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Losing your parents

(13 Posts)
careergirl Wed 03-Aug-11 23:17:06

I have lost both my parents within four months of each other (one sudden v unexpected, the other sudden but following long bouts of illhealth)
I was treated for cancer three years back and now under follow up period of five years my mum was desperate for me to get to the five year all clear mark. she wont be there now if I do get to that milestone (beginning to think it won't happen as scared its just bad stuff that is happening)
feel absolutely lost
anyone gain anything by bereavement counselling?

ticklebug74 Wed 03-Aug-11 23:20:35

Just wanted to send hugs, saw your post as I was signing off for bed and could not let it go unanswered. Have no experience with bereavement counselling but am a fellow cancer survivor who has BAD days and that is without losing my parents. I hope you find comfort soon lovely. Take care. x

careergirl Wed 03-Aug-11 23:21:05

thank you thats really kind xx

Sexonlegs Thu 04-Aug-11 10:37:06

Careergirl, my heart goes out to you it really does. What a dreadful hand you have been dealt.

My Mum died 7 months ago, and I diidn't have bereavement counselling, but that's not to say I wouldn't recommend it. You have/still have a lot on your plate.

Take care.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Thu 04-Aug-11 11:36:47

Hugs to you Career Girl, how very hard for you. I lost my mum almost a year ago now and although I didnt have counselling I sometimes wonder if it would have helped in some way.

You WILL get to that 5 year milestone and your lovely mum WILL know.

Sending you hugs xx

whitecloud Thu 04-Aug-11 13:18:32

careergirl - am sending my sympathy, and I hope a bit of understanding. My Dad died in May 2007 and my Mum in 2008. Mum went to pieces and then became ill herself. It was just continuous stress and emotionally draining and heart-wrenching. You have had cancer to deal with as well, and an even shorter time between bereavements. Am not suprised you feel so lost - I did and started suffering from bad anxiety and depression almost immediately (partly due to other problems in my life).

I found that bereavement counselling helped me. I don't live near my two brothers, my husband still has his parents and it did help me to feel less alone. You can talk about exactly what you are feeling and say the same things over and over again if you need to. It helps you to make sense of your feelings. I had no idea how afraid and anxious I would feel, but it isn't suprising when you consider that you have lost your anchor in life completely, especially if you were close to them. I have met other people who have lost their parents close together and they have found it equally hard. There is no time to get used to the death or begin to grieve for one, before the other falls ill and dies. You just feel flattened and it is a tremendous emotional strain.

I used to keep thinking I would ring them because inside I hadn't accepted that they were gone and then I'd remember and feel the grief all over again. It took about two years before my subconscious had accepted that they weren't there any more, but eventually you do get used to it and you learn to live with it a bit better. I also think it is a very individual thing, and what is true for one person won't happen for another.

I think it is very natural that you feel this dread that something bad will happen. It is very common to feel like that, and you have had cancer and two bereavements to deal with. Congratulations on coming up to your 5 year all clear. Be kind to yourself and try to rest. Grief and bereavement are extremely tiring. Am thinking of you.

doncaster1 Thu 04-Aug-11 18:31:25

So sorry. What a triple whammy. I am also parentless, having lost mum 5 months ago and dad about 20 years ago.
I am consider bereavement counselling too.

issynoko Thu 04-Aug-11 18:46:15

I lost my dad 15 years ago and Mum 5 years ago. DH lost his parents within 6 months of each other (same year my mum died) and then his sister a year later. Lots of other deaths in the family too - been to 17 funerals in the last 5 years. I too have found it very hard to trust that things will not always be the worst case scenario - have become much more anxious so I do understand your worries about your 5 year milestone. It is all very hard to deal with and your feelings are normal. I felt very troubled and then a friend said 'is your family cursed?' - charming! - and I made myself think of all the other things that aren't bad. My eldest child, for eg, survived a near death accident, we have had several healthy babies born in the family in the same time period. That sort of thing. You, even though you are worried, are a cancer survivor and I'm sure there are other things...but much as I try to be upbeat - I am considering bereavement counselling too - just to talk about the stuff that goes around and around in my head and because I am still very tearful and often very irritable with the children because I have no time to process any of this...and DH is bereft too so we aren't good support for each other - we need someone who will be able to listen without sharing too much - so we can be selfish and say 'what about how I feel, how it affects ME?' to someone who is there to listen. My cousin also lost her parents within 6 months of each other and she, after 2 years of pretending to be OK, has just gone - she just had 6 sessions because mainly she is coping well but needed a bit of help - and she said it has made a big difference to her ability to be calm-happy, not just brave-face-on-it happy. Your GP might be able to help, although there are usually long waiting lists - but it's a good start to find reputable counsellors who don;t just get you coming back for months to earn cash! I hope you find a way to remind yourself that life is still good, even though you have to make room for sadness too.

issynoko Thu 04-Aug-11 18:50:20

Here is a poem you might already know. Apparently the author is fed up with it! But I have found it comforting and hope you don't mind me giving it to you...

Sometimes by Sheenagh Pugh

Sometimes things don't go, after all,
from bad to worse. Some years, muscadel
faces down frost; green thrives; the crops don't fail.
Sometimes a man aims high, and all goes well.

A people sometimes will step back from war,
elect an honest man, decide they care
enough, that they can't leave some stranger poor.
Some men become what they were born for.

Sometimes our best intentions do not go
amiss; sometimes we do as we meant to.
The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen; may it happen for you.

careergirl Fri 05-Aug-11 00:45:58

hallo thank you for all your kind messages and advice feel a bit better today think yesterday I just hit a really big low but feel more upbeat today. That said tomorrow will probably be down again it seems all a bit roller coaster at the moment.
thanks again

solidgoldbrass Fri 05-Aug-11 00:52:45

Sorry for your loss. I lost my dad a month ago, it's hard to deal with, but it does get better, best of luck.

missdisorganised1 Fri 05-Aug-11 09:00:50

I lost both of mine in a car accident that I survived (I guess it wasn't my time yet). I don't remember much about the accident apart from the blue lights in my face as the firemen cut me out. I remember being in hospital and being surprised that no family came to visit and the gradual realisation that this was because they had been killed. When I saw Gran's face I knew that Mum and Dad had died without even being told so. I felt so anrgy they had left me behind.

Solidgoldbrass is right it does get better. It has been over a year now and I think the worst is over. Waiting for exam results at least has the ability to blot these things out. Rather like drinking too many shots.

lloyd1 Tue 09-Aug-11 23:57:54

I am missing my parents so much especially my mum who passed away last. Life is so cruel. If you have problems in your life it is often your parents who provide the most support. When they are gone its tough. Plus as so few people have lost both parents few people understand what you are going through.
Sorry having a rough night.
Sorry to others in the same boat.

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