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Why must it be so difficult?

(14 Posts)
Rindercella Tue 12-Jul-11 13:54:24

Tomorrow will be 3 months since Richard died. Today is the 1st anniversary of dad's death. I am finding it difficult enough coping with these two huge loses, making sure the girls are ok, getting on with life...so why must everything I do seem so bloody difficult? Honestly, it seems that every move I make, every form I fill in, every single thing I try to close off is fraught with challenges. I am close to despair, close to losing it at times.

This morning, when I planned to clear the desk ready to tackle a load of paperwork, the postie comes. I open a bill from Richard's mobile phone company for £410. I cancelled the contract a couple of weeks after he died. They are now demanding £410 and for some reason the account is now in my name confused So instead of clearing my desk and doing all the things I wanted to do, I spent the morning trying to sort this crap out. I ended up writing an email to the CEO after one of their customer service representatives put the phone down on me. I did not shout or swear at her. I was not rude to her. I think she just wasn't adequately equipped to deal with what I was requesting. So she put the phone down on me.

The thing is, these organisations can ruin your life. They now - bizarrely - have an outstanding amount of £410 in my name. They are threatening me with adverse credit if I do not pay. I am very good at writing emails (remember the £10k donation from the crap credit card company?!), so hopefully this will be resolved. But it has heaped on a load more stress that I could really do without.

The simplest things seem such a challenge; nothing is without complications. Or at least that's what it feels like. The above is one of a hundred examples I could give you. I still have not had a penny for either the bereavement payment or the bereaved parent allowance. Hopefully that will be resolved this week. But it has been 3 months - why has it taken this long?

I am going away for a month next Saturday. I can't wait, but I also feel this huge weight crashing down on me, worrying so much about what shit could happen during that month; how much more my life might be ruined in that time. I almost feel myself panicking inside. I am not used to that - I am pretty much a calm, balanced person. My balance has been taken away from me and I hate it.

And it just pisses me off so much that this utterly meaningless crap detracts from my feelings for Richard and for Dad. I want to be able to grieve for them without all of this additional worry.

I don't like my new normal, not one little bit.

carocaro Tue 12-Jul-11 14:34:37

I am so sorry that you have been dealing with such grief and loss. It is when you are going through all this that everything is so much harder, your focus is all over the place and having to tell about it to complete strangers about it and sort bills etc brings it all to the surface when u have no idea yourself what youbfeel.

When my dad died I was 15 mins late delivering the keys back to the council, and she said that I owed a weeks rent because I was late, I explained ton here why and she said it did not matter. Bitch. So I wrote to the council and they apologised and did not charge the rent.

You have emailed the phone company now, so park that until they respond. Can I call anyone for you, give me all the details and I can pretend to be you? A friend did this for me with a few things as I could barely function. Or can a friend do the same for you?

Also just accept you are human, your balance as you say is off, but no wonder! Be kind to yourself instead of thinking you are not as normal as you think you should be. Can you ask someone to help whilst you are away, sorting post etc, so you can lessen the worry whilst you are away?

And there will come a time when all this admin crap has gone and you can start to feel just about your Dad and Richard and be able to grieve.

It won't be your new normal for ever, I promise.

Rindercella Tue 12-Jul-11 15:16:46

Caro (very appropriate name for you - you're lovely), thank you so much for your message. Shocking behaviour from that woman. Unbelievable.

Well, I had a call from the mobile phone company and they have said they will cancel the whole contract and zero the balance, so that's a good result. They also said they would cancel the other phone Richard had on my account but before, because it is in my name, they said it could not be cancelled as it was still in contract. I had written to them about this 2 months ago, but only now have they actioned it.

Phew. One more battle won. But that's the problem - everything is a fucking battle and I hate it.

I hate feeling sorry for myself - Richard would be so cross with my self pity. Gah.

I have had a nap this afternoon and feel much better for it. Grief can make you incredibly tired.

QuickLookBusy Tue 12-Jul-11 22:02:09

Rindercella, I'm glad you are feeling a little better after your sleep and am so sorry you are having to deal with all this awful crap. Is there anyone who can help you with all of this paperwork? You really shouldn't have to be dealing with it.

One of my best friends has recently lost her teenage DD very suddenly. It has been an utterly devastating time. Like you as well as trying to believe and cope with what has happened to her DD, she has had some awful people to deal with.

Her friends and family have now taken over all of her paperwork/post/phone messages. Please ask someone you trust to do this for you. It will take that bit of worry off your shoulders, you have so much to cope with as it is. Also when you are away you can relax in the knowledge that you will not be coming back to a mountain of paperwork. You could even leave some signed letters, stating that you give permission for said person to deal with your affairs while you are away.

We went away for only a week recently, it doesn't take the pain away but it did us all so much good. I really hope you have a peaceful break.x

OpusProSerenus Tue 12-Jul-11 22:10:43

Nothing exciting or useful to add, just take time to cherish yourself and your family, going away will do you good.

Richard and you dad would be so proud of you holding everything together and, although you may want some time to grieve, remember they don't need you to sit and think about them, your life and your DCs lives honour them all the time.

