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How do I cope with this?

(4 Posts)
bude1 Mon 20-Jun-11 15:02:26

It's mil 60th birthday next month and dh is planning a party for her. I am now starting to panic a little as I am worried I will fall apart. Lost my mum a few months ago?
How do people cope eith this?

RuthChan Mon 20-Jun-11 18:50:30

I'm very hard to hear about your loss.
Events, anniversary and important family landmarks are always the hardest times after losing a loved-one. Those are the times that you start thinking about what you are missing and what that person will never join and see.

However, in this case, you need to try to separate the two circumstances in your mind and in your heart.
Your mum died. That is extremely sad and you, naturally, miss her a great deal.
Thankfully, your DH's mother is still alive and well enough to enjoy a 60th birthday party. It is a happy event and something worth celebrating.
Please don't hold it against your DH and MIL that they have something to celebrate. Instead, try to be happy and join in the fun as much as you can.
I'm sure your own mother would prefer you do that than spend a happy time being sad.

bude1 Tue 21-Jun-11 09:53:52

Thank you Ruth. I will try and do that. I know its crazy but I can't help resenting all the effort and expense we are going to for her. We never did that for my mum. In fact her last landmark birthday was spent in hospital. I am thankfull that mil is still around. If she wasn't my dc wouldn't have any grandparents. I guess I am feeling a bit guilty that we didn't organise anything like that for mum. We nearly did last year but again she was poorly at the time.
Also i suppose I am feeling a bit like dh doesn't really get how much I am hurting. He even suggested I could go away with mil and kids in school holiday as he doesn't have much holiday. This was something I had planned to do with my mum.

RuthChan Tue 21-Jun-11 20:21:13

Hi Bude.
I am SO sorry to hear that you feel guilty about your mum. That is really sad.
No wonder you are feeling so funny about your mil.
It is natural to bring the two situations together, but this only makes you feel worse, and, honestly, they are separate.

Try to look at it from the other point of view.
You didn't manage to celebrate your mum's birthday as you might have wished. She was sick and in hospital. Maybe she lacked the strength for a celebration and you all had other things on your minds than her actual birthday, being concerned about her sickness. You planned to go on holiday with your mum, but were unable to do so because of circumstances out of your control. This is very sad, but understandable.

In the meantime, your mil is still fit and healthy. She is still able to enjoy birthday parties and is able to go on holiday with you and your children.
Rather than feeling sad, jealous, uptight and a myriad of other negative emotions, how about making the most of a great situation.
Don't waste the great opportunities that you still have with your mil. Take her on holiday. Let your children spend as much time as possible with their remaining grandmother. Throw her the birthday party she deserves.
You will never forget about your mum and your mil will never replace her, but you can mourn your mum separately and still enjoy the remaining time you have with the remaining members of your family. I'm sure that's what your mum would tell you to do.

I'm sure your DH has no idea how much you are hurting. How could he? His mum is still alive. However, I'm sure that his suggestion for your holiday together was made with the best possible intentions and that he was simply trying to help.
In my experience too, men are sometimes clumsy and don't consider the full impact of their words and suggestions. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you and care. If he didn't care, he probably wouldn't say anything at all!

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