1st Pregnancy & no Mums to help

(4 Posts)
KtShez Sun 10-Apr-11 11:18:54

I'm pregnant for the 1st time. Happily married, no worries really, but both our Mums have passed away.

I have a few very close friends but they don't live locally, and I find it hard to make new friends because I am quite shy and never sure what to say. I get easily intimidated by more confident people.

I feel that I just really want to talk to Mum about pregnancy and parenting, and I can't.

Was just wondering if anyone else is in a similar position?

(The town where we live hasn't got much going on in the way of aquanatal or yoga for pregnant women etc, which I would love to do.)

At present DH seems far more excited about bump than I am, but I'm sure it's just because I'm so sad at the moment about Mum - I'm happy about having a baby.

OP’s posts: |
3CloudydaysBeforeSonRise Sun 10-Apr-11 19:49:01

Hi KtShez I don't have any practical advice really but just wanted to respond. My situation was different (and maybe not quite so hard) because MIL is on the scene, but my own mother died years before I met dp or had dd.

I have never missed her as much as I did when I was pregnant and then when dd was tiny, so I really feel for you. I struggled with breastfeeding and had all the usual hormonal ups and downs, and I felt really cheated by the fact that I didn't have her there to lean on or to ask advice of. More than that, I felt it was so unfair that she had been robbed of the chance to be a grandmother (she would have been such an amazing one) and that my dd had been robbed of such a loving, inspiring, strong presence in her life.

If I'm honest it is a sadness that I think I will always have to live with, and as I'm sure you've already experienced there are times that it feels liveable, and other times when it hits like a ton of bricks.

Everyone's different of course, and I was blessed with a very supportive dh and a very easygoing baby, but for me the emotional aspect of my Mom's absence was much, much harder than the practical aspect. Once the baby was here, I found that instinct and common sense (and the occasional google or question on MN) did see me through in terms of making decisions and growing confidence re: caring for dd. In a strange way, I even felt a sense of freedom in knowing that my mother was not going to be judging or approving/disapproving of the way that I was doing things.

You are already dealing with the emotional side of your mother's absence, so I just wanted to offer some reassurance that the practical side might not be as bad as you think. You will find your way, and it is wonderful to be part of a mother/child relationship again.

As far as meeting others, have you tried the Mumsnet Local boards? I'm not in the UK but I did meet some lovely women through a parenting site where I am and it really does help to be able to compare notes with others who have babies of the same age.

I'm sorry for your loss, and for your dh's loss too. All the very best of luck with your pregnancy and your little one's arrival.

Knackeredmother Sun 10-Apr-11 19:55:45

Hi, I'm on my phone but can't write too much but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.
My mum died while I was pregnant with my first baby and my husbands mum had died a few years previously . My dad lives 5 hours away and we rarely see dh dad.
It is really hard when all your friends have their mums to help out and I must admit I was bitter about the injustice of it all for a long time. I have 2dc (3 and 16 months) and I really really miss my mum and it is bloody hard not being able to share with her the joy my children bring.
I talk to my dc about her all the time and show them pictures.
No practical advice really but just want you to know you aren't the only one as it will often feel that way.
Congratulations btw!

KtShez Wed 13-Apr-11 20:07:19

Thanks for your replies. Feel a bit better knowing there are other people out there with similar stories.

Definitely agree with some of your points, like feeling an injustice when other mums-to-be have their Mums around, when mine would have sooo loved being a grandparent. Yeah, I feel so sad for her missing out!

Also can sort of see the benefits of doing things without Mum looking over my shoulder (although I don't like admitting that!)

And I suppose Mum showed me so well what being a Mum meant, so I am looking forward to doing it myself.

I still don't know how I'll feel when he/she is born though, but I will have to wait and see.

Forgot to say also that Mum's Mum is still around, and she is so happy (at 97), but I also have the worry of HER not being round for ever.

Oh dear, think my hormones are causing me stress at the moment, I'm normally very easy going!

Anyway, started the nursery the other day and that made me fell a lot lot more excited : )

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