My boy...(141 Posts)
I was due on April 14th with our son, a little brother for our three year old daughter. Id had a difficult pregnancy and labour with our daughter (PET), and despite a few early bleeds, this pregnancy was low risk so I was given the go ahead for a midwife led delivery at the birth centre. Id had a couple of sweeps as my consultant was very keen for me not to go overdue. Id had a bit of a show, and then on Easter Sunday the contractions started. I timed them through church and Sunday lunch without anyone noticing, and then my mum realised what was happening. We decided to go home and get settled, put our daughter to bed and see what happened. The contractions were getting stronger and closer, and we decided to call my mum to come over, in case we needed to go in. We called the birth centre at about 9pm and they said to go in. We left mum at the house and headed in, and we called my friend whos a midwife and was going to be my second birth partner to meet us there.
When we got to the birth centre, the mw listened to the babys heartbeat, I was examined and was still only 3cm dilated. BP taken and was fine phew, and the midwife checked through all my notes and then broke the news that my latest set of blood results indicated my iron were too low and I would have to deliver at the main hospital as I my risk level was too high for the birth centre. I was devastated. Because I was still on 3cm, we headed home, thinking that if things picked up we would have to go to the hospital. When we got home, the mw called and said that she had checked the blood results on her system, and it was different than the ones in my book; I had been given the wrong results, so I was fine and could go back to the birth centre when the time was right.
Managed to get some sleep, as the contractions eased off about 3am. In the morning, mum left and we got back to normal. Js parents called round to see if we needed anything and they decided to take our daughter home with them to give us time to rest and in case things kicked off. We spent the day pottering round with contractions coming on and off throughout. We went to bed and J ran me a bath when the contractions picked up again. They were coming about every 5 mins apart, and were getting really strong, so we called the birth centre again, about 3:30-ish. They said to go in, so in we went. We explained what had happened the night before, and she started her obs. BP was higher than normal, and then she tried to check his heartbeat, but couldnt find it. She re-assured me that it didnt necessarily mean what we thought it meant, but said they would have to blue light us to the hospital. We were praying so hard as we waited for the ambulance. J was going to drive behind the ambulance, and I asked for the gas and air, partly so I could manage the pain of the contractions, partly so I could suspend my fears until we knew what was going on.
During the half hour journey to the hospital, I zoned in and out of the paramedic and mws conversation but spent most of the time praying everything would be ok. When we got to the delivery room, J and our friend E were waiting for us. They told me Id need to move onto the bed, and as I moved, I felt the babys head. Id gone to 10cm and the baby was crowning. E told me to open my eyes and focus on what she said, and calmed me down enough to concentrate on pushing. Two pushes later and I had delivered him. He was taken straight away for resus. For 15 mins we heard them try and give our son life, but I knew that it was no use. E had seen him and realised that he had probably gone a few hours before birth, and had warned us that he probably wouldnt make it. I remember saying at one point theyre going to stop soon, arent they? and she said they probably would. I very nearly asked them to stop, but couldnt quite bring myself to.
After 15 minutes, they stopped and one guy came over to tell us that our son hadnt made it. Then it was like something from a book or film. I heard a noise that sounded like an injured wild animal, and realised it was me making the noise.
Our son, Benedict John Peanut was born at 6am on Tuesday, April 10th.
You've made me cry. I don't ever come to this area so apologies for butting in, but you are incredibly strong to write this so soon after his birth.
Wishing you peace and strength.
MrsY I am so, so sorry to hear about Benedict. What an appropriate name, I think it means 'blessed' in Latin. I very, very nearly lost my daughter in childbirth six months ago and I can quite relate to the fear you had. I have never prayed so hard in my life, instinctively even though I am a lapsed Catholic of many years. I count my blessings every day.
Have you had any counselling or been in touch with SANDS? They were wonderful when my friend lost her infant son.
TBH, I didn't know if this should go here or in the miscarriage/pregnancy loss bit, but I was already forgetting things, so wanted to get it all written down.
I think the only reason I can talk about it is because it still doesn't feel real.
So so sorry OP to hear about your son, thats really made me cry, i cant even comprehend how deep your sorrow must be, but my heart is breaking here also. Did you get to hold him ? Lots of hugs from here, we can all cry together
MrsY So sorry to hear of little Benedict (what a beautiful name).
I gave birth to my stillborn daughter last April, we didnt know she had died and went into Hospital in full labour only to be told when they couldnt find the heart beat that she had died.
I felt numb for so long, and distant from it all. There is a bereaved mums thread on here if you ever want to post, we have all been through the loss of a baby, child. We will listen and not judge.
Be gentle with yourself, let your grief take you where you need to go in the next few weeks.
I too wanted to write down my daughters birth story, I have a little book in her memory box, where I have written it all down.
oh sweetheart, I'm sitting here in tears. As you know I've known your awful news for a few weeks now and have cried and prayed for you many times since then but reading your words now my heart breaks for you again. I am so very glad that you've come here and posted MrsY. As I said before, there are some lovely mummys on the special thread that have walked the same horrible and unfair path that you, J and M are now walking and I just hope that they can help you in a way that your other friends can't as they truly understand everything you have gone and will go through.
When you are ready, all your friends are waiting for you on our other thread. Take care xxx
I just want to say how very sorry I am for your loss. Even though he's not here he will always be your baby boy and a part of your family. It's heartbreaking to read your post.
MrsY - Big hugs from us too (you know me from TB) Benedict will always be remembered by so many, you, J and M are in our thoughts and prayers everyday. xxx
I am so so sorry to hear about Benedict. My thoughts and love are with you and your family x
So sad, I'm never sure what to put, but your story made me cry and I couldn't read it and not say how sorry I am.
MrsY you poor, poor person. You have suffered the worst loss imaginable. I bet your son Benedict is absolutely gorgeous.
If you feel like some support from others who have lost their children, to scream and yell and say it is unfair and you don't understand - there is (sadly) a group of us here. The ladies here are kind and funny and always, always understanding.
I'm so very sorry your darling boy didn't make it.x
I am so sorry for your darling son.
I am so sorry that this has happened, love and thoughts to you and your family. S x
Oh no I'm so so sorry. Reading your first post I can only imagine how frightening and terrible that night was.
Wishing you so much strength in the months to come.
Sending love to your family and thinking of Benedict.
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