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How do others react to your grief?

(4 Posts)
toptramp Wed 08-Jun-11 17:40:45

I started a thread on Am I being unreasonable regarding how I am behaving towards my friends and how they are in turn reacting to my grief. I daren't read it as I got such a pasting so I thought I'd have more support on this topic. You might know my mum has two months to live thread.
I spend yesterday with my terminally ill mum and it broke my heart to see her suffer so asking my dad to let her die etc. I am already grieving and I am so angry and bitter that she is leaving us in this way and so young.
One of my good mates lost her dad about 10 years ago but yesterday she was pressurising me into getting out a library book and I just snapped. She then said ''I know grief''. I just feel upset as I thought if she knows grief she's empathise a bit more. Of course I know I am being unreasonable but I just don't want anyone to make excessive demands on me right now. I just want everyone to bog off. They have their mums and soon i won't. Anyone else feel irationally angry and are your friends at a loss how to act or what to say. Very lonely isn't it?

RuthChan Wed 08-Jun-11 18:11:29

I am SO sorry to hear of your situation. It must be truly truly awful to have to watch your mum suffer from terminal illness.
I lost my mum when I was 15, though the circumstances were somewhat different from yours.

It's not surprising that anger forms some part of your emotions at this time. Of course you feel angry and hard-done-by that you have to lose your mum when others can keep theirs for a few years longer.
These things are so illogical and irrational, there is no fairness in any part of it.

I'm sorry that your friends are finding it hard to empathise with you, particularly the one who lost her Dad. However, time is a great healer and maybe she has simply forgotten quite how much it hurt. Or maybe she lost her father in different circumstances and can't empathise with yours so much.

Friends are so important, now and also after your mum eventually passes away. You will need to rely on them and talk with them, as well as being distracted by them and forgetting your grief sometimes.
This is a time when you will learn who are your real friends and who are less so.

When you feel anger and need some space or someone to back off, try to avoid being snappy. Instead try to tell them calmly that you need some space. If necessary simply walk away.
But however you react or cope, don't worry. Your real friends will understand and will not judge you for it. They will still be there at the end of the tunnel when you need them.

toptramp Wed 08-Jun-11 22:08:41

Thank you so much Ruth. I fucking hate cancer.

Toptramp - grief is same but different if you see what I mean!!!! My mum died from lung cancer last August and it was the worst time of my life.

I lost a couple of what I classed as good friends as they just didnt know how to handle it when mum was ill and then died...I cant forgive them for that so the friendships are no more!

People grieve in a different way. With cancer, some (such as my sister) start to grieve when the disgnosis is made -for me I couldnt even begin that process whilst she was still with us, I had to wait until she died. Sometimes I feel that I havent started grieving properly yet as I dont feel I am "sad" enough. Of course I am bloody devastated but life has carried on as normal too.....I feel I am betraying her by that!

I am so sorry for you honey - I remember the feeling of utter despair and desperation when mum was ill...I would be out or having friends round and suddenly I would smile and then think - how the fuck am I smiling whilst my mum is so ill. I remember hysterically crying in the middle of the night and pleading with god to just make her better and not take her....its a gut wrenching bloody horrid thing to go through and I wish I could give you a hug.

My friends that were true friends were just there - they didnt tell me how to behave - so patronising - no one knows if they have not been through it.

cancer is a fucking horrid disease - I am running the race for life on sunday in memory of my wonderful mum...hopefully one day we can eradicate it but for now its scary how many lives it takes. My mum was a non smoker her whole life and died from lung cancer, so bloody unfair! xx

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