do i go to my mums funeral

(13 Posts)
ellestone Tue 15-Feb-11 12:05:25

I just found out my mother has died and i am not sure whether to go to the funeral or not. I have not had much contact with her for over the last 15 yrs. None at all in the last five, since my child was born when she stopped all contact. my childhood was very difficult and i have no lovley memories of my mum, she was a alcoholic with no use for children. i really tried to accept her as a flawed person who "did the best she could"once i was an adult but she was a impossible person who never took responsibilitiy for her actions or cared how it affected her kids. Going to the funeral will be a difficult situation as there will be people there i don't want to see. I am worried that if i go i might crack up and not cope with all the dynamics that the funeral will open up.
I now live a 10 hr plane ride away from my home and will have to go the the funeral by myself as dh will have to stay here to care for dc. What do i do........
am i wrong for not wanting to go to mums funeral?

OP’s posts: |
brokeoven Tue 15-Feb-11 12:09:00

Not wrong, not wrong at all.
Its about self preservation isnt it.
If you were to take that 10 hour plane ride at a later date you could go to the grave but why distress yourself.

If it were me, i would not go. Others may disagree (you only have one mum brigade) for me, i get what you are saying though.
HTH

bigTillyMint Tue 15-Feb-11 12:09:21

My dad was an alcoholic. I had no contact with him from when my parents divorced to when he died (20+years)

I didn't go to the funeral, and don't regret that 15 years on.

Of course you are not wrong for feeling like this. Go with what you feel is best for you and don't let anyone make you feel guilty.

ellestone Tue 15-Feb-11 12:43:26

thanks for your support. I think the main thing is that i feel guilty that my sister is stuck having to sort everything out (funeral ect). She had a very difficult relationship with my mum but she is the only one living in the country. My other sister had not spoken a word to my mom in 21 yrs and absolutly hated her. I am 8-9 yrs younger than my sisters and they both left home at 16, i left at 15 as well. Therfore we are all very disconected as a family and there are sadly no close ties to anyone. None of this is my sisters fault and i feel i should support her (as she is the only one to deal with it) but in a selfish way I am worried it will send me over the egde.

OP’s posts: |
bigTillyMint Tue 15-Feb-11 13:24:59

How tricky.

Luckily my fathers SIL and family sorted his funeral, so I didn't have to get inviolved in anything.

Are you and your sisters on good terms? Can you talk to the one who has to sort it all out about how you feel?

limpingbint Tue 15-Feb-11 13:28:52

I think it would be a good call for you to stay away, Honestly, it serves no purpose and will provide you with no comfort so why do something so difficult and potentially emotionally challenging. I am so sorry you lost your Mum but it seems to that happened a long time before she died.

solo Tue 15-Feb-11 13:34:43

You don't have to go at all; but do you think that going would close the door once and for all? if there are any traces of unresolved feelings there and you don't go, they may never leave you. I hope you make the right decision for you.

CPtart Tue 15-Feb-11 14:06:08

Don't go, but set some time aside on the day of the funeral itself to go someplace quiet, maybe leave some flowers, say a prayer and your goodbyes to the past in your own way.

ellina Tue 15-Feb-11 22:50:27

I don't think I would go in your situation. You could always visit her grave (if she has one) later on. We organised my dad's funeral recently. It isn't too much work. The hard work comes in sorting out their paperwork and house afterwards. Perhaps you could offer to help your sister with that side of things if you felt up to it.

Pancakeflipper Tue 15-Feb-11 22:54:25

I think I would probably wouldn't go and on the plane ticket cost saved - offer the sister sorting stuff out to come out to visit soon for a break after these upsetting events. And you both grieve and cry together but hopefully both be able to move on abit.

exexpat Wed 16-Feb-11 11:25:48

You're a ten-hour plane journey away, you haven't had contact with your mother for five years (for good reason, by the sound of it), and there will be people at the funeral you don't want to see? Why are you even considering going?

atswimtwolengths Wed 16-Feb-11 13:54:35

Because of her sister, I think, exexpat.

exexpat Wed 16-Feb-11 14:30:48

But if she's a ten-hour plane journey away, she's not going to be able to help her sister with the funeral arrangements much anyway, unless she leaves her DCs for much longer.

And I would guess that if the OP would be turning up, possibly jetlagged, trying to avoid certain people at the funeral and dealing with all the complex emotions over her mother's death, without her DH or anyone else close to support her other than her sister, it might be easier for her sister if she wasn't there anyway.

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