My lovely Grandpa died on Monday. He's the first person the dcs have known who has died so they are full of questions (they're 7.6, 5.11 and 4.6). They were asking where he was between now and the funeral so I explained about the chapel of rest and how people could go and see him if they wanted.
All 3 asked if they could go and see him.
I'm torn. DH thinks no, I'm tending towards saying yes but don;t know if it will be too much for them. It's not something I've ever had to think about and it's so far out of normal that I have no idea how they may react. They are all coming to the funeral, Grandpa would have wanted that but the chapel of rest is just a bit different.
Part of me thinks it would be good for them to see what being dead means because they don't understand it all, but part of me thinks it may freak them out and I don't want to cause more upset and stress than I'm already dealing with.
Has anyone ever taken their dcs and what happened, or, if you haven't, what is your gut instinct over the right thing to do?
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Taking children to the Chapel of Rest. I don't know what to do.
LadyDamerel · 14/07/2011 09:41
So sorry about your Grandpa 
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My aunt died earlier this year and I did consider taking dd but decided against in the end. She had seen her when she was very poorly and it upset her so I wanted her to see that she wasn't poorly any longer. I still have no idea whether I did the right thing. She has been quite traumatised by it - struggling to get to sleep at night, panicking if any of us cough or are sick and waking in the night with bad dreams. She is a bit younger than your dc's though (she was just under 4 when it happened).
Sorry - I realise I have been no help whatsoever . Hope someone comes along with some advice
Otherwise they will think it is scarier than it is, that you are hiding something and (worst of all) that you did not listen to them.
Definitely. I'll put that point to DH. I think his reasons against taking them stem from his seeing his brother and grandad's bodies, both of who looked very unlike themselves.
I KNOW Grandpa doesn't look any different and, as my aunt pointed out, he'll probably look better than he did when I saw him because he'll have been washed and brushed and dressed.
The point about there being 2 adults I hadn't thought about, thanks for that.
SGB, if your DC are keen and you think they can cope, then take them: your H doesn't get the right of veto if you disagree. Though he does probably get the right not to be the one who has to get up in the night if it does give them nightmares...
That's exactly my thinking. I think we'll have to have another chat tonight and if he won't come then I'll ask someone else.
Lady, sorry to hear about your Grandpa.
If your children want to see him at the chapel of rest, I think they should be allowed to go.
Just a thought - if they might want to kiss him goodbye, it would be a good idea to tell them beforehand that Grandpa's skin will feel cold.
My Mam died a few months ago and I saw her at the chapel of rest. I gave her a kiss and was a bit shocked at how cold and hard she felt 
Just a quick update, more for anyone digging this thread out in times to come than anything else.
We went this afternoon. DH was still fairly anti- them going so I went on my own with the 3 of them. In the car I explained that Grandpa would be quite pale and be in the coffin in his suit, etc. reassured them that they could change their minds at any point and also said they could touch him if they wanted to but he would feel cold (thank you, whoever mentioned that).
When we arrived at the undertakers he took us into a little anteroom first and had a chat with them about how it was just Grandpa's body and what made him 'him' had gone. He made a very good analogy about a car - a living person is like a car with a driver so it moves, etc. But when you die it's like the driver getting out of the car and walking away so the car can't go anywhere. Even 4yo Ds understood.
He took us through and said he'd be just outside if we had any questions then left us.
All 3 looked at him, stroked his hands and face, asked lots of questions (mostly about the coffin drapes; the lid which was propped against the wall; the little cross to go on the grave afterwards; also things like where his feet were because they were hidden under the drapes and his ears because his hair had got quite long and was over them) and seemed utterly unfazed by it all.
They weren't frightened or upset by any of it - I think being very matter of fact and answering their questions as honestly as I could really helped.
But thanks to everyone who encouraged me to listen to my own convictions, I'm glad I took them .
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