. He really wanted to give dd a dignified send-off.

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