Talk

Advanced search

Dad died.

(48 Posts)
newpup Thu 07-Jul-11 05:56:59

My dad died yesterday. Not sure why I am posting really. Shocked to discover I have wrinkles this morning from all the crying! Just feel so sad.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Thu 07-Jul-11 06:07:43

I'm so sorry. I now have grey hair after mine died! I came on hear to talk it did help.

X

TanteRose Thu 07-Jul-11 06:17:13

I am so sorry for your loss, newpup sad

and Love sad

Sexonlegs Thu 07-Jul-11 07:22:39

I am so sorry newpup sad

I have found the bereavemenet threads on Mumsnet a real help, as sadly so many of us have lost loved ones.

Take care.

MaryBS Thu 07-Jul-11 07:35:16

Sorry to hear that, newpup sad

Bloodybridget Thu 07-Jul-11 08:44:42

Very sorry. Talk on here, tell us about him. Was it unexpected?

mumblechum1 Thu 07-Jul-11 08:46:28

Very sorry, Newpup. sad

ggirl Thu 07-Jul-11 08:50:06

so sorry , had he been ill for a while?

newpup Thu 07-Jul-11 11:33:53

Thanks for replying. He was not old but had been battling cancer for a long time. We had time to prepare but how can you really? So sad I did not go to see him the day he died, I had been the day before and was due to go yesterday but was too late sad

Not sure how it helps to post on here but it does. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Thu 07-Jul-11 15:46:09

I'd always thought it would help to know what was coming but it didn't help me either. Don't be too hard on yourself I'm sure he know you'd have been there if you could.

Sexonlegs Thu 07-Jul-11 18:07:12

Newpup, it is impossible to guage when someone is going to pass sad I was in the house when my Mum died (also of cancer) and I heard her dying but was too afraid to go to her room. I feel so bloody guilty about it.

Had your Dad had cancer long?

aquos Thu 07-Jul-11 18:14:09

My dad died of cancer when he was 56. I lived a 2 hour drive away and was on my way to see him but by the time I arrived he'd gone. Like you, we knew it was coming but it still hits you like a ton of bricks. I cried buckets; hankies and tissues were no where near enough and I resorted to carrying a hand towel around with me to deal with the tears and snot.

I am sorry to hear of your loss, I know it hurts like hell.

TheOriginalFAB Thu 07-Jul-11 18:14:50

So sorry for your loss sad. Do you have any family to support you?

usualsuspect Thu 07-Jul-11 18:16:36

sorry for your loss sad

keep posting if it helps

newpup Thu 07-Jul-11 19:53:12

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I keep telling myself that other people have coped with this before. I think we will have to wait a while for his funeral. Not sure if this is good or bad. My mum has asked me to do a reading. Hope I can manage it okay.

I have been told I can go and see him in the chapel of rest. Not sure if I can though. Would that help?

It is hard to watch my DDs grief too sad

aquos Thu 07-Jul-11 20:04:41

I didn't go to see my dad in the chapel of rest. It's a very personal choice, no right or wrong thing to do, whatever feels right for you.

I found the time between dad dying and the funeral flew by. So much to sort out. My mum was obviously in bits and I dealt with a lot of the legal and paperwork stuff for her. Organising is my thing and it helped me to be busy.

I think you're very brave to be considering doing a reading. I couldn't have done that.

TheOriginalFAB Thu 07-Jul-11 20:33:41

I think it depends on the ages of your DD's.

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios Thu 07-Jul-11 20:46:08

So sorry to hear of the loss of your dad sad

I lost my dad on 8th June after an illness too (very much like MND). I was with him when he died and I felt a very strong sense of him 'leaving' when he actually died; almost as if he'd left the room. I could make no connection with his body and the dad I loved and I very soon made the decision that I wouldn't see him again at the chapel of rest.

I would say it depends on your spiritual or religious leanings too, (I'm not religious) but imho I wouldn't feel pressured by any need to 'say goodbye' by attending the chapel of rest especially as it sounds like you regret not being there when he died. I know it can be of some comfort to many people but it can also be very upsetting (my dad looked like a totally different person as soon as he died). Your dad knew you loved him and I truely believe the dead are gone, whether they go 'somewhere else' or whether they just disappear. I feel that dad is around me, in my character and the way I feel and behave because of the way he brought me up; he's in the things we say to one another at home as he was very articulate and humorous and his influence is everywhere. I personally don't feel the need for a physical memorial of him, but as I said before, everyone is different. Go with what your instincts tell you.

And if you can, do the reading. I did dad's eulogy and I'm so glad I did. Somewhere I found the strength and I felt a huge amount of adrenaline that got me through the funeral and the whole day really. My dd's are 9 and 5 and they came to the funeral - I spent a lot of time talking about what they could expect and playing them the music we had so they would know what was going on; it definitely helped them.

I'm really very sorry for what you must be going through. It's very very sad. x

madamimadam Thu 07-Jul-11 20:51:19

So sorry for your loss, new pup. Will say a prayer for him, and your family tonight. x

newpup Thu 07-Jul-11 21:12:53

Oneofsueslyvesterscheerios Thank you. Your post is very meaningful and I am sorry for your loss too sad I am not religious either and a decision to go and see him in the chapel of rest is driven by a sadness I did not see him the day he died. Maybe reading at his funeral will be my goodbye to him sad. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience, it helps. x

newpup Thu 07-Jul-11 21:13:50

madamimadam thank you too for your prayers.

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios Thu 07-Jul-11 21:23:52

xx

Is there anything that you closely associate with your dad that you could say your peace with? I know it might seem more 'fitting' or even what's expected to sit with his body in the chapel of rest to say goodbye but I'm getting the feeling that it wouldn't really help you. Instead why don't you take some time to be with whatever it is that connects you with your dad and say goodbye in your own way?

It gave me some comfort to have a lovely photo of dad with my dds in a prominent place in my living room, along with a little candle and (later) a copy of his order of service. I've stopped lighting the candle now but I love looking at the photo - sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes me makes me smile. I also have the last birthday card he gave me on the mantlepiece. He died 3 days after my birthday and he had dictated the message to dh as he couldn't write any more. I've only read it once as it hurts too keenly to re-read his words at the moment but the picture on the front is gorgeous and I know I'll be able to read it again sometime.

Music can help as well, I have found. We finished dad's funeral with 'Bring me sunshine' by Morecambe and Wise and I get such a lot of comfort listening to that and remembering my childhood with us all watching Eric and Ernie smile

Be kind to yourself - it's a very hard time.

newpup Fri 08-Jul-11 08:14:22

That is a lovely way to remember your dad oneof.

Going to see mum today. Feel numb today. My eyes really hurt from crying in the night but today I just feel deeply sad sad

So sorry to hear about your dad!!! I lost my mum to cancer last summer, it is a very hard time.

I was with mum when she died and so made the decision not to go and see her in the chapel of rest as I had already said my goodbyes. Have you made a decision as to whether you are going to see your dad? I think just go and see him if you feel you really have to, you know, have that strong urge. If you are unsure I would leave it but thats just my personal thoughts on it.......it's hard but try and remember him the way he was before he was ill......images of my mum towards the end are awful and I am desperately trying to erase them.

Be gentle on yourself darling and keep talking, it really does help. xx

5inthebed Fri 08-Jul-11 10:00:48

So sorry for your losses Newpup and Sue.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now