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Mother died in 2009, now crying at work

(18 Posts)
Bloodybridget Mon 27-Jun-11 09:40:16

because the sale of her flat is about to complete - my brother emailed to say he'd visited for the last time to read meters etc. We're both vastly relieved that it's sold after being on the market over a year, but it feels like another part of her gone and it's so painful.

Seen a couple of new threads on here about parents dying; much sympathy to all of you who are coping with bereavements. People who haven't had really bad losses often don't realise how long the grief goes on.

RainySmallHands Mon 27-Jun-11 09:53:01

So sorry, bridget sad. I've no personal experience (I haven't lost a parent, thank goodness) but I'm sure that the grief does last forever, just changing as time goes on.

The sale of the flat is bound to affect you deeply. Feeling a new wave grief over it is completely normal I should imagine.

coansha Mon 27-Jun-11 09:54:36

Oh I am so sorry for your loss, it must be very hard knowing that this is the final chapter.
I have not lost a parent yet but lost my BF 18 months ago and am still so sad about it, I think that you must go through different stages of dealing with it.
I can now talk about her but left alone i do sit have a little cry.
I hope you have kept things that are special to you from the flat and photos etc.
Have you considered doing a scrap book about her for you and your family?
My sister has been posting old pics on FB of our aunt who passed away 10 years ago, she was like an gran really to all of us and the old stories and photos were fabulous and things we had not seen or heard of.
2009 is no time at all and the sale will be bringing back all the memories of her time there.
It sounds like you loved your mum very much and she must have been very lucky to have you, many of us take for granted what we have, we should take the time to enjoy it.
I am sure she will be watching over you........and smiling!

girlscout Mon 27-Jun-11 09:56:27

Great sympathy for you and how you are feeling.
People always expect grief to go in stages ,be defined and then be resolvedin a finite amount of time.
It just comes in waves, you think you are managing and rationalising it ,then theres another trigger.
Its a horrible feeling but you are really normal ,and remember you will take solace in the good memories as well as accommodating the sad ones.
Remember you are also grieving for the end of the family home (last link to childhood)and the reminder that you dont have a mother figure around.
Take carex

Bloodybridget Mon 27-Jun-11 10:28:00

ah thank you all, you are kind. I do know this is normal. My mother was the most loving, kind, supportive mum you could ever hope for. After living for over 50 years in the same flat, where we grew up, she moved to a retirement flat for the last 10 years of her life and she was so happy there.

She was reasonably well and completely independent until a week before she died, when she had a huge stroke, and after that she was more or less unconscious, being very well cared for in hospital. We were with her every day until she died. It was exactly the end to her life she would have chosen and that's a huge comfort to me.

I have got all the family pictures and records now and have worked on a family tree!

SoloIsAHotCougar Mon 27-Jun-11 11:33:18

I too understand your tears Bloodybridget and would like to point you towards a lovely and supportive thread...


mateysmum Mon 27-Jun-11 11:44:23

My dad died 25 years ago and still something will send me into floods of tears -usually "The Railway Children" where Jenny Agutter says "Daddy, my Daddy" (mad I know), so it's to be expected that life events will trigger your grief. My mum died last year and we are trying to sell her house too. When it goes it will feel like the last ties to that generation are broken. But we carry on through the ups and downs. Be kind to yourself OP.

carocaro Tue 28-Jun-11 10:41:46

It is so hard, when the Salvation Army (my Dad requested this in his will) came to take away some of my Dad's furniture, I lost it and told them to go away in tears! The driver was so nive, big burly bloke hugged me and told me he understoof, which made me weep even more. I calmed down and let them take it. So I understand how you feel.

SoloIsAHotCougar Tue 28-Jun-11 13:19:18

sad caro.

