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3 yrs since my dad died and still feel like my world has caved in.....

(14 Posts)
Friendlymum67 Tue 23-Aug-11 23:11:27

I know I'm not alone in losing a parent ... but since losing my dad suddenly even tho I knew his lung condition was terminal, just feel completely adrift and lost. My dad was my rock, he held me together when my ex DH walked out on me and children, we spoke every day - 3 or 4 times a day. Trying to cope without him even now just feels like wading thro mud. Met my current partner 6 months after my DD died but even that hasn't filled the horrendous void I constantly feel ...... sad
Don't know why I've posted this. The realist in me knows there's nothing anyone can say, but I just fill so .....empty & lost all the time, inwardly crushed with the grief, just want him back.

Red2011 Tue 23-Aug-11 23:32:42

It's never easy, Friendlymum. I lost my mum 11 years ago. We were close (even though we didn't live close), and I do still have my Dad but his health is failing now. sad

I would suggest you speak to your GP and see if you can get some counselling. I waited about 5 years after mum passed to get some and it did help. Although there are still days when I miss her horribly - especially as since she's gone she has 'gained' two grandchildren and a son-in-law, I can also look back on the happy times, and try to do things that I know she would have loved.

If you have a faith or religious belief then perhaps speak to people in your church/synagogue/mosque/house of prayer (not up on the correct terms for all these, forgive me) and see if they can help support you.

Hugs. x

Friendlymum67 Tue 23-Aug-11 23:44:15

Thank you Red2011, reading your message in tears. Just want to hear his voice and his words of wisdom. Have tried counselling but it didn't really help. Been reading other posts in the bereavement section and so many of them are truly heart breaking ...... I need to get some perspective.

Thank you again - really appreciate your kind comments.

ttalloo Tue 23-Aug-11 23:55:52

Hi friendlymum. I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound so unhappy, and I hope that this thread will help you.

Your post really resonated with me - my dad died 17 years tomorrow, and I spent the first five years after his death in a fog of grief. I blamed myself for not being there when he died (I was on holiday), for not standing up to his consultant, for not finding out more about his condition. I missed him terribly and couldn't get on with my life at all. Looking back, I must have been extremely depressed at that time, and it wasn't till I got myself some counselling that I felt the fog begin to lift.

I wish I had gone for counselling in the first year, rather than in the fifth - I was too proud to admit that I wasn't coping, and in a masochistic way felt that I deserved to feel this dreadful as a punishment for the things I blamed myself for. Counselling helped me find a way to forgive myself for not being there, and to understand that his death should not mean the end of my right to a good and happy life.

Please try to get yourself some help. It's not an admission of failure to do that, and if three years on your grief is still consuming you to the extent that you describe, that you have to do something in order to be able to create a different life for yourself, where your dad is still gone, but you are able to be happy again.

I still miss my dad after 17 years, especially now that I have two boys, who he hasn't seen, and would have been so proud of. But I have a good and happy life now, and that is what my dad would have wanted. And it's what your loving, supportive, wonderful dad would have wanted for you.


Red2011 Wed 24-Aug-11 17:01:53

Good advice there from ttalloo.

Counselling can help, but you need to find the right person; or join a group. Seeking professional help is no failure, it's a sign of strength.

You need to find the happy bits of every day. Your dad wouldn't want you to be so distressed (sorry, that doesn't sound how I mean it - I mean, of course you miss him, and you are not negating his rich life, but you're not in the 'right place') - he would want you to be getting on with things.

Don't worry about putting things into perspective - you've had a lot of stress and things have become difficult. Understanding that you can't just snap out of it but need to work through your feelings is the first step.

Keep posting, and we'll do our best to keep you afloat.

ttalloo Wed 24-Aug-11 17:16:29

I agree with red that you need to find the right counsellor; it might take a few misses before you find someone that you click with. And I echo the message of support. You don't have to feel alone. Any time you need to chat, I'm here too.

Today has been more difficult than I expected - I've been thinking about my dad since I woke up, with it being the anniversary of his death today, and I lost my temper with the DC when they were under my feet while I was trying to prepare lunch, and screamed at them and then burst into hysterical tears. The boys brought me tissues, gave me hugs and kisses, fetched me a teething powder smile, all of which made me cry even more, and it was only after a well timed phone call from my sister that I calmed down.

Even after 17 years I can still cry for my dad as if he has only just died, but awful though it was, it was just a storm of grief. It passed, and today has been good after all. I hope that with time you can get to this place too.

Friendlymum67 Fri 26-Aug-11 00:13:31

Thank you Red2011 and Ttallo, so much, for your wonderful, supportive messages.

I have just started counselling but with a general counsellor, rather than a bereavement counsellor. I'm not sure that it will help much but will try to persevere.

