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It is my son's birthday today and I can't even smile

(27 Posts)
TheOriginalFAB Mon 13-Jun-11 10:50:17

His twin should be here. It isn't getting any easier. I wish so much he was here and I can't make it happen.

RunforFun Mon 13-Jun-11 10:54:00

I am very sad for you. This must be really tough.

How old is your son ? Is he aware of the situation ?

Pelagia Mon 13-Jun-11 10:56:05

I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could say. Do you want to tell us about your boys? Can you talk about this to anyone in real life?

TheOriginalFAB Mon 13-Jun-11 11:19:10

He is 6 today and my absolute darling. He has no idea that he had a twin but has had some problems related to it which seem to have resolved themselves now. We will tell him but at the stage he is now is too soon.

I feel a fraud as the baby died inside me but it is as real to me as anything. I wish so hard, why doesn't it work?sad

ajandjjmum Mon 13-Jun-11 11:21:20

Happy Birthday to your DS - give him a big hug from me.

So sorry about your baby.

RunforFun Mon 13-Jun-11 14:02:32

You are so not a fraud.

You are a very caring mum who is grieving for her lost son.

That said, it is still very important to celebrate today with your son and try to be happy with him, but I do accept that it will be hard inside.

Sorry dont mean to cause any offence. x

TheOriginalFAB Mon 13-Jun-11 17:08:03

DS has had a lovely day and is happy playing with a new toy. I have talked about it to DH and actually mentioned it to my MIL as she has never said anything about it - one year she bought twin trains hmmangrysad and it hurt me so much. FGS it was 6 years ago, I need to move on.

travellingwilbury Mon 13-Jun-11 17:11:47

Fab I am so sorry , it must be so hard having to celebrate today when you are still grieving .

And for the record I think 6 yrs is bugger all .

Can I ask why your ds doesn't know about his twin ?
I don't think there is a right or wrong way to deal with this but maybe if he knew then at least you would be able to talk openly and he would be included .

shabbapinkfrog Mon 13-Jun-11 17:18:16

I had twin boys at the end of 1981. The smallest twin was born with severe heart problems and very sadly died at 7 months. I have a good idea how you are feeling.

My 'survivor' will be 30 at the end of the year - he is a daddy to a wonderful 3 year old boy.

We always talked about his brother and we have his pictures around the house. He always says 'your memories are the only memories I have of my twin - Im glad you told me about him.' BUT your circumstances are different and I can understand why you haven't told your little man yet.

DS1 never, ever had a birthday party - I used to say it was because his birthday fell between Christmas day and New Years Day so we couldn't afford it. On his 21st birthday he had the biggest party ever. It was a difficult night for me because I wanted to shout out loud 'This is not fair your twin should be here.'

TheOriginalFAB Mon 13-Jun-11 17:23:04

I felt mean saying something to my MIL but so fed up it has never been mentioned ever. I am worried we have missed our chance to tell ds2. I was never going to tell him and things changed and also his siblings knew but he is such an emotional child that I don't think he can handle it yet.

BranchingOut Mon 13-Jun-11 17:27:46

How sad, Original Fab. Be gentle on yourself, it must be a tough day.

Shabba, I read your posts on other threads and have often thought about you and your little boy. I didn't realise that you had lost a twin.

shabbapinkfrog Mon 13-Jun-11 17:29:25

I dont think you have left it too late at all. My surviving boy was/is quite an emotional person as well. Im not sure how you would start that conversation though....let me have a think and I will try to remember how we talked about our twin to him. I think you would be suprised with your DS - as long as we dont tell fibs about bereavement children can handle things very well. They quickly suss out when we are trying to fib smile

shabbapinkfrog Mon 13-Jun-11 17:31:18

Branching - yes our little boys died 10 years apart. Have got their pictures on my MN profile. It has been a difficult road to walk but we are getting 'there' - wherever the hell 'there' is!

travellingwilbury Mon 13-Jun-11 17:39:02

Fab , I can absolutely understand why you haven't told him . But if you think you would like to then I am sure there is a way .

We lost our first son at 14mths old . Our second was born a couple of yrs later so in a lot of ways it was easier because he knew from a very early age and also he isn't a twin . I am sure that must add its own dimension to things . But I have found that as he has got older (he is 7 now) he is a lot better about it . Because we talk about him sometimes then my second son feels "in the loop" . I think for him when he did struggle with things related it was more to do with feeling left out .