WelshCerys Tue 28-Jun-11 13:42:53

Bloodybridget - thinking of you. So raw, so tough but honestly those feelings do get a great deal gentler and easier to cope with. After my dad's death I cried at work, too, and used to doodle little notes about/to him. After mum's much the same. Sometimes, even now, I find myself phoning their old tel no (for a split second) and even emailing mum at her old email address. Anything to help me cope and make sense of things. Then it passes and I get on, usually to see to DCs or DH or, sometimes, to do something for myself. (I don't think we do the latter nearly often enough, as mothers.)

mateysmum - I know what you mean - I too get caught out by words/sights which resonate like that. But I guess in their turn, our DC will go through much the same. Perhaps all part of having loved and been loved.

BB - take care of yourself. These are very early days. Two years is no time at all.

SoloIsAHotCougar Tue 28-Jun-11 23:15:10

Actually WC, I think that's a great idea; to send an email to their old address even if it just remains somewhere in the ether...might just do that myself.

Bloodybridget Thu 30-Jun-11 14:34:10

Thanks all, for posts and for sharing some of your experiences. It is indeed the price we pay for love, and as someone said in another context "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

WyrdMother Thu 30-Jun-11 14:57:49

Though it's infrequent the strangest things still catch me out 30 years after my dad died, the smell of oily cloth (he wore a filthy army surplus jacket when he was fixing one of his endless parade of knackered cars), the Dambusters March because he loved the film and never listened to anything but military band music and Nods at mateysmum that that line in the Railway Children has exactly the same effect on me along with Kate Bush's cloudbusting.

The one that makes me feel resoundingly silly is that bit in the Princess Bride where Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin) says "I want my father back, you son of a bitch!" I can't help it, it resonates because even after 30 years so do I.

Sending kind thoughts your way BloodyBridget.

wilbur Thu 30-Jun-11 15:12:25

Both my parents are dead, and Mum has been gone for 14 years, but I had a sad and sorry for myself moment just yesterday when I was trying to work out how to deal with a nightmare school event / work meeting clash and I had no one I could call to help out. I just longed to have a mum, like so many of my friends have, who would say "I'll pick the kids up and give them tea, don't worry". So although I don't miss her in the intense way of the early years and it does get easier, I promise, there are still things that will stop me in my tracks. These days, though, I feel like that's the way it should be, that they're still with me at those moments.

And mateysmum and wyrdmother - "Daddy, my Daddy!" [weeps]

Bloodybridget Mon 04-Jul-11 13:15:48

Kind thoughts to all of you too - thank you - just got text from my dear bro that sale has completed and feeling wobbly so lovely to look at all your posts again. We are so lucky tho' aren't we, to have had parents who loved us and whom we miss and mourn because they were great? Special commiserations to those of you who lost a parent very prematurely.

TimeForCake Tue 05-Jul-11 13:18:11

Your post resonated with me Bridget as that's a place I'll be in soon. My thoughts are with you today. And yes, how lucky we are to have had mum's/dad's who loved us and who were so great. If I can be half the mum mine was, I'll be doing ok!
I lost her 3 yrs ago in 6 days time, very suddenly & unexpectedly and for various reasons, we still haven't cleared her house. blush I have done bits and pieces but kept putting it off and off. I managed to do a big charity run with some of her clothes, which was desperately hard to start but got a little easier. Clothes are so emotive are't they? Funnily enough, I received a letter from Oxfam today saying how much they had made from Gift aid from my donations and that felt nice.
I know that it will be a relief for us to sell our family home in some ways, but the actual clearing & eventual sale will be so so hard.
Well done for getting this far and keep your happy memories near.
You'll always have your mum's love.

Bloodybridget Wed 06-Jul-11 09:54:11

TimeForCake - yes it will be hard - have you got sibs/partner/friends who can help? My DP was wonderful and did loads with me - I would dither and sob while she wrapped and packed and sorted.

I got a local charity to take some of my mother's furniture, the guys who came to collect it were really sweet.

Much sympathy to you and I hope the anniversary isn't too hard.

TimeForCake Wed 06-Jul-11 12:54:48

Good idea about charity collection for furniture. And yes, I have a wonderful DH and sibling to help so I'm not alone. Some of mum's friends have also offered to help which is very sweet, but somehow I think only we can do the sorting.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Stay strong.

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