Some days are easier than others, but I think it's still the sheer enormity of the accepting the fact that I will never get to hear his voice again sad and that coupled with a messy divorce, simply overwhelms me ......

Like you Ttalloo, I wasn't able to say goodbye and whilst that wasn't entirely down to me, it brought a whole host of issues with my mum because she wasn't there either - something I still find hard to deal with.

Humourme Fri 26-Aug-11 00:56:44

Poor you Friendlymumsad

It's okay to grieve thoughsmile

It's three years in October since my mother died very suddenly. My father died a slow death from cancer back in 1999. Of course I still miss them - they were both very special people. But as time has gone by I remember them more with joy than sadness. When I think about them now it's to remember the love and laughter - all the good things that happened. I smile now, even laugh when I think about them and some of their wonderful character traits. Of course there's the odd time a tear trickles down but generally speaking I've learnt to live with my losses. People heal at different rates and it sounds like you've had a lot going on in your life which has caused extra anxiety - but as time goes on there will be longer gaps between the tears, you will feel better. You know, I think there's a lot of truth in that old cliché "time heals all wounds" - and that doesn't mean you have to forget.

It will get better Friendlymum. It will.

Take care nowsmile

ttalloo Fri 26-Aug-11 15:26:04

friendlymum, grief is hard enough to cope with when everything else is otherwise fine in your life. But if you are going through a messy divorce, which on its own would be painful and difficult, then to lose your father on top of that is simply horrendous.

In the year that my father died my boyfriend of four years dumped me (five months before, but I was only just getting over it when my father died, and his death undid all of my progress) and I was in a stinker of a job where I was being bullied. I felt as if there was nothing good in my life, and my father's death was the final straw.

So perhaps it's not surprising that you are having such a hard time now. You end up trapped in a vicious cycle whereby you can't come to terms with your father's death until everything else in your life is better, but nothing else can get better until you come to terms with his death.

I don't think it matters whether you see a specialist bereavement counsellor or a general one - what's important is that you feel you are getting somewhere with them, and that they are listening to you properly.

You can always unburden yourself here - no one will judge you, and you will always get sympathy and support.

whitecloud Mon 29-Aug-11 16:50:43

Friendlymum - really agree with ttalloo - if you have multiple problems, dealing with bereavement is a lot tougher. I lost both parents within a year of each other, had problems at work and a dd just starting to be a teenager. It was not easy and after three years am just starting to come to terms with it all. Bereavement of someone close is so difficult and it takes a lot longer to come to terms with for some of us than others. You aren't alone. I think counselling does help you to see a way through. I have found it is a very up and down process. You can feel OK and then suddenly feel terrible again. But it does slowly get better. Hope this helps.

t0lk13n Fri 14-Oct-11 22:43:52

Big hugs....My dad died in AUGUST AND IT FEELS WEIRD. I can`t really put my finger on what and how I feel. Numb maybe. I`m not angry as he was ill and although his death was sudden, he isn`t suffering and he was very religious so I feel that he is with God now.

longlashes Sat 15-Oct-11 18:04:01

I lost my dad 3 years ago and after a very messy time in my life mostly I feel better about everything. I just now sat and listened to his music and had a good old cry and i feel a bit better now I just like to do that every now and again when I am on my own, trying to remember him well and happy, not the awful 18 months we had since he was diagnosed with cancer to him finally passing away. I was thinking he would have been seventy this christmas, his favourite time of year and why isn't he still here? I then clicked on mumsnet and now I don't feel so alone, that i still sob over him three years later. Love and hugs to you all xx

mulranno Sun 16-Oct-11 19:36:49

I am 3 years into loosing my mum - and I find that I am crying more - but I see this as progress - as I am not weeping and wailing and being highly agitated and angry to a dysfunctional degree which is where I was for at least 2 years and my children have really suffered - grief is hard - aim for baby steps (I will not scream at my children today...) - I also found it really useful to see it as a wave - it will come and pull you under often (..less frequently as time goes by)...but you will eventually return to the surface in a hour/day etc - I find it helpful to not try to "get over it" - I will always be devastated by my loss - my life is just different now - changed forever.

Lozario Wed 19-Oct-11 13:58:23

Yes I agree with Mulranno - I don't think it's something you can get over, rather I think you learn to live with it. My dad died 2 weeks before my first baby was born, I'm still so angry that he missed meeting him. Bereavement counselling helped - especially as I needed to get out some of the nastier details of his illness and death that I didn't want to burden OH with. (he would have listened but I didn't want him to have those images of my dad)

I walk around sometimes and look at people in the street and think "for all they know, my dad is still alive". Threads like this make you realise how many people have lost a parent but for each person it's SUCH a massive life changing thing. I have no answers but wanted to say you are not alone. Xxx

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