Hope you have a lovely break

yellowkiwi Tue 12-Jul-11 23:42:20

It is difficult isn't it? The time seems to pass and yet things don't get much easier. Then some people expect you to be beginning to get over things without realising all of paperwork that you are dealing with, not to mention the continued grief. I am definitely getting increasingly bored of not having a dad now and would like him to come back.

We had one nice letter last week from Abbey Life who Dad had a pension with. They said they wouldn't be asking for us to repay the £53 they had paid since his death. So refreshing as it seems that all the people who want money from us (council tax particularly annoying) are very quick to send out their requests but those who might owe us money are keeping very quiet.

Hope you have a good break

trulymadlydeeply Wed 13-Jul-11 17:10:51

Thinking of you, Rinders. This too will pass, and when you think of the bureaucratic cock-ups you've faced and won, you know you can do it. A holiday will do you the world of good. Have a relaxing time ...

Xx

Rindercella Wed 13-Jul-11 17:44:44

Thank you everyone. As always, it helps so much to read your messages smile

QLB, I am so sorry to hear of your friend's daughter. Just so sad.

I am trying to get all the essential stuff clear before I go away and tbh, the rest can just wait until I get back. So long as I know that the mortgage is being paid, that we're not going to be cut off from essential supplies and also that I have at least some money coming in, then that's the best I can do for the moment.

Things actually seem harder now than they did a couple of months ago. I am mostly by myself now - which actually, I mostly like. But sometimes it just feels so relentless. I guess that's always going to be the case, and goes hand-in-hand with having sole care of a couple of tiny children.

I have planned a holiday within a holiday. I am going to bugger off for a couple of nights and book myself into a luxury hotel all by myself. Imagine, no evening routine of dinner, bath, bed wine...it'll just be wine. No interruptions during the night - either baby crying or a small person joining me in the early hours. It will just be me. Entirely selfish of course, but utter, utter bliss!

There have been no nasties today, thank goodness. And I had a lovely lunch with a very good friend.

Rindercella Sat 16-Jul-11 11:23:04

I apologise in advance, but this is going to just be an outpouring of my grief I think.

I miss Richard so much, it is now nearly unbearable. My grief is getting worse, not easier. I cannot seem to stop crying, sometimes I am wailing even. Most people seem to think that I am coping remarkably well, but really I am crumbling. Miss him incredibly. He was beautiful, my soul mate. I miss him saying, 'baby, baby bayyyybbbbbyyyy' when he saw me, I miss chatting to him - we always used to chat about anything and everything. I miss cuddling up to him in bed. I cannot believe that such a beautiful, fit, athletic man has gone. He was there, so strong, and now he is not.

I feel so bloody alone. Of course everyone else has gone back to their lives - they have to. But this is my life and I hate it. I love my children, my home. But I hate my life without him. It hurts so much. So fucking much.

Why did this have to happen to such a special man? It's just not fucking fair. He should be with us now, enjoying our children together. Living life to the full as he always did.

ineedtooffload Sat 16-Jul-11 11:39:32

No need to apologise. You won't recognise me but I've followed your story.

My husband's best friend died this week. They were together when it happened. The last few days have been all about supporting his widow.

I know it is just going to get harder and harder for her.

It's not fair, not fair at all

GRW Sat 16-Jul-11 22:56:41

I'm sorry you are going through this- 3 months in can be harder than the early days, as the numbness wears off and the the overwhelming pain of the loss is felt in greater intensity. Adjusting to life without him is part of grieving, and is incerdibly hard too. I hope you have friends and family who you can talk to and have a good cry with, as that will help with time. Life isn't fair.

heathcliffthe2nd Fri 29-Jul-11 21:24:49

Another message from someone you don't know... I have followed your messages but felt like I would be intruding. But I just want to say now that you sound like an amazing person. You are going through an awful time but you always come across as a caring person, and a lovely mum. I have no advice to give; just try and enjoy your holiday and your 'holiday within a holiday' - sounds lovely!

missdisorganised1 Sat 30-Jul-11 13:54:40

When Mum and Dad were killed I was 17 and I remember how unhelpful most organisations were to me. Zero compassion from the "jobsworth's" I had to deal with. Banks, Building Societies, Phone Companies, Utilities were pretty much all a shower of to me. As next of kin I had to do most of the jobs myself and ended up in tears more than once.

I know just where you are coming from Rindercella!!

everlong Sun 31-Jul-11 20:14:59

Dear Rinders, I followed your story throughout Richard's diagnosis and illness and I think about you and your dds alot.

It is so hard when those around you start to get on with their lives, enjoying themselves and lose contact with you.

I can really feel your pain in your posts, I can understand the huge loss. I lost a son two years ago, different to losing a dh I think, but I know the pain you are feeling and talking about.

But you know they say that the depth of pain you feel reflects the love you have for them, even though it hurts like hell it sort of comforted me to remember this.

I promise that you won't always feel this terrible. You will always miss Richard and ofcourse love him but you will be able to get through a day, week and month without crying so hard and feeling so dreadful.

You are a strong woman and Richard will be proud of you, he will.
Keep going Rinders, you will get there.

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