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new baby after bereavement, what to say/not say.

(3 Posts)
holyShmoley Mon 24-Oct-11 18:12:08

my friend has had a new baby following the loss of her first child as a toddler. (in a new relationship). I don't want to stick my foot in it, but what sort emotions might she be feeling. Obviously joy but will it help her grieving or be separate to it.
I really don't want to upset anyone reading but don't want to be massively insensitive to her either.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie Mon 24-Oct-11 18:22:06

You will be fine because you are thinking about it. Its the people that dont who are more likely to say something upsetting.

I think it is unlikely you will but just incase - dont say:
'Its lovely now you have your new baby - you can start all over again'.
'This will help you to move on'.
'Be careful you dont bring him/her up in the shadow of her brother/sister' (like we need to be told that!)
'Awww what a shame its not a girl/boy - are you upset'?

Dont act like everything is ok now she has a new baby. It isnt. There is no replacing a child (I am sure you know this but you would be suprised). People are also known to accuse bereaved parents of doing this.

In my opinon it is fine to say
Isnt s/he beautiful, s/he looks so much like her/his big sister/brother (if the baby does)
It IS joyful having a new baby. I have had two since I lost my DD. Like everything else for evermore it is bittersweet but that utter wonder of having a close to happiness as I am ever likely to get.

It may trigger some difficult feelings but dont assume your friend will be plunged into dispair. Be aware that she will now be asked on a nearly daily basis 'so is this your first?' and 'how many do you have?' and things like 'now all the trouble starts!' are no longer just things that people say. They can be like barbs.

I am sure you will be ok. Be happy for your friend and follow her lead x

holyShmoley Tue 25-Oct-11 13:05:35

thank you so much. She has had some appalling things said to her, including 'Yes, I know it's hard but you'll just have to get on with it' on the day of the funeral by my MIL some fool.

I'm so sorry that you lost your daughter, i've seen you writw about her on various threads and she sounds amazing (and like she takes after her mum)

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