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Is there a 'right' time of grieving for a stay-at-home parent?

(9 Posts)
marykat2004 Thu 06-Oct-11 21:08:14

When you are working and lose a parent, 2 weeks seems to be an average time off (at least that's what I got when I was working, no questions asked, and no holiday time deducted). But for someone who doesn't work, how much 'time off' should they get?

DH lost his father 2 weeks ago. His last living parent. The funeral was last week, and this week DH has been away visiting a friend.

When he comes home, I don't know how I am meant to behave. When he lost his mum, we didn't have a child yet. I am meant to start looking for work soon (have been redundant for too long already), but I don't know when I can reasonably expect DH to be up to any childcare. I guess I should just give him space for as long as he needs it?

marykat2004 Thu 06-Oct-11 21:09:33

I don't mean to sound selfish. Just really wonder what to do. I should also find work because if DH gets any money at all from his father, who worked hard his whole life, that money will be swallowed up if we are on benefits. DH himself has a heart condition and is unable to work, so if someone gets a job it has to be me.

TheFidgetySheep Thu 06-Oct-11 21:14:01

Start looking and applying now. By the time you are going for interviews etc, he can assess his health and state of mind and build up gradually. Obviously people grieve for a long time, the first year can be very grim, but you carry on caring for the family you have.

I was a sahm when I lost my parents. I was back to the school run etc within a few days. Sometimes I cried while doing it, but that is ok. Dc need to see it Is ok to be sad and it it part of grieving.

Hope things start to look up for you.

thesurgeonsmate Thu 06-Oct-11 21:20:37

I'm not too sure that I can really appreciate the way you are thinking about this, it doesn't seem like a time off issue to me. (I also think that two weeks wouldn't be proffered in all industries.) For what it's worth I'd suggest that it would be entirely appropriate for you to look for a job right now, if that's the way things are meant to be going.

tower84 Mon 17-Oct-11 16:41:18

When I lost my mum as a SAHP it was business as usual as soon as I returned from the hospital. Died early hours Friday morning. Doing school run Monday. It was tough. I used drop them off and walk home crying my eyes out.
I did however take some time off from my very part time self employment.

FaffTastic Wed 19-Oct-11 22:08:11

My Company offers 3 days off for loss of a parent or 5 days at Managers discretion. 5 days is usually the norm.

In your situation I would do what is right for you as a couple and discuss it together. It's not a 'business' scenario so don't treat it as such.

chipmonkey Sat 22-Oct-11 01:39:21

I lost my baby dd 18 days ago. I was back doing the school run after 2 weeks ( My own Mum stepped in in the meantime) but have to say it was very, very hard particularly as I cried every time someone sympathised. When my Dad died, it was easier although he had died unexpectedly and I think I was doing the school run and my job after 1 week.

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern Sat 22-Oct-11 01:49:34

I agree with the others - you can't look at this like 'a job' he's a parent, you just have to get on with being a parent no matter what really don't you...

You need to start looking for a job asap, it's crap out there and could take ages, you can't wait around until he feels like taking the reins back because given the option most of us would choose not to do that and to just wallow in our misery <myself very much included!!> and you are right, you don't want to 'waste' any money you get from his Dad, you want to be able to use it wisely.

<Chipmonkey - you are doing so well my lovely, so well x>

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern Sat 22-Oct-11 01:50:32

FAFF - that's just bloody inhumane. 3 days, 5 at Managers discretion sad

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