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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Mother Died today on my sons birthdday.

19 replies

brookeslay · 05/02/2012 14:01

I feel sad that I am susposed to be happy for him she died suddenly in the night a post mortem is being carried out. My DP is in sweden and my family are all down south so Im sad and alone. It makes it worse my sister is organising it who I do not get along with and don`t talk with due to her husbands threatening me in 2009. So what shall I do ??

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LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 05/02/2012 14:07

Sorry about your mother. Have you talked to your DH?
I would say celebrate your son's birthday (you are allowed to be happy for him). How old is he? If very small he might not realised that you are sad and I would hide it (probably talking bollocks), if older I am not sure. Seeing your post I would guess you are not close to your mum and him to her?
Your mum can wait till tomorrow.

LynetteScavo · 05/02/2012 14:11

Do you have any friends you can meet up with to help get you through today?

brookeslay · 05/02/2012 14:13

My mother had dementia I was very close to her before it took its grip. My son is three. I have spoken to my DP but no point flying back as there is nothing he can do. I dreamed about her last night a very vivid dream that felt real. My mother had been living in Kent for the past couple of years. The family divisions are making it worse I feel drained.

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LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 05/02/2012 14:19

What do want to do?
Are you a solitary griever or do you need someone with you? Do you have friends around (even if not really close)?
3 is tricky does he knows it is birthday? If so it has to go on as normal as he won't understand. Be prepare to be a wrecked when you go to bed.
Any of the family on your side of the division, so you can talk to them and avoid your sister?

brookeslay · 05/02/2012 14:19

No Lynettes my friends are down south our friends up here are via my DP so its difficult and neighbours are more aquaintances. I feel I knew here better than anyone as I lived at home with my older son as a single parent.

I would liked to have done a funeral how she wanted but they did even know it had already been paid for. We have to pass messages between my elderly father ( they divorced when I was young ) as the go between.

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LynetteScavo · 05/02/2012 14:21

I think you need to start talking directly to your sister again. After all, you will have to see her at the funeral.

brookeslay · 05/02/2012 14:22

I probably think I am a solitary griever though with hugs. My son knows its his birthday I feel guilty as Im feeling deflated and lost my appetite I cant even muster the energy to make a cup of tea.

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brookeslay · 05/02/2012 14:28

My sisters husband left threatening messages on my phone he is horrid this was due to arguements about my mother they stole her away and conned social workers into saying she wanted to break contact with family.

This was all lies I kept ringing the social worker day in day out until she caved in and gave her mobile phone to mum who cried and said she missed me. My sister got angry when she found out and tore up any cards etc i sent.

So blooming convulted its untrue I despair at the situation and it put me into a huge depression which I don`t think i have come out of.

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LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 05/02/2012 14:31

Acquaintances or DP 's friends are OK if you need help. They might agree to take your son a bit for a treat to make the rest of the day bareable or make tea or what ever you need. Don't be afraid to ask for help in RL too.

You will probably have to talk to your sister too.
Sorry the baby is crying I will have to go.

brookeslay · 05/02/2012 14:34

thanks LeMouquetaire.

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cottonmouth · 05/02/2012 14:38

Sorry about your mother. Dementia is horrible. My mother died from this a year ago and it was a blessing, tbh.

Now perhaps it is time to have a reconciliation with your sister.

As the line from the Sound of Music goes - when God closes a door, he opens a window.

brookeslay · 05/02/2012 14:44

Sadly she is not a very nice person not everyone is redeemable. She has one agenda and that is money she lost her and wanted my mothers. There is a restraining order aswell as the police was involved at the level of threats I endured. I am glad there will be no more suffering i hope they go on to a better place and are restored i hope that with all my heart.

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LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 05/02/2012 18:46

bumping for you as I am 2 h ahead.

sittinginthesun · 05/02/2012 19:09

Sorry to hear your sad news.

Although I always hope that families can reconcile after losing a parent, I do not that this is sadly not always possible.

You need to grieve, but it may take a while to sink in properly. Grief really is a journey, and your feelings change day by day. What you feel now is not how you will feel tommorrow, or next week, but it is important that you do grieve.

As regards your son's birthday, what rubbish timing! I do think that you need to celebrate (know he's probably in bed now), and maybe in the future you can celebrate his birthday, and your mum's life on the anniversary. It's funny how children pull you through sometimes. When my dad died, my overwhelming memory of the funeral etc, was being with my children.

As for your family, I would write to your sister, say how sorry you are, maybe mention a few shared memories and then leave it like that. If you know who is dealing with the funeral, ring the funeral directors direct and explain the situation. They will be tactful.

Personally, I wouldn't get involved in another battle re: money or what happened in the past. Some people have weird ways of going on, and a battle is just going to exhaust you.

Remember your mum for the good times you had, and the love she gave you. My late grandma used to say that we dreamed if her at the times she was thinking about us in the night, so I bet your lovely mum was sending you a message.

Take care. X

brookeslay · 06/02/2012 09:14

Thank you sitting in the sun it was a horrible night i I was sad and alone my eyes hurt from crying. I feel frozen I was thinking about the songs she would like she liked Roy Orbinson Pretty Woman as people used to sing that to her.
She also liked this Classical song k. She loved music which stills touch ppl with dementia.

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LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 08/02/2012 11:42

I hope you are OK brooke. Is your DH back? Did you managed to get some help. Thinking of you.

brookeslay · 09/02/2012 16:50

Thank you lovely Mousquetaire for your message, he might be back next week. his family are not big on emotions so he doesnt know what to say ( though he does gives good cuddles).<br /> <br /> My father had been helping too.<br /> <br /> I also went out today which Im proud I did as my legs are like little jellies.

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LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 12/02/2012 09:40

Cuddles are good!
It will get easier with the jelly legs. You should be proud. Take care.

chipmonkey · 17/02/2012 23:12

You poor thing! I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother and sorry that your sister and her husband have been so horrible to you and kept you from your Mum in her last days.

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