how can i help my daughters cope when i am not sure that i am?

(24 Posts)
MrsDucker Thu 19-Jan-12 11:51:48

In march 2011 my youngest daughter died in her sleep she was 13 months old and very healthy. she was walking talking dancing and had the most cheeky and beautiful smile. On the sunday night when i put her to bed she was fine we had a big cuddle and lots of kisses but on the Monday morning when my eldest woke us up for school we found her face down in her cot not breathing i dont really remember much other than screaming and waking my husband up and trying CPR but nothing worked, while i was in the ambulance outside with them working on my princess i remember looking at the house and seeing my other two daughters stood looking at us and shouting get them in side they dont need to see this. it all happened so quick but i went in the ambulance and my husband stayed with the girls until his mum arrived and then he rushed to to hospital. when we got home from the hospital i think the girls knew even tho we asked no one to tell them, because they didnt ask where she was. We sat them down and told them and tried to comfort them but we were in no state for much so our families took over with the girls. it has been nearly a year now and i know i am still not dealing with my grief but i am trying to be so strong for the girls. they are fighting more, crying over silly things, shouting at me if they dont want to do something, and really have changed so much. i understand in the same way that i am never going to be the same again neither are they but i suppose i just need/want advice on how to help them understand and cope with all of the things that must be going through their little heads. they are 6 and 4.

if anyone has any ideas i would be really grateful. thanks

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MrsDucker Thu 19-Jan-12 11:53:45

think i have posted this in the wrong place how do i move it?

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CMOTDibbler Thu 19-Jan-12 11:54:44

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Your youngest dd sounds like a gorgeous little girl.

Sounds like you all need some professional help - Winstons Wish are a charity that specifically helps bereaved children, and would help you too

coccyx Thu 19-Jan-12 11:57:04

how old are your daughters?

Psammead Thu 19-Jan-12 11:57:11

Sorry, no help to offer, just huge sympathies.

I reported the thread for you so it gets moved.

So terribly sorry for your loss.

MrsDucker Thu 19-Jan-12 11:57:23

she really really is they all are,

are they online?

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MrsDucker Thu 19-Jan-12 11:58:43

they are 6 and 4 and my youngest would of been 2 on feb 1st

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Psammead Thu 19-Jan-12 11:58:57

Winston's Wish

CamperFan Thu 19-Jan-12 11:59:08

I am so sorry to read this. I really hope you all get the support you need.

StickAForkInMeImDone Thu 19-Jan-12 12:01:11

I second contacting Winstons Wish. Also, have you checked if your school have any links with them or a "specified" (sorry can't think of right word) person for helping children who have been bereaved. When DS dad died the school were fabulous and contacted WW on our behalf.
sad for you and (((hugs))) for you and your family.

MrsDucker Thu 19-Jan-12 12:01:23

thank you x

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KatMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 19-Jan-12 12:05:48

MrsDucker

think i have posted this in the wrong place how do i move it?

Hi OP, condolences to you and your family. We'll move this into Bereavement for you. Hope you find the support you need.

MrsDucker Thu 19-Jan-12 12:11:29

thank you i have just signed up to the winstons wish web page. the school put us in contact with a child charity but they have not been in contact with us for a while and when i contact them they only suggested doing a memory box with the girls but the girls did that but were upset by looking at stuff, photos ect.

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LouMacca Thu 19-Jan-12 12:51:11

So very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.

There is a regular support thread on Mumsnet for bereaved parents.

I hope you get all the support you need x x

MrsDucker Thu 19-Jan-12 15:58:10

thank you everyone has been so kind xx

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Clownsarescary Thu 19-Jan-12 16:15:31

MrsDucker I am so sorry for your baby and your family. Was it Cot Death? Have you contacted the Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths (FSID) for support?

Wishing you and your family strength.

karmathreefold Thu 19-Jan-12 16:25:18

MrsDucker, I'm so sorry xx

Please do join us on the bereaved parents thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1361434-Christmas-hope-our-safe-haven-thread-for-bereaved-parents

This is a great place for us bereaved parents.

I can't suggest anything. My second DD was born sleeping at 37 weeks 2.5 months ago. I have a son of 20, so he obviously is old enough to understand, and my eldest DD is only 18 months, so too young.

There are other mummies though, who have other DC, so they can perhaps tell you their experiences & I' sure they'll be along in a minute.

Another lovely, lovely lady lost her absolutely beautiful DD Mia at the same age as your precious DD.

Please feel free to talk about your DD, what was her name? xx

Whatevertheweather Thu 19-Jan-12 16:38:17

MrsDucker I'm so so sorry to hear about your darling dd. That must have been the most awful terrible shock. Can I second Karma's invitation to join us on the bereaved mothers thread is you would like to. Some of the posters on there have lost children and had older children too.

