Hi Chavmum,
I am a girlfriend of a widower. I am though in the main very very happy as my guy does his up-most to ensure I am No.1, not only by him but also friends, relatives etc. There are however some sensitive issues that we work around together as a team. I do think though that if he were divorced there would be other issues just not the same!
I believe that the only way to deal with this kind of relationship ( or any other) is to remain positive, anchored in the present, not the past, and to look forward to what life may bring in the future & both parties need to have this frame of mind.
However, I do have a friend who lost her hubby 3 and half years ago and still finds it difficult to move forward & has lost recent new relationships because of this... she is desperately trying to overcome this as this is really holding her back. As her friend I look at her & think she so deserves to find new happiness. AND that is the key it is not about moving on and forgetting - it about finding NEW happiness which we all deserve. My friend is only 43 she could live another 40 years - I want her to enjoy love, family, holidays , Christmas - cold nights & warm sunny days ........... life is too short to stay stuck for too long. If you can find a way to move forward then go for it.
I am not sure of your circumstances Chavmum but sometimes people have not yet reached the turning point - maybe your guy is still stuck??
My BF is a very positive person about everything - he is a glass over flowing type person! He considers himself fortunate that he had a good marriage that produced two great kids & through just bad luck lost his wife. But that was then & this is now. Now he has an opportunity (that whilst he did not ask for) - can enjoy another successful relationship. Of course it will be different as I am not the same & him + me together creates a different kind of relationship to him + late wife. But that's a good thing. It is not better or worse - just different and he can truly hold the memory of his late wife sacred. But importantly physically & mentally that is in the past and carefully and lovingly boxed away and cherished and remembered every now & then.
My BF and I have just come back from holiday with his children & we had a whale of a time! They are now away with their maternal grandparents and we both will collect them this weekend and have Easter with them at their home. While I am a little worried ( ee one of my earlier posts a weeks or so back) I am more concerned that not everyone in the family has moved on & I feel for them & feel guilty sometimes. But also , I think it is important to remember that any new GF or BF of a widow/er has their own story too.... they may have suffered heart break and also looking for love & companionship. We all deserve love and to be happy.
It is equally important for both sides to be understanding of the others needs.
We plan every month what we are doing next to have fun, and move forward. Including how to integrate me fully with his children as the plan is that I will move in later this year & then we will look for what we call 'our fresh start' home. Sometimes we have slowed things down a little for the kids but they too deserve happiness and they won't forget their Mum but they do need to be happy & successful in their own right and losing their Mum should instil in them the fortitude to deal with life but that you can still have a wondrous time in the future. I know that their Mum will want that for all of them.
So to sum up from my experience the key to dealing with this kind of relationship is for both parties to be anchored in the here & now , focus on future happiness , bring with you occasionally good stuff from the past - but leave unhappiness behind and neither of you should focus on the fact that you were once happy with someone else, regardless of how you lost those past loves.
Hope this helps xxx