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(75 Posts)
Blondeshavemorefun Thu 11-Aug-11 05:59:14

Most of you know my dh committed suicide and i found him a few months ago as was so depressed he just felt he couldnt cope with life any moresad

i actually thought i was doing ok - had the odd bad day but bumbling along but the past few days i have totally hit rock bottom - have been in a total mess - really not coping and in constant tears and feeling so down

Finally saw my doctor yesterday saying i really wasnt coping and he said he was surprised it had taken me so long to go to him

that most widows (god i hate that word) appear a few weeks afterwards asking for help but not me, taken nearly 4 mths to properly fall

apparently i am very strong and stubborn and i was just running on adrenalin till now

He offered me antidp's and I said no - ive seen dh hooked on them for 15years on and off with his severe depression - I'm not depressed as such but he said 4 things generally start depression

Stress of jobs

I have all 4 so I'm prime target but I also have amazing strength and I'm stubborn

I did ask him If he thought I really needed them and he said no and I feel the same

I'm going for proper grief counselling - tbh Not sure it will work but I'm ready to try - where before hand i wasnt in the right frame of mind

so yes i will get there, as i dont have a choice but god its so tough and my heart still feels in a million pieces sad

Thumbwitch Thu 11-Aug-11 06:09:04

Glad you're here - hope it helps you. I'm sure it will - talking is amazingly therapeutic, even if it's only to let it all out.
Are you having the grief counselling through Cruse?

Good luck lovely - you WILL get there, yes indeedy. Hope we can help you when you need it. (((hugs))) x

CheerfulYank Thu 11-Aug-11 06:09:43

Oh darling, darling. sad

I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were. I can't imagine being in your shoes and I'm so sorry.

Grief is so terrible, just so heartbreakingly gut-awful and there's nothing to do but get through it.

I'm sorry I don't have anything constructive to say, but I'm here if you want to chat.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 11-Aug-11 06:21:30

i talk loads trust me - sure i often bore my friends and thats one thing i hate to thik that i am - a burden

i am normally so independent and just 'cope' with life that i have found having to ask for help so hard - it just isnt men

as i said thumb i do post a lot on fb - it really is my private therapy as i know EXCALTY who is on and reading what i write - unlike here for example

and yes will be cruise - though what i did find weird was that i had to ring them and make an appointment and not gp - so i made the first step yesterday and rang them and left a message

tbh i am a pissed off that they havnt rang me back yet - it took a lot of guts to ring them and i did sob down the phone explaining why i was ringing in the message i left but made sure my telephone number was clear - so why havnt they rang me back yet? sad

Thumbwitch Thu 11-Aug-11 06:34:32

Busy, probably - not much excuse I know but that's probably the answer.

I'm glad you have been doing your chatting on FB and to your friends. I doubt that they are bored - and even if they were, it will be over-ridden by their being happy to think they can help in any small way just by being there and listening to you when you need an ear.

Remember as well that on here, ok yes you don't know who is reading but trolls don't often touch the bereavement boards (thank God!), there is always someone on line - either in Australia or over in the USA/Canada. I am perennially here, it seems; CY is quite busy on the boards as well (although I'm quite sure she should be in bed by now wink)

Anyway, I hope Cruse get back to you asap and you get an early appointment.

CheerfulYank Thu 11-Aug-11 06:49:23

Indeed I should be. All this rest and recuperation (kidney infection) has thrown my off my schedule.

Talk away, if you need to.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn Thu 11-Aug-11 07:24:34

I've been told to ring cruise but haven't yet, my understanding is they are a charity and in different areas are only open on certain days. Mine is we'd and fri and just haven't been able to get dd out of the way to even call yet.

Have you had a look at their web site?

I understand why you have declined antids but don't close the door completely.

Tortington Thu 11-Aug-11 07:27:43

just posting to give you my love x

exoticfruits Thu 11-Aug-11 07:48:40

So sorry. I think that you are doing the right thing by being stubborn. I used to feel sometimes that I would just like to give up and let someone look after me, but I struggled on.
Have you seen here the Wayfoundation for young widows? It wasn't around when I was widowed but it seems to me just the thing. I found the most helpful thing was to talk to those in the same situation who were living it.
To be perfectly honest Cruse tried their best, but they were slow and they didn't have anyone my age. I eventually found a small band (there are far more widowed than you think) and we were our own support group. We had 2 people whose DHs committed suicide. We tried to do it under the Cruse umbrella (they liked what we were doing) but they were tied up with red tape and a lot of the older members didn't like babies and toddlers at the coffee mornings.
I don't know anyone who belongs to the Wayfoundation but , from the website, it looks well worth a try.
My very best wishes-it is hard and there isn't an easy way through.Time is the great healer-although I hated people saying it at the time.

exoticfruits Thu 11-Aug-11 07:50:31

It would be interesting to know if the Wayfoundation is helpful-I keep recommending it without any, even second hand, knowledge.

myfriendflicka Thu 11-Aug-11 09:04:28

So sorry to hear this sad

I found Way to be not that helpful when I was first widowed, but it is worth trying. It depends on who you meet at their events and whether you click with them. Even if you are all bereaved, it does not mean you will connect.

Friends are the ones who really get you through, in my experience. It sounds as if you do have good friends who give you support, so you may not need Way.

I found counselling/therapy helped too (but you have to give it time) and ended up not taking ADs. But you have to find what works for you.

