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I just have to write this down.

(62 Posts)
fluffythevampirestabber Sat 15-Oct-11 21:05:01

I'm sorry this is just going to be rubbish spewed out of my mind.

DD1 is having her birthday party today. She'll be 13 in a few days.

She's having a lovely day with her friends (I did shopping/sleepover last night/more sleepover tonight/they're in the kitchen baking).

but her twin died and I had to walk away because Ijust couldn't see past that there should be two of them in there making cookies and laughing

13 years and it hurts tonight.

Sorry

rambiling igonre me please.

can't see for crying

gobbolinothewitchscatinboots Sat 15-Oct-11 21:06:52

couldn't read and not post. Big hugs to you and your two darling DDs. So sad for you xxx

thisisyesterday Sat 15-Oct-11 21:07:42

<hugs> days like today must be incredibly hard for you.
when did her twin die?

Sossiges Sat 15-Oct-11 21:07:45

I'm sorry for your loss fluffy sad just carry on rambling, we're listening [hugs]

hellhasnofury Sat 15-Oct-11 21:08:15

It's not rubbish. It is an unbelievable pain yet a joy all at the same time. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now but I'd like to send you a sneaky hug.

DawnOfTheDeementedDead Sat 15-Oct-11 21:08:49

Fluffy, i'm so sorry, my lovely.

Please talk about your DD's twin as much as you need to - we're here to listen.

Would it help to tell us what happened?

YougreatPumpkinmousse Sat 15-Oct-11 21:09:12

Big hug Fluffy.

Not many people know my DD1 was a twin, we lost her sister at 14w, I never met her but she will always be my baby.

fluffythevampirestabber Sat 15-Oct-11 21:09:13

She died before they were born.

I knew she was going to be born dead.

Delivered DD1 then Robyn.

Iknow I'm being pathetic sitting here blubbing and snifflnig its daft I should be well over it by now.

thanks folks.

prioneyes Sat 15-Oct-11 21:09:48

Oh fluffy sad have a big hug.

fluffythevampirestabber Sat 15-Oct-11 21:11:09

They're always a part of the family I think I know she is, and the other 2 I neverknew that never got a chance.

But today right now I just want her here

YougreatPumpkinmousse Sat 15-Oct-11 21:11:21

Why should you be over it? You are allowed to miss her forever!

Does DD1 know about her twin?

Lilyloo Sat 15-Oct-11 21:11:51

Am sure you never get 'over it' Fluffy , thinking of Robyn

sausagerolemodel Sat 15-Oct-11 21:11:53

so so sorry for your loss. Massive hugs and supportive vibes from afar. xxxx

BleedyGhoulzombiez Sat 15-Oct-11 21:12:02

sad

Fluffy, don't be so hard on yourself. Grief has no time limit. It's over 10 years since my lovely mother died, and for some reason yesterday I missed her like crazy.

Huge hug to you.

thisisyesterday Sat 15-Oct-11 21:12:28

oh i'm so sorry fluffy sad

you aren't being pathetic at all

fluffythevampirestabber Sat 15-Oct-11 21:13:01

yeah she knows. She knows she has a name and stuff.

Oh I dunno it's just worse tonight than it has been for years. Dunno why.

sausagerolemodel Sat 15-Oct-11 21:14:04

Sorry x-posted and didn't see Robyn's name. Its a beautiful name. x

fluffythevampirestabber Sat 15-Oct-11 21:14:40

Sorry that made no sense.

she knows I light candles for robyn, she knows robyn was her twin and stuff it's not a secret but just today I want her here. I want her in my kitchen making oatmeal cookies and making a mess and laughing with the rest of them

DawnOfTheDeementedDead Sat 15-Oct-11 21:16:15

Sweetheart, you don't ever need to be over it.

Til the day you die, you will always be Mammy to two beautiful girls. No one can ever change that or take it away. When you're an ould lady of 103, you will still be their Mammy.

The loss of a twin is such a double edged sword. You are expected to be delighted because of the surviving one, and of course you are, but theres a sadness, an aching that will never ever go because their sibling should be beside them, blowing the candles out.

It doesn't get easier - you just learn better coping mechanisms, you learn to live with it better.

YougreatPumpkinmousse Sat 15-Oct-11 21:17:19

Possibly because DD1 is suddenly growing up and becoming more independent, 13 is a big milestone, you are watching her becoming a young woman and thinking about how she should have a sister to share all the things she is going through.

or simply because some days are just like that and you miss them more because you have more time to think about them.

TheOriginalFAB Sat 15-Oct-11 21:19:54

I know exactly what you are feeling as my son had a twin that died and sometimes I just wonder what it would have been like to have 2 of ds2 as he is the funniest, most loving, cutest baby boy to ever walk this earth. It is so hard sad.

Thinking of you.

mumblecrumble Sat 15-Oct-11 21:20:41

The pain won't go away but hopefully you can feel justified in your loss. It is possible to find so much joy in your DD and at the same time feel the lack of this joy with your other daughter.

Couldn't reasd without sending hugs

fluffythevampirestabber Sat 15-Oct-11 21:20:50

Thanks guys.

Dee - that's it - tis such a double edged sword, I mean I have the DS's and DD2 (who's 9) but really she's DD3 iyswim?

Sometimes it just hits me more.

I think today is just one of those days. And it's not that the kids have been bad or anything - the opposite, they've been giggly and fun and lovely.

Bluetinkerbell Sat 15-Oct-11 21:21:25

Hugs for you! X

Sossiges Sat 15-Oct-11 21:23:12

I'm sure she is in the kitchen making oatmeal cookies in spirit X

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