its so hard without my mum

(46 Posts)
jessyd95 Sun 04-Dec-11 14:38:57

i lost my mum 4 months ago today. she died of lung cancer after already fighting breast cancer 14 years ago. 7 months we had to care for her and try to make our memories full, but a few days after christmas last year she got my bed bound. at the age of 15-16 years old i became a carer for my mum. watching her die is the hardest thing im ever going to come across in my life. in the space of 4 months a lot has changed, ive moved out and my dad has already found a new girlfriend sad this is my first christmas without her, and its going to be so hard, im scared and dont know what to do? sad i miss her so much, but praying doesnt seem enough?

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missdisorganised1 Sun 04-Dec-11 15:09:29

I didn't think it was fair to read your sad message without replying to you. This group has been wonderfully supportive to me and I'm sure they will be to you as well. Are you still at school? It sounds as if you might be if you are only just 16. Are you living on your own or with some other members of your family?

Praying never helped me but it seem to help my Grandparents.

jessyd95 Sun 04-Dec-11 15:14:09

ive just started college. and im renting a room in a house share so its a big step.

i wish there was something i can do to get her back sad

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missdisorganised1 Sun 04-Dec-11 15:21:24

What do you do for money? When my Mum and Dad were killed my aunt and uncle helped me look after the money I had inherited. Do you get a grant or anything to go to a 6th form college?

jessyd95 Sun 04-Dec-11 15:41:47

im on income support because of my age. and your lucky to have family likethem, theres no one i feel comfortable talking to in my family. i only have my boyfriend who has been with me throughout all of this but his only young to and its not fair always putting my problems on him so i tend to keep them to myslef and im starting to find its getting too hard

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Oneandnomore Mon 05-Dec-11 22:22:17

Hello jessy. Does the college offer a student support service? I don't know if you would feel comfortable speaking to a stranger, but sometimes it is easier than speaking to somebody who is close to you.

I don't know whereabouts you are, but there may be an open minds service, this is a walk in service for people with mental health issues, you can access Cruse beareavement service this way.

You are so young, and four months is no time at all since you lost your lovely mum. Be gentle with ourself, and don't expect too much.

You have done so well to have started a college course, which is a big step for anyone, more so for someone in your position.

What I can honestly say is that this immensely painful time will pass. It is over four years since I lost my mum, and I still have bad times, I think I always will, but it does get better.

Take care, and feel free to personal message me if you want to chat. xx

JesusChristBenton Mon 05-Dec-11 22:29:25

Bless you. I was 22 when i lost my Mum so older than you but i remember that raw pain and sense of injustice. To leave home as well is a huge step. You have done an awful lot of growing up at a very young age and in a very short time.

Do you have any siblings? Or are there any close friends of your Mum's who you can remember her with? It's nice to spend time with people who feel your loss with you.

Grief counselling can also help. Especially if you don't want to "burden" your boyfriend and gave no other friendly ear. Your GP should be able to refer you.

Keep strong. You sound like you are doing amazingly.

norton84 Tue 06-Dec-11 11:38:50

So sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my dad at 20 so I know a bit of what you are going through. However, I had the advantage of having a fantastic mum who always put us 1st despite grieving herself. Sadly she passed away this year.
As others have said you have done so well to have come this far. Maybe counselling might help. I haven't gone along this route but I know my siblings have benefitted from it.

jessyd95 Sun 11-Dec-11 00:33:01

ive tried counselling from many different companies or whatever you want to call them, since mum got diagnosed to the other month, just talking doesnt help me at all and i dont feel theres no one esle to turn to, i feel stuck in my loss. how will i ever know if mum is proud of me like i said id make her a few weeks before she died. and i went to see mum in the chapel of rest and every night when i close my eyes shes all i can see sad will this ever stop happening?

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Bossybritches22 Sun 11-Dec-11 00:49:38

Jessy my darling I'm sure your Mum was VERY proud of you and still is, be sure of that. It must be the hardest thing in the world to have to nurse your mum to the end like you have done.

My DD1 is the same age as you & it breaks my heart to think you are without your mum this Christmas. Biggest of hugs to you, the posters on this group will help you I'm sure, with (sadly) more experience in this area.

jessyd95 Mon 12-Dec-11 21:13:21

thank you for your support smile im just confused right now and dunno what to do or how to act

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Bossybritches22 Mon 12-Dec-11 21:32:58

There is no rule book,sweetie, you just be you & what ever you need to do to get through this.

