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Mum's terminal illness is ruining all of our lives.

(76 Posts)
toptramp Tue 21-Jun-11 21:37:43

I have posted about this before on here but my mum has terminal throat cancer. Very nasty, slow, visula death. I just feel like my whole life is on hold and that I cannot have any fun. We can't go out, go on holiday, I had to cancel Glastonbury and all I am waiting for is mum's death which lets face it is utterly horrendously shite. I want to have soem fun but I just feel that I can't until she passes. I just thought she'd die at a ripe old age of 90 or something.It's one horrible limbo and I want to get drunk and forget it all but I can't as I have a 3 year old dd.
I don't want mum to die at all but dying slowly of cancer is shite shite shite.

HumphreyCobbler Tue 21-Jun-11 21:40:37

God I am so sorry you are going through this. What a terrible situation for you and your Mum. I remember your story from other threads.

toptramp Tue 21-Jun-11 21:40:44

I do sound like such a selfish cow and i am. i think also people keep saying that I should enjoy my last days with her but it's so hard to enjoy watching your mum's throat being eaten away aggressive cancer. It's not like we can even take her to the pub or for a drive. She can't walk without a zimmer frame, has drugs round the clock and is just doped out on morphine. HORRENDOUS AND SHITE.

HumphreyCobbler Tue 21-Jun-11 21:42:04

Can you not take some time for yourself so that you could get drunk if you want? Have you a friend who would help out with your dd? It is pretty relentless looking after a three year old at any normal time, which this certainly is not for you sad. You must be exhausted.

toptramp Tue 21-Jun-11 21:43:05

I just keep thinking that this is just a phase and that hopefully we have a long time left whereas mum has no time so we can try and get living back when this has all passed. The worst thing is knowing that life will be infinately more shite and empty without her.

HumphreyCobbler Tue 21-Jun-11 21:43:42

You don't sound like a selfish cow at all.

You sound like someone at the end of her tether emotionally, which is hardly surprising.

GreenTeapot Tue 21-Jun-11 21:45:05

Oh I'm so sorry sad

You do sound as though you need a break. It must be exhausting, emotionally.

toptramp Tue 21-Jun-11 21:45:18

I just cannot believe in a god after this. i just don't see how life is at all fair.

HumphreyCobbler Tue 21-Jun-11 21:45:55

That is the thing about cancer, fucking shit evil disease that it is. It must be so hard looking forward to a time when your life may return to normal but knowing that the terrible price you will pay will be the loss of your mother. sad

GreenTeapot Tue 21-Jun-11 21:45:58

x posts.

Can you get out for a few hours sometime?

northender Tue 21-Jun-11 21:46:02

Sorry for your situation toptramp. The thread title sounds selfish but you're not, you're just devastated at your mum's demise at the hands of an awful disease.

MavisEnderby Tue 21-Jun-11 21:46:25

I'm so sorry xxThere is nothing worse than watching a loved one die from a long chronic illness especially if they deteriorate slowly and are in constant pain.You are right about the limbo bit.dp was poorly for 3 years and eventually died of disease complications after a stint in ICU but previously had been deteriorating very slowly.It is the helplessnes and the uncertainty that grinds you down.When he died,i know this sounds awful but it was almost a relief,having watched him in pain day to day.Like waking up in a partucularly awful Groundhog day,day after day.Sending you much love sympathy and strength,Mavis.

ps you aren't selfish,I totally know where you are coming from [hug]

toptramp Tue 21-Jun-11 21:47:52

It's the worst disease ever. Mum knows exactly what is happening to her as she is nlot dementing and i think this is just the cruelest thing ever. I certainly wouldn't want to know if it were me.

Ormirian Tue 21-Jun-11 21:48:00

Bless you top sad

I have nothing to say that will help but I am so very sorry.

Restrainedrabbit Tue 21-Jun-11 21:48:32

Cancer is awful for all concerned sad my first dh died from it when I was 24 and the relentlessness of it all I remember well. Be kind to yourself.

toptramp Tue 21-Jun-11 21:50:31

Thanks everyone. I am watching all the carefree young things and I am so jealous that I can't be one of them. I am so fed up of being the strong one (as I am a single parent). I started crying at dad's the other day and was told that I need to be strong for dd. I agree but I threw down my bag and said that I'm fucking fed up with being the strong one.

bibbitybobbityhat Tue 21-Jun-11 21:50:58

Yes, it really is utterly awful waiting for a parent (or anyone else close to you for that matter) to die of cancer. It is indeed shite shite shite. Your life is on hold, but their life is drawing to a close. Glastonbury will be there next year.

toptramp Tue 21-Jun-11 21:58:40

True. It's not just that; parties etc. I'm not sure I feel like it anyway. I think it's the fact that life isn't ''normal'' at the momnet. Whatever that means. It's the sheer lack of joy, spontenaity and excitement.
I have also lost a relationship. It was a fairly new one and he couldn't cope with my grief. Ok so he's not a great catch but I feel so resentful. Not of my poor dear mum but of horrid fucking cancer. I hate it and I resent it. My dad simply cannot do anything but care for mum but angel that he is; he dosn't grumble at all. he's such a star! as is mum.

bibbitybobbityhat Tue 21-Jun-11 22:04:05

I completely understand. Been through it all recently. Although my dad is dead now and I feel very sad every day, there is a certain element of relief and of life getting back to normal. I don't have that feeling of dread at more bad news every time the phone rings, and I don't wake up at 4am wondering how I will cope with his death, because I have lived through it.

But you will get through it, you do need to be strong, death is part of life, do your grieving after your Mum has died, not before - yada yada yada. Am feeling for you sad.

heathcliffthe2nd Tue 21-Jun-11 22:11:30

toptramp I am in a very similar position to you. My mum is in the last stages of ovarian cancer (so not so visually debilitating as throat cancer). She was diagnosed nearly 4 years ago so it's fantastic that she has had so much extra time - and we have had some brililant times. But also it's a strange thing to have hanging over you all the time. My marriage has suffered because the situation with my mum is always on my mind. I might not say it but it is always there. I haven't been able to book a holiday a long time in the future and as soon as I put anything on the calendar, it's always with the proviso "as long as Mum is OK"
She is pretty bad now - can't get about without a wheelchair etc and she is really suffering. It's heartbreaking and I wish I could help her.

Sorry, have completely hijacked your thread... I just wanted to say that you are not being selfish. It's hard splitting yourself between caring for your Mum, and looking after your child. And trying to have some sort of life yourself. Not sure I have any advice really... just know that you aren't alone.

CrotchetyHook Tue 21-Jun-11 22:14:16

I am sorry to hear you're going through this, but you do sound selfish.

"I just feel like my whole life is on hold and that I cannot have any fun."

I'm sure your mum is having a barrel of laughs hmm

"I had to cancel Glastonbury"

Why did you cancel going? It was obviously important to you, rather than spending time with your dying mother that you had to whine about it.

Have you said any of this in real life to anyone? No? Didn't think so.

GreenTeapot Tue 21-Jun-11 22:15:24

Oh Crotchety that's unbelievably callous!

MavisEnderby Tue 21-Jun-11 22:16:10

I think that was a little harsh,Crotchety sad

GreenTeapot Tue 21-Jun-11 22:16:39

Have you ever had to endure this? I assume if you have you were suitably content to endure everything that this sort of situation throws at you? What a horrible, pointless post. angry

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy Tue 21-Jun-11 22:22:20

has your mum had a referral for hospice care?I don't mean as in going into a hospice but having their support for all the family in this awful situation?

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