I lost my dd in August just after she was born. I have an older dd who is nearly 5. What seems to have worked with her is:

Being very direct and honest in response to her many questions.
Trying very hard not to cry when she talks about Erin as I don't want her to get to the point where she won't talk about her for fear of upsetting me.
On the flip side I do let her see me cry about her and let her know it is okay to be sad as we all loved her very much
Kept her routine as normal as possible and if I'm honest she has probably been quite spoiled with attention/material things more than usual.
She has the job of choosing and watering the flowers at Erin's grave - it makes her feel she can still be a 'big sister' in a small way

She seems to be coping okay but she is still very sad sometimes. I know for you it will be different as your dd was older. Winstons Wish will hopefully be able to give you some better advice xx

chipmonkey Thu 19-Jan-12 19:29:41

Oh my goodness, I am so very sorry.sad I lost my 7 week old dd to what looks like cot death. I have four boys ranging in age from 15 to 3.
I talk about my daughter all the time to the boys and we regularly visit her grave and light candles. I do think it's fine to let your girls see you are still upset. One thing that was suggested at an information day is that sometimes older children imagine that they will die too and have a fear of it so they need reassurance that what happened to their sister was very, very rare.
Do join us on the thread karma linked to, we are all a wonderful support to each other.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Thu 19-Jan-12 21:39:07

mrsducker I am so, so sorry about your DD. What is her name? I lost my Mia in October, at 13 months as well. It wasn't cot death, but nonetheless a very sudden and terrible shock on the night of my DH's birthday. We are still battling with our grief - Mia is our only child.

Our friends and family with older children have been utterly shocked and saddened, of course, but some observations which may or may not be useful:-

- they all tell their children that it is ok for adults to cry when they are sad.
- one couple explained that Mia was gone, and their little 2-year-old now waves to her every night, as he thinks she is a star. We quite like that.
- his 6-year-old sister says we should 'sing and shout' about Mia, as she was a very noisy little girl. She herself is quite serious and reserved, and told her mother that "little girls don't always say when they are sad, mummy - they just keep it inside". She had a lot of questions and worries, so her parents have spent a lot of time talking with her
- Mia's 6-year-old cousin simply won't talk about Mia's death, despite her parents' encouragement, but she loved her Mia 'star' Christmas necklace
- I was asked by a little 4-year-old who had previously been dangerously ill about how Mia died. I told her that Mia was very sick, and the doctors tried to help her, but they couldn't - and it wouldn't happen to her. This seemed to satisfy her.
- my family all openly talk about Mia with her cousins, and tell funny stories about her little habits, so that she remains a living part of the family legacy

Every family is different though, and it is very early days for us all, so things could be very different as time goes on.

MrsDucker Thu 19-Jan-12 23:58:58

her name is Sophie Lyn, the inquest ruled sudden unexplained death, they found nothing wrong with her in PM.

My 4yr Emily waters Sophie's flowers but Melissa our 6yr wont go to the grave she is a very sensitive little girl even more so now tho.

we try to be very honest and have told them what happen to Sophie was very rare and will not happen to them but 5 days after Sophie died Melissa got rushed into hospital with a non blanching rash and i stayed in over night with her and my husband said Emily asked if Melissa was going to die too. sad

Sophie died on the 21st of march and it was my birthday on the 24th of march and mothers day on the 26th so really dreading march. sad

Its it really hard as Emily says Sophie is still here and only she can see her. she sets plates for her and wants us to strap Sophie in the car ect.

I am in touch with the FSID i have posted a link to a charity cycle we are doing for them in the charity section, they have been a great help to me but are more focused on the parents rather than siblings.

I will check that like out you have all been so kind and supportive

thanks you xx

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chipmonkey Fri 20-Jan-12 00:05:39

What a beautiful name. My dd was Sylvie-Rose but might have been Sophie had dh's niece not been called it. All your girls sound lovely!

zeno Wed 25-Jan-12 10:42:02

Hello Mrs Ducker. I'm so sorry to hear about your Sophie Lyn.

Our daughter died suddenly and without explanation, though we did eventually discover her cause of death. There is a US organisation called Sudden and Unexplained Death in Childhood (SUDC) who were a great support to us. They are mostly focussed on supporting parents and connecting them to other families with similar experiences.

I am a huge advocate for Winston's Wish, so I'm glad that you have got in touch with them. We are open and honest with our younger daughter. She is now 3 and talks openly about death, asking lots of questions. This can be disconcerting for some adults, but we strongly believe it is right to answer her questions honestly.

Our youger daughter had a high fever last summer, and not only did she ask if she was going to die, but the gp and I also got the fear. All we can do is say that it's really really not likely, and that doctors can fix most things.

She plays at being her older sister sometimes, and has pretended to be ill and that she is going to die. It's tough, but you will find a way through this with your girls. They have a great need to explore it and playing is the chief mechanism for that.

Sending love,
zeno

MrsDucker Wed 25-Jan-12 21:07:04

thanks zeno and i am really sorry for all of you lovely ladies losses,

j xx

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