I don't mean to upset you, but do you see your Dad at all? Please don't say if you'd rather not.

Have you any other family to turn to, an aunty or grandma?

chimchar Tue 13-Dec-11 17:06:10

hello sweatheart.

it will get better...it will never go away, but you will start to cope with it in a managable way. that may be very soon, or it may take you much longer to get to that stage.

i wanted to send you a huge hug. its shit to be without a mum. xxx

soaccidentprone Tue 13-Dec-11 17:32:38

Hi jessyd95

it must be soooo difficult for you. My dad died when I was young and I found it almost impossible to cope. It took me ages to come to terms with the loss, so go easy on yourself.

My mum died 6 years ago and I still think about her most days. I went to Cruise who were brilliant, but I suppose it depends on what the counsellor is like. It's kind of the day to day chatting I miss and being able to ask questions etc.

I dropped out of college after my dad died as I found it so difficult to cope.

So I suppose what I'm trying to say is, go easy on yourself. It will be difficult at first. 4 months is nothing really. You really need to find someone to talk too, be it a college counsellor, friend or relative etc. Your dad has found his way of coping, and you need to do what feels right for you.

My son is 16 in 2 weeks and I can't imagine him having to manage without me.

Big hugs and look after yourself. brew

wahwahwah Tue 13-Dec-11 17:48:44

Hey there. You are very young to be on through this, so I hope you have people around you who you can rely on. It will hurt like hell for the first round of anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas, then it gets easier.

Do what feels right for to just now. No, there is no 'right' way to grieve and people understand how you feel, so please don't feel that you are burdening them.

Some people find volunteering helps, but I found it hard, especially when you got some old bugger to visit who would sit there with a fag, moaning about everything and being generally foul to everyone!

The bad memories will fade, but will come back when you're at your lowest, but you will find that you will be able to remember the good times too, and in time, be able to smile.

Remember hat it wasnt your mum in the chapel, just her body. Her soul had already gone. Please don't worry that your mum isn't proud of you - as a mum, she would never want to leave you but when you get the end, you have to go. Sometimes you may feel her presence around (it can take some time though). Yes, the churchman be a comfort and priests are used to being yelled at by the bereaved.

If you need to go to the doctor, do so. Some people need pills (a sister and my brother were on ADs), but please don't drink to blur the pain.

Remember your mum, what she used to say to you, the stories she would tell and remind yourself that you we honoured to have her in your life, even if it was just too short. Think about how she would want you to live your life, and how she would be sad to see you in pieces over her.

It is not fair, it is hard and lonely and sad. Don't forget that there are lots of us on here who have been through the mill, and are on line at all hours of the day and night.

missdisorganised1 Wed 14-Dec-11 16:04:51

jessyd95 - The first Christmas will be horrid. For me a mixture of time with family and time on my own seemed to work. I guess you will feel very restless, I know I did, so lots of short things to do is an idea. I even went to the cemetery for an hour to wail and talk to them (no headstones then but I knew where they were buried). It does get better but it takes time.

jessyd95 Wed 14-Dec-11 19:51:50

thank you everyone. its getting so close to christmas now and i know im not going to be able to get on without showing it.
and yes Bossybritches22 i do speeak to my dad just find it hard because ive never gone to him with my problems and his not very good with support, also since he found himself a new girlfriend pretty much a couple of weeks after mum died my respect for him has lowered a lot and the only reason i still talk to him (when i do) is because i dnt want to lose him aswel. also i know there isnt a rule book but i feel that if im a compelete mess all the time like i want to be everyone would think im attention seeking and thats really not who i am so the only time i do show emotion is when im on my own and then it makes me feel a lot more lonley than it should sad

wahwahwah - i have been to my doctors to try and get some AD's but because of my age they have to send me on to different people to test me to see if they think i need them or not. im handling it well when it comes to drink and dr..ugs. when my mum first got diagnosed i was drinking most days and every night. i was never in and it was because i was scared and mum had a chat with me and i promised her that id stop drinking as much and i dont really go out anymore and ive never tried dr..ugs because i like to think im better than that.

one thing mum did promise was that if i kept my head down at college and got a job and done the things that i thought would make her proud, she'd come visit me before i go to sleep every night. ive tried my hardest and stuck by the promise but instead she visits me in my dreams, some good and bad but ive had a few which have tried to show me in different ways that no matter what happened mum was goin to die and there was nothing i could do to stop that.. so i still feel close to her in some ways but then it makes me miss her more in other ways.. its like im never satisfied but i dont mean to come across that way :/ xx

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Bossybritches22 Thu 15-Dec-11 08:00:04

Bless you Jessy, what a brave girl you are being, I wish I could give you a big hug right now. sad Your Mum would be proud of you.

