A friend's baby just died

(25 Posts)
BudaBabe Wed 19-Oct-05 20:50:28

In tears here as just heard that a friend had a baby girl yesterday and the baby died today.

She is not a close friend but a very good friend of a very good friend. Living overseas your friendships become very intense as you have no family around. I lent her my Moses basket and bedding and she picked it all up about 4/5 weeks ago. All excited and blooming. Knew she was having a girl.

Apparently she was induced yesterday and it all went wrong. No other details as yet other than knowing that it is thought that they let her go too long. Baby born yesterday, taken into intensive care last night and poor wee thing died this evening.

I have just had to phone our mutual friend who is now living back in UK.

Life is SO BLOODY UNFAIR.

What do I do? We are not close friends but other than her DH and some of his colleagues & their wives she doesn't have anyone here. I just want to let her know I am here for her.

OP’s posts: |
Hulababy Wed 19-Oct-05 20:53:54

Let her know you are there and ready tolisten. A card might be a good way to let those initial offers known, followed by a visit when she is out of hospital and had chance to get settled back at home. Not too long a wait that she thinks you have ignored it all IKSWIM.

I am so sorry for you, and especially for your friend and her dear baby.

QueenVictoria Wed 19-Oct-05 20:56:10

So sorry to hear that budababe. I dont know what to say .

spookylips Wed 19-Oct-05 20:56:47

so sad to hear!!... best to send her a card for now to let her know that youre thinking of her and her baba too as she wont be wanting to see people atm.....

kama Wed 19-Oct-05 20:59:01

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expatinscotland Wed 19-Oct-05 20:59:43

Aw, Buda, that is so dreadful to hear!

Just don't forget about her. At Mothering Sunday, at the baby's birthday, etc.

A lot of times, when one's lost a child, people think bringing it up again will hurt the parents' feelings. But it's so painful when no one acknowledges that those parents are STILL a mum and dad, that their child STILL has a birthday, etc.

Reeceyboy Wed 19-Oct-05 20:59:46

LIFE IS UNFAIR, FEEL INCREDABLY FOR YOUR FRIEND AND YOU AS FRIEND WHO WANTS TO OFFER SOME HELP I LOST A BABY AT 22 WEEKS DEVASTING... THE BEST THING IS TO BE THERE TO LISTEN WHEN SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT/CRY ABOUT IT/ BE ANGRY ABOUT IT/REMEMBER IT/NOT UNDERSTAND IT/ DON'T BE AFRAID TO OFFER YOUR SUPPORT ASAP JUST LET HER KNOW YOU ARE THERE TO LISTEN TAKE CARE ZOE

Roobie Wed 19-Oct-05 21:00:10

Sorry to hear this ..... it's heartbreaking isn't it?
I know from my close friends who experienced a very late still-birth that they really appreciated all the cards and letters they received from people. It is important to acknowledge their baby (as opposed to referring to their "loss") and, at this initial stage, not get too carried away trying to put things into words and say the right thing etc. There really is nothing that you can say that can make them feel better so it's better just to keep it simple and say how upset you feel and how you are thinking about them etc.

FrumpyGrumpy Wed 19-Oct-05 21:00:25

She feels you're a friend if she borrowed a moses basket (a precious thing for a new baby). Don't skirt the issue, always say exactly how you feel and it will be the right thing. Don't force a companionship but do let her know you are about for her, sometimes an 'almost stranger' is easiest to talk to. You won't know how she feels but you are able to offer practical support and a supportive ear. Best of luck to you and to her. Too sad.

RTKMonherBROOMSTICK Wed 19-Oct-05 21:01:32

Send a card and let her talk and her DH as well

cos the daddy is sometimes forgotten

At a later time suggest SANDS to her

RTKMonherBROOMSTICK Wed 19-Oct-05 21:02:41

here is the website for SANDS

BudaBabe Wed 19-Oct-05 21:08:02

Thanks everyone. I just feel so helpless. I feel so sad for her as she took a long time to meet the right guy. The got married - are great together - a really lovely fun couple. He was SO excited about being a Dad. They went to antenatal classes here and HE was in tears. They were both so excited to be having this baby.

