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weeonion Fri 03-Jun-11 14:43:47

my MIL died very suddenly and unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago. she was living with her dh of that time.

She and her dh certainly had tense relationships with her 4 adult kids but she spent one day a week with my dd and dp. DD really really loved her and dp had become alot closer to her through these weekly times.

Her other kids dont live close by so dp and i organised and sorted the funeral etc. i was asked by dp to tidy her house, clean and sort it and also go through her papers to sort out wills, insurances etc.

In that initial process I found letters written, in envelopes but not stamped/ addressed to her kids in amongst a pile of magazines. It was really awful finding them and because of what she was saying - i have hidden them. I dont know if any happiness, comfort or closure will come from them ever reading what she had written, which was heartbreaking in how she saw herself, her life her relationships and her kids. she didnt pull any punches in how she felt they had been treating her and how she felt so terribly judged and let down by them (alot of which i agree with btw)

I know many will think i should not have read them. I wish I hadnt but i have. i am finding it hard to come to terms with knowing this stuff when they dont. It has not made my own grieving any easier and i havent spoken to anyone on what i read or how i am feeling about it.

I have the letters hidden away. do you think i should burn them or give them to her children?

joruth Fri 03-Jun-11 16:34:12

Oh my goodness! Poor you.

Did it look as though the letters were recent or had she written them some time ago? I think if they are older she probably didn't intend to post them, but if they are recent that doesn't really help. Could you share the fact that you have found some things that she has written with her husband...without being specific and see if he has a feeling for what is best? Holding a secret like this in a family will impose a HUGE burden on you and does not seem fair on you.

Best wishes, I hope you are able to find space for your own grief.

weeonion Fri 03-Jun-11 22:56:32

thanks joruth. i mistakenly started another thread with same post and have responded to others who also kindly left messages.

She had dated them 6 days before she died so very recent. i dont have any kind of relationship with her husband and he is a difficult man to speak to at the best of times. He had an estranged relationship with her family and is very angry with them at the moment over a number of things. If he knew such letters existed - i think he would want to see them. I think then refusing to share them would not be too pleasant a position to be in. I think he would tell her kids that they existed and if he read them, the contents.

i would hate to think of her words being used in further anger against her.

As i say on the other thread - i'm finding it hard as it all keeps going through my head. It is harder still to listen to the kids talk about her, when her words contradict alot of what some of them are saying.

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