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How do I mark the first anniversary?

(11 Posts)
KarenHL Wed 05-Oct-11 20:54:36

Christmas Eve will be the first anniversary of Allan's death. Not sure how to mark his first birthday in Heaven - or whether to mark it at all. Not to, makes me feel a bit as if we're forgetting him. DH thinks it's weird to.

It's not like we can have friends over as most are busy with family. It's not like we'll want to celebrate - I want to be celebrating his first birthday with him here, not his death (also we see that more as a beginning than as end, being Christians). It's not like we can remember his long and wonderful life - he only lived for half an hour.

It's been a bit of a crap year, with his birth & death - then I miscarried in August. Only just starting to get my head round that a bit. Family not making things any easier (other issues).

Do any of you mark the anniversary(ies) and how? Or do you choose not to? Not sure what to do. I do know I don't want to spend the whole bloody day doing nothing but travel to family (which is how Christmas Eves (also my birthday) are usually spent here), I s'pose I just want to sit and remember my little boy and the things I would like to do with him and for him.

Harecare Wed 05-Oct-11 21:06:44

I think you ought to do something to mark the day he was born. Could you visit his grave? Make that a stop on your family travels that day?
I grew up believing in heaven, but assumed it was somewhere you never grew older, just stayed as you were the day you died. Perhaps that is why DH finds it weird to mark his 1st birthday rather than the first anniversary of his death?
I'm very sorry for your loss. You must be heartbroken. Do what you think you need to and ask your DH to be supportive even if he thinks it's weird.

KarenHL Wed 05-Oct-11 21:14:24

Tx Harecare,

There is no grave - his ashes are in a little box in our bedroom. I hope to scatter them sometime, possibly in Scotland (there's a place we like to visit & we rested there when I was pg with him).
I don't think DH is trying to be unfeeling, he just pushes DS to the back of his mind and gets on with life. His work is v.demanding.
Not sure what I need to do - it's just with him not here, I've had a year of not doing any of things you'd do with a baby. It's like the world had moved on, even Allan has moved on - and I'm just left in the same place, with empty arms.

Harecare Wed 05-Oct-11 21:27:00

I guess that's his way of coping. I know my brother and his wife visit their son's grave at special occasions. He was alive about the same length of time. They luckily have other children now which I am sure must help. Do you have anyone close you can talk to about your feelings? How about your vicar? Are there support groups for Mum's like you? Maybe someone will come on here who can help more. I am completely unqualified!!

Can you get busy yourself? Maybe some voluntary work related to infant death or try to raise some money for a related charity? That way you aren't forgetting, but you're trying to do something positive about it?
The world has moved on. Allan has moved on. Maybe it's time you allowed yourself to move on too?
Take care of yourself. x

AngelGeorgie Sun 09-Oct-11 23:35:40

Karen hi. Feel for you. Our DD was stillborn a year ago tomorrow.we are visiting our " special" place to lay some flowers for her then going out fir lunch. Like you our daughter was cremated but we have both taken the day off work to commerate Georgie's birthday. I feel very strongly her birthday needs acknowledging.
Much love to you xxxx

opalmum Mon 10-Oct-11 00:21:14

Hi Karen, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are still coming to terms with it, and also your miscarriage, which must still feel very raw. I miscarried my son, Thomas, at 20 weeks, it was awful, so I can't imagine how you must feel. It was a similar time of year, the day after Boxing Day, so it's a really hard time of year, I know. Ive been thinking about it a lot today, with MN Miscarriage Code of Care Campaign going on. Around Christmas, When you have family commitments, but you just want time to remember your loss and cry, but also enjoy the time you have with the family you have too, but maybe also feel guilty about enjoying yourself too, well that's how I feel about it in a rambling way. Anyways, we scattered Thomas' ashes in a river that was a special place when I was pregnant. Its nice to know i can go back and talk to him there anytime i feel like it. It might help you to plan a little ceremony to scatter Allan's ashes? You might feel less unsettled after you do this. We released a helium balloon with his name and birthdate on, and put flowers in the river. I might release another balloon there again this year to mark the anniversary. I also considered doing the same with those Chinese latern things which you light. I'm never sure which anniversary to mark - the date he was due, or the date he died, or the date he was delivered. The most confusing part is that the anniversary of the date he was due was the date i found out I was preg again. And the date he died is now my DS2 s birthday. Which I suppose is a nice dilemma to have in a way. So those dates are sad but also happy dates for me too. I guess what I'm trying to say is, remember Allan in a way which YOU feel is right, and that there is hope , and eventually you will move on, but you will always remember Allan in your heart, sometimes at the most unexpected time and in wonderful and surprising ways. I hope my ramblings have helped in some way. Be kind to yourself x

opalmum Mon 10-Oct-11 00:34:41

Hi Angel Georgie, so sorry for your loss, I shall be thinking of your little girl, and will say a little prayer for her. X

AngelGeorgie Mon 10-Oct-11 09:04:41

Thanks * opalmum* xx

thinNigella Mon 10-Oct-11 09:37:38

Hi Karen,

So sorry for your loss. The loss of a child never goes away. I wonder if a website called may be of help.

Also - and forgive me if you feel this is inappropriate - I have come across companies who can take ashes and turn them into glass objects - jewellry or something you can carry with you always. I wonder if a 12 months anniversay (or a 5 yr or a 10yr) might be marked in that way.

AngelGeorgie Mon 10-Oct-11 10:46:43

Hi all. We have had some of Georgie's ashes made in to a stunning paperweight. It is truely beautiful & tasteful. Only the people who I ve told know it's Georgie to anyone you don t want to tell it just looks like an ordinary paperweight. ( Ashes in to glass) I think the company were called. I found them online they are based in Essex. We went down there fir the weekend to watch the process but you don t have to. They were very professional. My friend at work had a ring made of his dad's ashes.
Take care all xxx

opalmum Mon 10-Oct-11 12:01:12

Thin Nigella, that website looks worth a look, looks like some very practical advice there. Something else I just thought of was that a very kind friend gave us a small packet of forget me not seeds, which we planted the following year. It was such a thoughtful thing.

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