I also found Cruse slow - but again, it depends on whether you can work with your counsellor. I think they are very stretched, which does not help if you are desperate to talk to someone and had to screw up your courage to do so.


Blondeshavemorefun Thu 11-Aug-11 10:08:59

yes cruse are slow sad as i said it took guts for me to ring and cry down the phone yesterday and nothing as of yet

havnt heard of way but think there is sob which a few have told me about - but will check out way when im back exotic so thanks

my friends are dragging my 'glamping' for a few days - which is so not me - im a pampered posh bird and dh and i always stayed in 4/5* hotels

he is probably be pissing his self with laughter over the next few days

but you are right friends and family are what get you through - my family are great - dh not so apart from his darling aunty p

guess i have to get my blonde butt into sorting out going to groups but again not sure if they will help - see my stubborn streak again coming through

and i REALLY dont want to go down the ad way

Thumbwitch Thu 11-Aug-11 10:18:38

I never went in much for the idea of group therapy or self-help groups right up until the point where I read Shere Hite's book The Hite Report on Female Sexuality and it made me realise I was normal. As in belonged in the 70%+ of the female population who had troubles with sex. Wow! That made an enormous difference to my confidence levels and it made me see that realising you are not alone can really help.

Of course, sometimes you meet a bunch of people and sit there thinking "I have nothing in common with these people apart from our loss" - but chances are you might meet someone you do click with and who not only understands because they've been there, but might become a good friend too.

Always worth a go - keep an open mind smile

noviceoftheday Thu 11-Aug-11 20:35:03

Hi Blondes, not experienced to give you any advice but I just wanted to say that i was thinking of you. xxx

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 12-Aug-11 16:19:01

Cruse rang yesterday so 24hrs later so guess I can't really complain

They apparently visit you at home and I will be called next week to make an appointment and then on waiting list for counselling

Could be a week could be a month or two

The lady was lovely and again tears flowed when I said how he died

Death of a partner /hubby is awful but somehow seems worse through suicide then an accident iyswim

exoticfruits Fri 12-Aug-11 17:01:09

Good luck-I hope that it all goes well and you don't have to wait too long.

Thumbwitch Sat 13-Aug-11 02:06:31

Blondes, I agree it is more awful when there is a level of intent involved. When it's an accident/illness, you can rail against fate or whatever but in the end it's just one of those things. When someone has deliberately ended their own life, they chose to do it. I know your DH was a tortured soul and he felt he had no other choice - but in the end it is a selfish act and that hurts.

I hope Cruse can fit you in soon.

Blondeshavemorefun Sun 14-Aug-11 23:24:04

i still cant tell people dh died without crying sad

had a computer man round today sorting out out new laptop and he knew i was married from when he came round before about 6mths ago

he saw a pic of dh as my screensaver and said he was a handsome man and i said yes he was instead of is iyswim

didnt think about it - and he said was? are you not together anymore

i immediately cried and said he had died and poor man didnt know where to look

Thumbwitch Sun 14-Aug-11 23:33:41

Ahhhhh Blondes. sad
I have a friend who is 90 now. Her DH died in 1991, I met her in 1994 (when I moved in next door to her) and she still would get tears in her eyes when she talked about him, even after 3 years. It's normal. I'm sure the man was ok, probably just sad that he kinda put his foot in it.

Littlefish Sun 14-Aug-11 23:42:14

Sending you lots of love Blondes. Xx

TwoCuteLittleOwls Mon 15-Aug-11 00:02:05

Blondes, what happened to you also happened to a friend of mine - so awful though I totally admired her courage, not least because her grief was so apparent and so strong. I feel for you and wish you that same strength; my husband is in the final stages of cancer, and I can't, just can't, think about the future.

Thumbwitch Mon 15-Aug-11 08:39:43

TwoCuteLittleOwls - so sorry to hear about your DH as well. sad Hope things are, well, as easy as they can be for him. I expect you could do with a couple of (((hugs))) as well.

peterpansmum Mon 15-Aug-11 09:54:52

Hiya Blondes, it took me six months after my son died before I even started to let myself feel the pain of grief. I'm now two and a half years on and have been seeing a counsellor for over 20 months and it had definitely helped me cope. I know our situations are different but I do know just how much courage it takes to make THAT call. I wrote an article called 'Why do I need counselling?' which I will try n post here. Please do PM me if you want to xxx

Blondeshavemorefun Mon 15-Aug-11 14:04:54

lovebeinghome my minds a blank at the moment but i dont recog your name, or have you changed and you are one of the ones i know iyswim

how long since your loss? sad

thumb he felt so bad, even though i told him it was fine

twocuteowls out your dh, thats tough and cancer/illness is so unfair as your dh and others dont have a choice - my dh chose to die and thats what i find so tough sad

but least you and your dc (if you have any) have a chance to make memories and say goodbye etc - i didnt get that x

peterpansmum sorry for your loss as well sad

have always said a parent should never bury a child sad

it was a tough call - literally but i also understand that they dont man the phones 24/7

i know i need to try and sort my head out and also finding it hard as i got made redundant a week before dh died and leave my job next week and i havnt been in the right frame of mind to really look for work, but obviously i need to for financial reasons as well as mental - i would go mad!!!

TotalChaos Mon 15-Aug-11 14:11:05

Not got any great words of wisdom, but just wanted to say I'm here, reading and listening. Hope that they sort out the CRUSE counselling soon.

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