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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

what do you do if the guy you loved commeted suicide

26 replies

CreamolaFoamless · 30/12/2011 04:17

I can't find a way through it ...........every other man I meet I compare to him..Steven

I really dont know where to go from here?

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LuckyC · 30/12/2011 04:28

Hi Creamola - just wanted to let you know there is someone out here listening. I am sure that someone who has something more useful to say will be along here soon. Hang in there.

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CreamolaFoamless · 30/12/2011 04:32

thank you

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StickAForkInMeImDone · 30/12/2011 04:37

I haven't experienced a partner committing suicide but my parent did.
Not sure if I can help?
How long ago did it happen? I know, for me, I kept on telling (often the same people) every detail of the days before, the day it happened and the the days after. Looking back I was doing that to make it real to me and to help my brain work through it. Don't know if that makes any sense.
Do you want to talk about him? About what happened?

Sending you un-MN hugs,

xx

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CreamolaFoamless · 30/12/2011 04:39

im sitting here tonight at 4.30 and wondering why I am even bothered

In all honesty , I'd make him alive tomorrow if that was possible

but that's not possible because he is dead .

This time of year hurts ............he went out and hung himself from a tree on New Years eve

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StickAForkInMeImDone · 30/12/2011 04:42

This time of year is bad enough when you are missing a loved one let alone if an anniversary is approaching too.
In teh first few years after mum dying I used to write her letters, some would be angry, berating her for leaving me others would be desperate telling her how much I missed her. I found it cathartic. Could that help?
Had he shown any signs that something wasn't right?

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CreamolaFoamless · 30/12/2011 04:46

I got blamed ,,,,,,,,,,,someone at the funeral said 'if he'd never met Mel he'd still be alive

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StickAForkInMeImDone · 30/12/2011 04:59

Oh lovey, you know that's not true though, right?
People say all sorts of things after a sudden death, they are not thinking straight and just looking to lash out.
They shouldn't have blamed you,I imagine they were in shock too. it is not your fault.

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thefroggy · 30/12/2011 05:00

Creamola, it is NOT your fault. If someone is so determined to die then they will. A family member of mine committed suicide this year, she was loved and adored. Noone had any idea of what she was feeling. All of us feel guilty in one way or another, but we couldn't have prevented it.

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StickAForkInMeImDone · 30/12/2011 05:04

froggy

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CreamolaFoamless · 30/12/2011 05:05

@ thefroggy ....I don't not what to say , sorry doest cover it really

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CreamolaFoamless · 30/12/2011 05:07

he jumprd of a tree with a rope with rope tied around kneck and I can't move on on from that with men

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CreamolaFoamless · 30/12/2011 05:08

sorry for the typos but its hard to type when you feel emotion ,,,,,sorry

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StickAForkInMeImDone · 30/12/2011 05:11

Have you had any counselling? Do you have a good netwrok of friends or family to talk to?
Bereavement by suicide is so hard, so many unanswered questions.

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thefroggy · 30/12/2011 05:22

My family member hung herself too creamola. She had everything going for her, I was so angry, her daughter is not much older than mine. I'm still angry, and feel guilty for being angry with her. Everyone in my family blames themself..but who knows what was going through her mind?

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StickAForkInMeImDone · 30/12/2011 05:30

I think that's the key foggy. We don't know what was going through their mind.
I blamed myself for years about my mum. I was a teenager, a fairly good one, but also gave a bit of back chat and I thought so often that if only I hadn't talked back or argued then she wouldn't have done it.
But of course she would. Because it was something in her that made her make that decision and I could have been the most perfect daughter but it wouldn't have changed what was going on in her head.

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thefroggy · 30/12/2011 05:43

Yes exactly. We can all sit there and think "if only I did this, that or the other" but would it have made a difference? Possibly not. People say suicide is the cowards way out but i'm not sure I agree. If you are in a bad place you tend to think everyone will be better off without you.

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StickAForkInMeImDone · 30/12/2011 05:51

I hate the saying that suicide is the cowards way out. It's so much more complex than that. Sadly talking about suicide is still fairly taboo so the same old lines get trotted out. People react differently to if someone died after a car crash or cancer.

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CreamolaFoamless · 30/12/2011 06:03

@sickime.......yes I haved counselling.....personally it didnt help it made things worse

although I recognise that is my failing not the councillors

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CreamolaFoamless · 30/12/2011 06:05

the foggy hearing you say your angry is something I can relate too

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everlong · 30/12/2011 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chipmonkey · 30/12/2011 13:10

Creamola don't pay any heed to what that person said at the funeral. You are NOT to blame. Something similar was said to my uncle at his dsd's funeral. He was very upset by it as he had done a lot for her. My MIL tried to make me feel that my dd's death was my fault ( different circs, my dd was a small baby) but I think it's a horrible thing for anyone to say.

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CreamolaFoamless · 30/12/2011 14:06

Thank you .

And my love and thoughts are with you all

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fit2drop · 01/01/2012 15:16

Creamola , sometimes in grief people need someone to blame, especially with suicide as the person they are really angry at is not there. In time whoever said that will know how wrong it was.
I know suicide leaves a devastation that is so hard to comprehend. A friend hung himself 4 yrs ago and my niece hung herself 2 yrs ago, both only in their early 30s.
My daughter was devastated by her cousins death as they had been best friends and she had no idea that M. was going to do this. None of us did.
However our only consolation was that it was Ms choice, she knew what she was doing, she planned it and meant it and as horrible as it seems to outsiders this was her way of controlling her life. She chose her death, she chose how she would die and she chose when to die.

Whether she had the right to do that is another argument but we had to deal with her choices and accept them as her choices otherwise we were left with too many unanswered questions.

Im not putting this very well just trying to explain how we coped and how thinking this way helped my daughter cope and move forward and somehow manage to not feel she was to blame. She knew how headstrong M was and knew that once M had made her mind up there would have been no changing it. She loved my daughter enough to not let her know the extent of her plans as she knew my daughter would have done everything possible to stop her and she did not want stopping.
There is nothing we can do now other than respect her choice. We don't and NEVER will agree with it but we have to respect it. Because we loved her so.

I am not saying this was Stevens' thinking , just saying it was a devastating choice he made .
Bless you Creamola , I hope you find some measure of peace and learn to smile again xxxx

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brokensleeper · 04/01/2012 00:20

iim sorry.whoever said that to you at the funeral..they are feeling angry and pained too but they jad absolutely no right to sau such a horrid thing to you! Please try forget it.forget them!
it been 4 weeks since mine took his own life.i dare not unleash the pain inside me from all this,though i cry everyday and ask why??we have a beautiful little baby who is covered in my tears when i feed her,i see a side of her will not be made becasue her father will never be here.
I dont undertsand how it can be perceived asa choice...depression is a killer.
Its still too much for me to comprehend.i hope you will find some peace in time Cream xxx

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fit2drop · 04/01/2012 00:30

Brokensleeper I am so so sorry for your loss ,and I agree depression IS a killer.
In my (very clumsily put)post I was trying to make it clear that that thought track was the only way (rightly or wrongly) we found we could deal with what Mel did.
I am not saying that that is the thought process or the reasoning of anyone else who takes their own life. Or that it was Mels thought path , just that believing that it was is what made it easier to deal with .
I work within mental health , I am so well aware of how depression can impact on people. Maybe I feel guilty that I did not see any signs of depression in Mel. Maybe I should have. I don't know.

Again I am sorry for your loss and I hope you and others that have been affexted by suicide find peace.