I met an old friend the other day, we weren't that close before, but she has kept in touch on the phone with me and as we live far apart this was the first time we had met in ages.
I was struck by how confident and poised she seemed and realised that the loss has beaten that out of me.
I am in survival mode - getting by through sheer willpower - vigilant at every turn for the next banana skin that life might throw my way.
Whereas I used to be like her, I can't really explain how she was more than the word poise. Groomed, confident, taking life's traumas in her stride - life always will throw up difficulties - but dealing with it and emerging as strong.
Whereas I am like someone who life ran over who is managing to carry on walking with half a leg, waving a tennis racket in the air to bat off the random falling of balls. Outwardly I look calm but that is how I feel inside.
Does that make sense? How do I get back to that poised person or has that gone? It is affecting work as I don't think I am going to get a promotion - and probably the image I am projecting is not the right one. Getting that promotion was all part of plan A - the plan that included her - and letting go of that plan A is incredibily hard as it means letting go of her a little bit more. Otherwise I don't really care about the promotion.
Maybe it is time for a new start - caring about my appearance would be a beginning - getting a bit of time in the mornings back in order to do this.
Sorry for going on, just needed to get it off my chest.
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how losing a child changes you
19 replies
givingmeaheadache · 09/02/2011 06:21
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