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7 years ago but still missing Mum

(10 Posts)
RoseWei Thu 16-Jun-11 09:01:53

Mum died 7 years ago today, in great pain after battles with cancer. She truly believed that she was going to get together with Dad, at last. I just hope she was right.

Can't share this anniversary with anyone, really. DH knows and also misses his very loving MIL. DS 2 has his last A2 exam today and of course I haven't mentioned it - he was 12 at the time and very, very close to Mum. He tendered her wonderfully when she was very ill and for some years missed her dreadfully. Hopefully his pain is easing now.

DS1 left home 18 months ago and wrote that he never wants to see me and DH again. My dad died on his 11th birthday and I have often wondered if that didn't have a terrible impact on him. They were also very, very close. I miss DS1 so much and as he was older when Mum died, would so love to talk with him about her and share happy memories. I think about DS1 constantly and his going was certainly - is certainly - a bereavement in itself. We don't know what happened except that we've been told that he's tried suicide twice - we can't get to him - he wants nothing to do with us. God, it hurts so much.

DS3 is younger - doing school exams, too and won't mention the anniversary to him until the weekend when we'll light candles in a church for mum and dad.

Not the kind of thing you share with mates or colleagues - and I have few close ones. Everyone has their burdens and painful reminders and thoughts.

Thank you for reading this far - good to share with this community.

snailoon Thu 16-Jun-11 09:08:25

I am so, so sorry. I lost my mother recently, and I miss her all the time, also lost my brother, and his anniversary is something I never mention; it is just too painful.
I think the worst pain must be your son leaving. I don't have any way of knowing, but it seems like you should keep trying to reach out to him if you can. Maybe he will come back at some point, and knowing you keep thinking about him can't hurt, can it?

RoseWei Thu 16-Jun-11 09:16:39

Oh, thank you snailoon. So sorry to hear about your mum and your brother - I hope that your pain eases over time. It will.

Also for the kind words about my DS - what triggered his anger, his leaving, we don't know. Although he's written that he doesn't want to hear from us and has written some truly awful, horrendous stuff about me in particular, you are so right - holding out the olive branch is nowhere more important than in a family. Thanks for the encouragement. For a long time I have felt like writing another, no matter whether he reads it or not. He needs to know that I love him unconditionally -

CheerfulYank Thu 16-Jun-11 09:17:17

I don't have anything constructive to add, but I'm so sorry. You must be hurting very much.

If you just want to talk about your mum, we'll listen.

snailoon Thu 16-Jun-11 09:25:51

Thanks RoseWei-- I agree with Cheerful-- tell us about your mum; we will think about her with you and help you feel that she isn't being forgotten. Losing my mother made me feel alone, even though I have a wonderful husband and kids. A mother (even an impossible one) gives you some kind of a feeling that there's a place for you on this earth. When she is gone, it is easy to feel lost, I think. Another reason I think it is worth trying with your son (though obviously I don't know the situation).
Do you have any siblings?

RoseWei Thu 16-Jun-11 12:40:02

Thanks snailoon and Cheeful for your kind and encouraging words.

Mum was lovely really - very good company. I used to love phoning her. I'd make myself a cup of tea and settle down for a long chinwag. Like me she was something of an insomniac and so chatting away at 11pm was quite ordinary for us.

She had lots of interests - she forbad the word 'boring' in our home, I think even scrubbing it out of the dictionary and used to say that 'only boring people are bored' - she honestly found everything rather fascinating. Mum was fairly religious - went through different churches including Quakers and eventually settled on the Catholics, like my Dad. But her eyes were always open - saw the good things in the church and the not so good. As a school teacher, she had no time for petty rules - when a boy once apologised to her for wearing trainers (thinking she was going to tell him off), she told him that she wasn't fussed about his feet - she wanted to see him happy and working well.

Yes, she was the glue in our family. Very bright but a wonderful example of carrying learning lightly - not at all pretentious - really very ordinary, busying herself in the garden, with voluntary activities and with family. Missed by DH and me and our kids. She was actually DH's adult education language teacher before DH and I met. He said she was a great teacher - very committed.

DS1 would not have gone had she been around - she'd have dealt with any grief he had - quietly and sensibly. God, I miss that boy. Cruel, terribly cruel though he has been in word and in deed, I just have to see something of his, such as a picture, a photo, an old toy and I well up. I haven't been into his room for over a year - he left 18 months ago.

