what losing a child does to a dad

[givingmeaheadache]

I posted a while back about how I was feeling about my friendship circle, and after much thought realised for me, I had got stuck. (I read elsewhere on here about the drama triangle, and googled it, and realised I had got stuck in victim mode, and needed to accept some of the responsibility for keeping in touch with people). So I am all set to make changes in 2011.

Now I am looking at my marriage and how things have changed. I think DH is not the person he used to be. He hasn't discussed things with anyone and is unlikely to. He is a lot less confident than he used to be, unless he has had a few drinks (which causes issues as he then takes the lie in the next day), and a lot more cutting in his comments. (I guess this tallies up with a loss in confidence as it makes him feel better about himself)

I might post this in relationships but just wondered if anyone had any thoughts. I know men grieve differently and that the grief path can take you on different roads, but it would be quite nice if the roads could converge, now that we are a few years on and have another baby.
I think it has really changed him from a compassionate man who believed in a just world to someone shaken to his core by what happened, who hasn't processed it in any way shape or form but outwardly looks the same and functions by just getting on with life, but deep down has lost so much.

How did other people's DH's deal with things, did it effect your relationship, were you able to move on together?

[Cosmosis]

I think men often think they have to be strong and bottle up their emotions, which is such a bad thing to do. I know my dad benefited greatly from counselling from cruse when my mum and brother were killed, is that something he would consider? so sorry for your loss.

[BCBG]

I think its hard for all of us to accept that life is a fluid process, and that our characters aren't fixed but change and develop throughout our time. We have great friends who lost their eldest (and then only) dc at 2 from Epiglottitis: she choked to death in her Daddy's arms... ... they now have other dcs, but the scars ARE there: both of them are harder somehow, much more ruthless about protecting and focusing on their family interests first, and the DH went from being a man of faith to being an atheist overnight. Its 18 years now, and they still mark the key dates but only their closest friends understand: my girlfriend has only broken down once in may years, and that was this summer when they attended an 18th celebration for a friend's child and she saw the birth date printed on a box of matches . What I am trying to say is don 't give up on him, but accept that you and he are both evolving; if you can get through the tough times it will get better.

[givingmeaheadache]

Thanks for replies, it really helped. I guess it affected us both in different ways and the key is just to make massive allowances... rather than letting it build up into massive resentment.

And then try to get things back on track by spending time together