My mum died almost 11 years ago. To be precise, she was killed in a car accident. I have been through all the expected stages of grieving, but very recently, something new has cropped up.
I suddenly have this idea that maybe, although she loved me, mum might not have liked me very much.
I was a difficult and selfish teenager and a constant worry to my parents as I drifted from one failed college course to another. I had to a large extent sorted myself out before she died (when I was 26). I had just finished my degree and had been discussing possible next steps with my mum just a couple of weeks before her accident. I know she was proud of what I'd achieved by that point but I just wonder if she thought I was a good and nice person. I don't think I am. And I'm very ashamed of the way I treated her sometimes.
We weren't very very close - we never had that 'best friend's' thing you hear people talking about, and makes me feel insanely envious - but she was very motherly and kind and was always there for me when I needed her.
I wish I'd been kinder and closer to her. I wish she knew how much I loved and admired and appreciated her.
Now tell me to pull myself together.
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Bereavement
Help pull me out of my self pity please
6 replies
bushymcbush · 03/11/2011 10:32
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