I can get you wanting to keep a brave face but if you have good friends I'm sure they'd understand if you had a wobble on them, & even your Dad would I'm sure. I can totally get why you lost respect for him over his swift moving on, but everyone copes in different ways, men especially seem able to but it doesn't mean he didn't love your mum at one point-they had you together!

I think someone else mentioned
[[ http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/Cruse]] they will be able to chat on the phone or arrange face to face & often the counsellors are folk who have been through the same as you.
They have a teens section too here have a read.

What are you doing over Christmas? Have you someone to be with even if you don't feel like doing anything special?

jessyd95 Thu 15-Dec-11 16:41:41

ive just joined a new college and its full of poeple i dont know and because ive moved i dont really see myfriends anymore :/
and thank you i will try them, they must be good if two people has refered them now.

and im spending my christmas with my boyfriend this year as his having a tough time with his family too so his taking me out for the day which should help things a bit x

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Ponyofdoom Thu 15-Dec-11 21:18:56

Nothing to add, just wanted to wish you all the best and send my love. I lost my Mum last year to cancer. Though I am a lot older than you, it is still the worst thing in the World and I don't think there is an answer, you just have to keep going each day I guess. Hopefully you will make new friends soon, that will help a little. Sorry not much help but just wanted to reply xx

Wolfiefan Thu 15-Dec-11 21:27:29

Just wanted to add my support and say right now all the mums on here are so proud of you. You sound so grown up and mature. Look after yourself and your bf too. Do reach out for help when you need it. So brave to be going to college as well as dealing with everything else. Huge respect!

LivingDead Thu 15-Dec-11 21:44:42

Poor you jessy, I lost my Mum at 26 and I already had a Dp and 2 children, that was hard enough (Dad died 8 years earlier). There is nothing harder than watching your Mother die I think, I held her in my arms and honestly it was terrible.

Ever since I have felt adrift in a way, I imagine it is so hard for you, being so young. Don't be afraid to grieve, I am still grieving and shell shocked and it was 4 years ago. It will alter you and your outlook on life forever, it's a fundamental thing losing your Mother, if you are anything like me you will feel totally alone. It's tough realising that at the end of the day you only have yourself to rely on. Get whatever help you can and confide in your boyfriend, it does you no good to keep things bottled up.

Good Luck.

Bossybritches22 Thu 15-Dec-11 22:14:20

Ok , good so sounds like you & your BF can have some time just relaxing together, lots of cuddles & allow yourself time to have a wobbly moment if you need to. I'm glad you have him & it sounds like he could be needing your support too,so lots of talking if it would help you both, or just the comfort of another person near who is glad to sit & just BE with you.

I'm sure you'll make new friends a college, give it a bit of time, you obviously aren't feeling up to socialising at the moment but you'll find new friends when you are ready.

Does the college have a pastoral care tutor/co-ordinator? She/he might be able to help point you in the direction of any extra support they might be able to provide.

Keep posting here there are lots of us around usually at all times of night as folk on MN come from all over the world so there's usually someone up for a brew & a chat. xxx

jessyd95 Thu 15-Dec-11 23:29:21

everyone has been such a help thanks, and even the people who just wanted to write to let me know you care, it means a lot. one thing ive always been scared of is being allone and god have i felt it these last few months but this website has really heeped, thanks again everyone!
my bf is lovely and supports me more than anyone just sometimes i get upset or stressed and throw it bak in his face without realising, i dont wanna mess things up with him because then i would really be alone. is there anyway i can stop myself taking things out on him? :/ x

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Bossybritches22 Fri 16-Dec-11 08:06:45

Jessy, I'm sure he understands. Just be honest with him, & have a good talk about how mixed up you're feeling,emotionally, explain that if you lash out it's just because you are having a bad day & although you are trying not to it's hard.

Maybe if you are having a crap day/hour/moment you could just say "look I'm horrible today sorry in advance!" so he's warned & he can make allowances?

Also maybe you need to just be alone at particularly black times, go for a long walk on your own, have a good blub ( sod what people think!!) & then come back to him for a cuddle & talk about it with him. Is he open to talking about things with you?

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