TheOriginalFAB Mon 13-Jun-11 17:49:10

He has lost a grandparent so has had experience of a death in the family. DS1 has talked about another baby I lost and I'm afraid I did get a bit cross and ask him not too but I don't know if DS2 heard. That miscarriage doesn't upset me quite as much and I feel bad about that too.

travellingwilbury Mon 13-Jun-11 17:58:40

I honestly can understand why it might be seen as easier to not talk about it . But for me I have found things better since explaining to my two surviving sons about their brother .

They can ask questions sometimes that make me want to be sick with fear but they know about him when it is his birthday they always want to get him a balloon and talk about him . It is hard but for us it has been better .

Does anybody talk to you about the twin that you lost ?

Tillyscoutsmum Mon 13-Jun-11 18:07:04

I'm so sorry you lost your boy Fab sad.

I was a twin and my sister was still born. It was a BIG secret throughout my childhood and I eventually found out when I was in my early 20's. It would have explained so many things if I'd known earlier sad

I know it must be a very difficult conversation to start and I have no idea whether 6 is still too young but I would imagine its the sort of thing that the longer its left, the more difficult it is

NottsCounting Mon 13-Jun-11 18:15:46

I am sorry you are feeling sad Fab, but don't let it spoil the day for you or your DS.

I am right in thinking you lost DS's twin quite early on in your pregnancy, aren't I? It may not help you, but it is really, really common for this to happen - a huge number of us have had this happen, but we don't always know the pregnancy started off as two unless we have had an early scan.

Sad as it is, try not to dwell. Your DS will not have known about it or been affected by it (despite what you might have been told - by an osteo was it?), really he wasn't. You couldn't have done anything to stop it either, so no reason to feel blame or guilt. It really is just one of those cruel nature things. You have a lot of good things to focus on, so let yourself feel happy about your DS's birthday rather than getting worked up about this.

Hope you and your DS have a great birthday.

TheOriginalFAB Mon 13-Jun-11 18:24:16

No one ever talks about it. I feel awkward if I ever tell someone. I knew before the scan I had conceived twins. I just knew it would happen if we went for another baby. DS2 has had issues so saying it happens a lot and people don't know doesn't help me. My son has been affected and also he had treatment and if then was the first we knew about the twin it would have been very hard.

shabbapinkfrog Mon 13-Jun-11 18:31:53

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM
By Terry Kettering

There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting,
so it is hard to get around it.

Yet we squeeze by with,
“How are you?” and, “I’m fine,”
and a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.

We talk about the weather;
we talk about work;
we talk about everything else—
except the elephant in the room.

There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant
as we talk together.

It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all, but we do not talk about
the elephant in the room.

Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please, say “Barbara” again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about
the elephant in the room.

For if we talk about her death,
perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say, “Barbara” to you
and not have you look away?
For if I cannot,
then you are leaving me alone
in a room—with an elephant.

A little like this FAB? We often have the 'elephant in the room' in our family as well xxx

TheOriginalFAB Mon 13-Jun-11 18:33:40

Yes sad.
I am so sorry for you Shabba and a tad (a large one) blush as your loss is so much bigger. I know I am over reacting about the loss but It was my baby..

shabbapinkfrog Mon 13-Jun-11 18:37:52

Please dont feel like that - there is no death so sad as that of a precious child. No matter what the age of that child - or if they sadly didn't 'make it.' Sometimes life deals us crap bad stuff and the only way we can get through it is with support and talking about it. xxxxx You are right - your little man was/is your baby - and you are doing what any Mummy would do - you are missing him and grieving the life he didn't get to have xx

inthesticks Mon 13-Jun-11 18:40:21

Sorry you still feel sad FAB.
My DS was originally one of twins. I lost the other quite early in pregnancy. I have to be honest and say I wasn't greatly affected by it, just grateful that DS was healthy.
I just occasionally think wow what if there had been 2 like him?
We decided not to tell him and will stick to that. It's quite common I discovered at the time although I'd never heard of it before.

TheOriginalFAB Mon 13-Jun-11 18:43:33

Thank you Shabba. You are very kind.

Thanks to all of you.

DS2 appears to have had a lovely day and that is what I wanted.

NottsCounting Mon 13-Jun-11 21:58:49

FAB - I can inderstand why you might feel that your son was affected, but putting emotion aside, what do you mean specifically? What treatment did he have? Are you sure you are not projecting your feelings onto him?

I do wonder if you are 'building' this up into being bigger than it really is as a form of self sabotage on a happy day (as you said before you find it hard to be happy). I know losing a baby is horrid - many, many of us have been there. However, at some point you have to accept and move on and not let it intrude. That pregnancy gave you a healthy little boy - you have a lot to be happy for smile.

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