Thank you for your encouragement to get in contact with him again. In spite of the awful, painful rejection, I have to remember that I am his mother, and not become some victim in whatever game he is so strangely involved in, and the 'grown up'.

Snailoon - I have a brother but sadly estranged. He has a very long (back to teenage years) history of drug and alcohol abuse and has turned his back on his family, including his first wife and his own kids. Terribly sad. He was very unkind to our parents, put them through hell but they carried on loving and there was some kind of reconciliation when each of them before he died. If only they were here to help me get through the estrangement that I now suffer with DS1.

Snailoon - I hope that your own pain diminishes soon - I guess it never disappears entirely but it does ease and become manageable most days.

Thanks again to you both - today, feeling quite alone and missing Mum and DS3, I am so grateful for this community.

whitecloud Thu 16-Jun-11 15:29:27

RosWei - so sorry to hear of your sadness. It is three years tomorrow since my Mum died and I am finding it hard, still. Just heard a song on the radio that reminds me of her, so have shed a tear, thinking of when she was ill. Strange how the grief comes back so strongly, even after years. Snailoon, I identify with that lost feeling - think what you say is so true. RosWei - I haven't been through anything so bad with my dd, am so sorry about your son. It sounds as if he is ill and all you can do is wait and hope he will get back in touch. If your brother wanted reconciliation, maybe your son will, too. Think if you are having a difficult time with your children, you long to ring your mother and ask for advice and just a shoulder to cry on, because they are on your side and help you to feel you can cope. It is so sad when you can't do that anymore. Thinking of you all.

RoseWei Thu 16-Jun-11 18:31:59

Whitecloud - will be thinking of you and your Mum tomorrow. Three years is no time at all - be gentle with yourself. I know what you mean about music. Today I played my Mum's favourite song (from G & S!) over and over again - she is written all over that song.

Thanks for kind words about my DS. I know what you mean - something happens and your first thoughts are:"I'll tell Mum". She's not here, as it were, but I still tell her lots of things.

Anyway, hoping tomorrow is a peaceful day for you.

snailoon Thu 16-Jun-11 22:28:14

RoseWei-Thanks for all the kind words. I'm so sorry, I have been out all day, but have thought of you and your mum as I rushed about.

Your mum sounds wonderful; the world needs more teachers like her who care about the important things and don't fuss over nonsense. How great that you could talk so easily, bring one another comfort, and just have fun chatting. You must have helped enormously as she came to terms with your brother's problems. Do you think she would have wanted you to keep trying to reach out to your son? or would she have thought he needed to go his own way for a while?
I think it is wonderful that your children had such a close and loving relationship with their grandparents. Just think how much better to have "loved and lost, than never to have loved at all". My parents were so old that only my 15-year-old really knew my mother before she became ill and impossible. She had 10 years of falling apart in every way, so the children didn't suffer much when she actually died, but they never had the chance to get to know her either.

Everything I write sounds kind of superficial and a bit obvious, but I don't mean it that way. I am really feeling for you and hoping that your children are bringing you some comfort and cheerful chaos. How are the exams going?

Whitecloud---Thank you for your understanding, and I am really sorry about your mum. I hope the memories you are having are comforting as well as sad, if you know what I mean. It is good to feel strong memories even if it is painful as well.
Are you doing anything special tomorrow in memory of your mum?

RoseWei Fri 17-Jun-11 21:55:26

Whitecloud - if you're listening ... you and your mum have been in my thoughts today. I hope the day passed peacefully for you. 3 years is no time at all - be very gentle with yourself.

Snailoon - thanks again for such kind and warm words. I'm sorry to hear about your mum's last years. It must have been a terrible strain on you all - I'm sure your children have memories of more vital times that will stay with them - or come to them as they get older. What you wrote isn't the least bit superficial. I've listened to you all and I am more determined than ever to pick myself up and reach out again and even more determinedly to my DS3. He has made contact with DS1 (who he was actually very, very nasty to) through the x-box and although I don't much care for the x-box (and monitor the games that DS1 has very closely), I suppose it's a start. Certainly, the grief over DS1's leaving and his extraordinarily angry notes and behaviour eclipse even the sadness I have over my mum and dad's passing.

Anyway, thank you all. I can honestly say that yesterday was made a million times more bearable by being able to share and hear back from other mothers who know just how empty life can seem after the death of a parent, even years later. I like your reference to 'cheerful chaos', snailoon. That's certainly the case here and thank god for it.

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