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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My friend just died today, I want to send a good bye text to her phone.... Crazy?

44 replies

Flum · 11/09/2011 00:05

that's it really, would it be horrid for husbands or kids h
Who will no doubt read it? Just want to say bubye and feels like the way. Is it wrong. Would just say miss you and bye bye that's all

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ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 11/09/2011 00:08

I wouldn't, just because her family may read it and be upset. I'm sorry for your loss.

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Vagazzled · 11/09/2011 00:09

How about writing a letter and tying it to a balloon? Then you can say everything you would like to without worrying about causing upset with her family, you can also use the time as your very own personal Goodbye. Really sorry to hear about your friend xx

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kerrymumbles · 11/09/2011 00:10

This reply has been deleted

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Flum · 11/09/2011 00:16

Mmmm that's why I haven,t. Indent suppose itbwill make them more upset than they are already but would make me feel better. probably wouldn't actually.

h
Her poor little kids, they had such a great Mum

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kerrymumbles · 11/09/2011 00:20

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LadyDamerel · 11/09/2011 00:21

I'm sorry for your loss. It must be very hard.

My own personal feeling is that if you are going to send something that her dh/dc will read then send it to them. If you just want it to be personal, between you and your friend, then Vagazzled's note and balloon idea is best.

I lost my Grandpa a few weeks back and a very good friend of his wrote him a beautiful note, saying her goodbyes to him. She gave it to us as a family and it was the loveliest thing anyone did. It still makes me well up (in a good way) because it was so heartfelt and genuine. The other sad/happy things were the cards where people had written memories of him and what he had meant to them in their lives. It was amazing to read and realise what he did for different people and how much he had meant to them. I know we treasure those far more than the plain 'sorry for your loss, love xx' cards because they include a piece of him, iyswim.

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ChippingIn · 11/09/2011 00:23

I guess it depends doesn't it and as I don't know them it's hard to say.

I would have thought it was lovely and it wouldn't have upset me - well it would have, but in a 'Oh fuck I miss her & so does Flum' way not a 'that's not on' way if you know what I mean. I really don't think another text on the phone is going to be the thing that upsets her family right now :(

Big hugs - it's very, very hard to lose a friend
x

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edam · 11/09/2011 00:26

Very sorry to hear that.

Don't want to add to your woes, but please don't release a balloon. They do very serious damage. They usually end up in the sea, and are eaten by turtles who mistake them for jellyfish. Might not sound terribly relevant right now when you are in shock and desperately sad, of course, but balloon releases really are bad news for wildlife and the environment.

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kerrymumbles · 11/09/2011 00:30

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carpwidow · 11/09/2011 00:31

My cousin died 2 years ago and I just cannot delete her from my contacts. Don't send a message to her phone though - will be too much for her family when alert tone goes off. I am so sorry for your loss.

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Flum · 11/09/2011 00:33

Am not sending a balloon? Just wee text? Oh god xxxxx bye bye! I miss you, love flum?

Have got a bee in my Bonnet about it? Would also send a card withnmy favourite xxxxx quotes as she wasone of he funniest ladies I have mate a real diamond of a girl

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kerrymumbles · 11/09/2011 00:36

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CaptainNancy · 11/09/2011 00:36

I'm so very sorry for you and her family.

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Flum · 11/09/2011 00:39

Would it be upsetting? Have you lost a spouse or a mother? Would you find it upsetting?

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WhatSheSaid · 11/09/2011 00:39

No, please just send the card and write down some lovely things you remember about her. It will mean a lot to her dh and dcs (if not now, then in the future). Text could upset them and that's not what they need.

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WhatSheSaid · 11/09/2011 00:40

In answer to your question, yes, I've lost both my parents and I would have found it upsetting.

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Iactuallylikeabigmac · 11/09/2011 12:17

Just trying to think how I would have reacted if my late ds would have got a text after he had died...

I think it would have made me cry and wobbly, but I don't know whether I would have been cross with the sender. I just don't know. But what I do know is that the first few weeks and months are very very hard and anything that might upset your friends family unnecessarily should be avoided.

It's about them first and foremost, but I feel for you.

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edam · 11/09/2011 12:22

I think I would have found it very disturbing if someone had texted any of the people I have loved after their deaths. Contact the living and share their grief. Pass on your memories of their daughter or sister - that helps.

I do recognise the inability to delete dead people from your phone though - I have a couple of numbers in mine that I just can't get rid of. And I couldn't cross my Gran out from my address book - stopped using that book as it was just too painful to see her details in there.

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carpwidow · 11/09/2011 14:18

Iactuallylikeabigmac Thoughts with you - cannot get even close to imagining how it feels to lose a child.

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magicOC · 11/09/2011 18:27

Pls pls pls don't send a message to her phone. She is not there, she will not receive the text, her family members will. As sad as you feel and however much you want to say your bit, her grieving family left behind really matter right now.

Was she on FB?

When our really good friend died suddenly we left messages on her FB page saying what we wanted to say. It could be read by those who wished to read it. Her family were made aware of our messages and could chose to go and read them if they wished. They were forewarned about it. If you send the text, they will have no warning.

I've had experience both sides. I called my sister using my dads house phone, she freaked out when she looked at her phone and saw "dad house" on the screen. She immediately changed the caller id to the name of the street the house was in.

Sorry for your loss.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 11/09/2011 23:45

dont do it

my darling hubby died nearly 5mths ago and a friend (and i use that term loosely) who was a bit of a pisshead sent one to dh phone after he knew he was dead and tbh it totally freaked me out

said something along the lines of take care and see you one day

one of my friends who was with me was going to (jokingly) send one back saying thanks for message - but obv didnt

point is, is that it upset me big time because whats the point of the 'friend' sending it, dh wasnt going to read it and the 'friend' obv knew i had his phone as was warding off calls from clients/customers as dh had his own business

and yes i still have dh no in my mobile phone and under ice and just cant delete him from phone

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WorzselMummage · 11/09/2011 23:50

Sorry to hear about your friend :(

A good friend of mine died suddenly at the beginning of august and we set a memorial page on Facebook for people to write on and load of people did so it's obviously quite a common thing to want to do.

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StrikeUpTheBand · 12/09/2011 00:00

I understand you feeling the need to text your friend, but if the family might get it and be upset maybe not the best idea. I do think the card idea or a letter (as someone else suggested) and either keep or give to the family would be lovely though.
I still have my dad's mobile no saved as that on my phone - it has been nearly 4 years now since he died. I can't delete him. Also, my mum had his voice on the answerphone and couldn't delete it - that did upset me one day though when it came on as I called and she didn't get to the phone on time. I have sent him "Happy New Year texts in the past and was rather taken aback to find his number had now been reused and I got a reply from a nice person who wished me a happy new year back.

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lilyliz · 12/09/2011 17:38

my DH died nearly 2 yrs ago and I cant delete him from my mob,I feel I would be deleting him from my life,but please don't send a message as the family would see it and it is upsetting as my nieces sent them to DH and I read them and wish I hadn't.

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lookout · 13/09/2011 21:43

I have to go against the grain and say it wouldn't have upset my family. My youngest brother was killed three years ago in a RTC and we did receive a couple of texts on his phone way after the court case was over and done with, and it was actually heart-warming to know people were thinking of him and still wanted to send him messages. But as someone up-thread said, without knowing the family it's difficult for any of us to make a judgement call. If you're not sure, it's best to avoid I guess, and send a card to them. They will definitely appreciate that.