(7 Posts)
cheekycurls Thu 05-Jan-12 12:35:20

Right, I'm cutting a very long story short......I lost my father and son within weeks of each other a few years ago and DR is sending me for counselling, I'm of the mind counselling (talking about things) can't change what's happened I'm VERY scared as I don't know what to expect...
Dr says 'it will change how I think about things' HOW?! will I forget? (I never want to forget)
this is just rambling but I'm scared and confused as to what will happen!!!

OP’s posts: |
foxycowan Thu 05-Jan-12 15:10:00

I'm so sorry, that is horrendous. I don't know much about this but 2 of my friends who have lost close family have had counselling and they say it helped. 1 has just come out the other end after 7 years. 1 did about 3 months. They seem to feel able to express how they're feeling, which helps them cope with the feeling - it doesn't make the feeling go away, but they are able to accept that what they are feeling in that moment is real and OK. I also think sometimes other people are embarrassed by death and don't know how to talk to those who are bereaved, especially after time has passed, so sometimes a counsellor can allow you to say anything you want, without feeling that the other person doesn't know how to listen. The phrases 'life goes on' and 'time with heal' are so rubbish and insulting, counselling I think can help you to live your life as it is now, rather than what you wish it was, and rather than time healing, I think counselling can help you live with your loss rather than expect it to go somewhere. You have nothing to lose by giving it a go, don't be scared, if you don't like it you can walk away.

Rindercella Thu 05-Jan-12 18:37:50

So sorry cheeky.

I have counselling from both Cruse and also my GP's counsellor following DH's death. Both have been of enormous help. Very non-judgemental. Very supportive. Lots of advice and help given in a gentle, unassuming way. Try and get hold of a book called Tear Soup. It has really helped me make some sort of sense of my emotions (and that of others) following my own loss.

cheekycurls Thu 05-Jan-12 23:01:00

so sorry for ur loss Rindercella
I will look up that book...
I think that's what I need ' to make sense of my emotions' I'm the one who's strong and bottles everything up and has 'no emotions'

just ridiculously scared of what will happen! confused

OP’s posts: |
BackforGood Thu 05-Jan-12 23:19:52

Don't be scared - give it a go and see how you get on. I never thought I'd ever go to counselling, just didn't think it would be 'me', then I lot my Mum and my sister within 3 months of each other, and I found myself really snapping at the dc, so I thought I'd give it a go. Mine was in a group, at the hospice that had looked after my Mum. It was very theraputic. I think, for me, a BIG part of it was that it enabled me to just take a couple of hours out of each week, and allow myself to go through the grieving process, rather than "coping" or "getting on with it". There was no magic wand, but it was good to give myself that time. People came and went over the year I attended (fortnightly), some only came a couple of times, some were there for a long haul, some came for 3 months or so. It was about coming to terms with what had happened. Sorry, rambling now, but, just wanted to say I was very surprised how much it helped me, and, if anyone didn't want to talk, that was OK too. I hope it helps you - so sorry for your losses.

mamakemp Wed 01-Feb-12 10:59:25

I'm so sorry for your loss, and you must be in such pain. When my dad died it took me a long time to accept it, I still miss him, and it was over twenty years ago. But you mustn't be hard on yourself, grief is different for everyone, and if you find talking isn't the way for you just at the moment, then wait until you feel able. You may find reading books helps you to move forward, as Rindercella sasy, because you can do it at your own pace, when you are ready. I haven't read Tear Soup, but the book that got me through some traumatic losses recently is Saul: Between Two Eternities. It's seen through the eyes of a new born premature baby, and although it's very sad, it's just full of hope. And you feel, if this tiny being can be so full of hope, and face the awfulness of death, then so can I. There's a passage I keep going back to, when I feel low."Because loving, this sort of big, stretching, nothing will ever get in the way sort of loving, is the best bit about being alive." I find it good to try and remember that, that loving is a good, fantastic thing, and when you love someone, their loss is terrible, because you loved them. It's because you loved your dad and son, so deeply, that you feel such pain now, but it's wonderful that you loved them, and love them still. And maybe your fear of counselling is that the sessions might take away your love (which is pain at the moment) for them. I remember feeling like that, I wanted the pain, it was like remembering them. So I really understand your fear. But I bet the counsellors know what to do, and I'm sure they can never take away your love for your father and son. That will be yours forever. And it's a wonderful wonderful thing to keep hold off. And one day, the love part will be stronger for you than the pain part. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

frendleeowl Wed 29-Feb-12 07:57:10

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Of course you are scared and confused. Everyone grieves in different ways and only time will heal you're pain. Counselling can help in that it gives you your own space for you to do with it what you need to. A good counsellor will give you space and time to talk and won't push you. During a time when you can feel over whelmed and confused, it can help you realise you're emotions, moods and feelings are a normal reaction to what you are experiencing. Counselling is not there to help you forget your loved ones. I think it helps process your grief and can help if it's for you. good luck and wish you the best

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