I lost my darling dad about 3 months ago. The lead up to his death was very intense and he spent about 2 months in hospital. due to my mum not being able to cope , I ended up dad's sole carer in hospital - liaising with the doctors and there every day feeding him and hleping him drink, washing him etc. I mention this as it may help in analysing my strange feelings.
I spent on average 8 hours per day in the hospital as well as continuing to run my own business and be a mum to my own 6 children including 6 bmonth old baby who didnt ( an dstill doesn't ) sleep at night.
When dad died I spent the first week asleep most o fhte day. It was as if my body had finally given into thte need for rest.
I cried a lot the first week and then slipped into a contemplative sadness. But that is not what I am posting about.
From the day Dad was buried I thought what a peaceful place hte cemetry was. It is in beautiflly planted woodland with ponds and lots of benches under open skies and with wildlife around ( I saw a rabbit there last week). I actually enjoyed the subsequent visits spending time at Dad's grave and just sitting. The visits always exhausted me though even if I didn't cry just spent time there.
But my strange feelings are that I see everything differently now. Its as if I have seen too much. I've seen how the end of our lives could and probaly will be in many cases. Dependant on hospital staff and families - wtih our diginity stripped away and unable to make ourselves understood. My dad shed his possessions one by one as if preparing for death. First he took off his watch and asked mum to look after it as the area undreneath the watch face felt sore. Then he took off his glasses saying they hurt his nose ( he lost tons of weight so they probaly felt v heavy). The he took off his rings and gave them to me saying it was one less thing to worry about.
I saw how he had nothing in the end bu tme and my mum and our lvoe. Nothing else mattered - not work, politics ( he was a political animal), football ( a life long season ticket holder and footy additct). It waas scarey to see life stripped and reduced down to its bare elements as it would have been when he was a baby.
I see eveyrhting from the point of view of the end now. Preparing for hte end - counting down my years - I'm 43 so thinking well I've probably got about 30 years left - 10 good ones then start to go downhill. I see eveyrthing backeards - with my baby who's now 9 months I marvel at how her body is gearing ujp for life . My dad's body the doctors told me was dying so reducing need for drink and food whereas her body is preparing to live life so she is increasing her need for food and drnk. Whereas dad found it hard to breathe she breathes quickly an deasily.
I see everything from the point of view of death and dying. Is this normal? My dh aquoted me from a famous passage in our religion " there is a time for living and a time for dying" - comes from the famous passage that continujes " a time for war and a time for peace" etc. Perhaps some pople kjnow it? He says that just as therte is a time for dying that time is not now and I must try and focus on my time for living.
But I am so caught up with death and only wanting to sit in the cemetry in the peace. Is this nornal?
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Has anyone lost a parent recently and is experiencing what I am ? Strange and skewed perspective and just need reassurance that it is normal really.
8 replies
lisalisa · 18/09/2011 21:58
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rubyrubyruby ·
19/09/2011 08:53
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rubyrubyruby ·
19/09/2011 11:54
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