It seems so unfair that it was a normal, healthy pregnancy all the way through and now this. And I know they will always wonder if things would have been different if she had chosen to go home to have her baby. They do things differently here. The reason they induced was apparently because she was 10 days overdue.

Our close mutual friend is obviously very upset too but also feels that she abandoned her. They arrived here at the same time and both struggled with living here and were very close.

I just keep thinking of them sat in the hospital and I burst into tears.

OP’s posts: |
LeahE Wed 19-Oct-05 21:08:59

I know someone who has lost a number of children and now contributes to bereavement materials -- she has a web page here that gives advice for friends of bereaved parents. YOu might find it useful as it covered a number of things I wouldn't have thought of.

weesaidie Wed 19-Oct-05 21:12:52

That is so terrible, I am close to tears myself just imagining how tough it must be.

I am sure they will both just appreciate you being there for them. I think expat makes some ecellent points.

So sorry.

Springchicken Wed 19-Oct-05 21:14:20

How awful Don't know what to say.

BudaBabe Wed 19-Oct-05 21:49:31

LeahE- Thanks so much for that link.

My heart goes out to your friend.

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Trickorflum Wed 19-Oct-05 21:51:32

Oh how heart breaking for her. I would write her a letter saying exactly how you feel. Bereaved people always say how much letters help, maybe not immediately but when re-read at a later date. Don't worry to much about saying the right thing, just be natural.

FrumpyGrumpy Thu 20-Oct-05 20:38:16

Keep posting, thinking about you all.

BudaBabe Thu 20-Oct-05 20:53:05

Hi all

Received a text from my friend this am telling me that her baby had died. Have been finding out from various sources what actually happened.

She was induced (reluctantly) on Tuesday as was 10 days over. Everything went really fast and 3 hours later baby was born. The super up-to-date swanky new private hospital can't cope with emergencies so baby transferred to another hosp. Mum followed when stitched up etc. Baby in intensive care. Parents told no hope. Were allowed hold her as she died.

Official reason is placental abruption and oxygen deprivation.

Spoke to the Dad tonight. He is in total awe of his wife as she is being so strong. Worries me a bit. She has texted me to say that she is trying to come to terms with everything but knows that in the future will need lots of long talks and TLC.

Baby was baptised - Annabelle Louise - not too sure of spelling - but please remember her in your prayers.

I cried so much last night that I threw up and I have been a basket case all day. Can't even imagine how they are feeling.

I would love to do something special in memory of the baby. Any suggestions? Would naming a star after her be totally tacky?

OP’s posts: |
Springchicken Thu 20-Oct-05 20:56:11

Not at all Budabebe, think it's a lovely sentiment. It's good that she is being strong but I hope she lets herself grieve properly, not that I am an expert or anything, just think it must be better out than in.
Thinking of your friends and of course of Annabelle Louise x

Amanda1 Thu 20-Oct-05 21:45:26

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LadySherlockofLGJ Thu 20-Oct-05 21:50:37

Amanda

How are you darling ??

Bud


I am sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks, you will find the right thing to say and do.

JoolsToo Thu 20-Oct-05 21:53:15

how very sad.

Amanda1 - I didn't know, my heart goes out to you and your family.

BudaBabe Thu 27-Oct-05 21:44:48

Thaks for messages.

Amanda1 - I really feel for you. I read of your loss and was so sad for you. Not being a frequenter of the antenatal groups I hadn't been aware of your situation. Hope you don;t mind but I read back on the threads. You have been through so much. I would love to be able to help in some way but I know that I can't. Time will help you. It sounds trite but my Mum had a stillbirth and she says that although she hated hearing that phrase, it IS true. It will never go away - and nor woudl you want it to - you need to remember your little one. But you will cope. You have your wonderful DD to keep you going. That is what my Mum reckoned helped her - she had to get up every day for me - I was 4 at the time.

Hugs.

OP’s posts: |
Amanda1 Sun 30-Oct-05 10:23:35

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