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It's 15 years today since my Mum died.

(22 Posts)
IwishIcouldmeetSanta Mon 27-Dec-10 21:28:09

I've kept busy all day, but now I've sat down it feels like the bottom has fallen out of my world all over again.

I have wine, I guess that's not the best idea.

Dh doesn't seem to even have remembered (he never met her to be fair).

I will sob quietly to myself once he's asleep tonight.

I still miss her terribly and get cross at all the things that she's missed out on

NotNowBernardImStuffingTheBird Mon 27-Dec-10 21:30:23

I'm so sorry sad

Do try and let DH know how you're feeling - you need some TLC x

lagrandissima Mon 27-Dec-10 21:34:43

Tonight could you sit down and write a letter - possibly to your mum (if you know what I mean) - just tell her what you need to say. It might help.

So sorry to hear you still so upset. I don't think you can 'get over' the death of someone you love so dearly, but perhaps seeing a bereavement counsellor might help you live more comfortably with your loss.

plupervert Tue 28-Dec-10 00:30:40

What did you do when she died? Did you mourn properly? I agree with other posters; it sounds as though you have never got the help you need.

Do you want to come back and tell us more about her?

MeUnscrabbly Tue 28-Dec-10 00:35:25

It's two and half years since my mum died, so not an anniversary, but just another christmas without her.

She loved christmas smile

Thirteen years since my dad died. He hated christmas so, I'll give him a bah humbug hmm grin

It would be lovely to have christmas with my family, sadly that isn't possible so I make do with dh's family. They're lovely, they are. grin

plupervert Tue 28-Dec-10 00:39:03

What a lovely response, MeUnscrabbly. I hope you all had fun!

alypaly Tue 28-Dec-10 00:59:57

iwishicouldmeetsanta...........i know exactly how you feel. lost my my mum just over 3 years ago and her picture in my bedroom makes me cry everytime i pick it up. nothing seems the same without your mum. you never envisage life without them...well i didnt anyway. when the presents are being unwrapped and xmas dinner is on the table i miss seeing her at the dinner table and in spring when the birds are singing and the sun is out....i want her back because she loved the sunshine soo much. she loved to feel the sand between her toes and walk on the beach.

i miss her toosad

mamakoukla Tue 28-Dec-10 01:17:26

My Mum passed away fifteen years ago, just before Christmas. She loved the Christmas season and I try to remember her in things I do. I realise I'll never get her back but there is so much she did leave behind her.

This year was a tough year too. Same as you, my DP completely forgot, and he also had never met her. I had a tough day but then decided I would get dressed up nicely and have my hair done... she always looked after herself well. I went out, got some fresh air and had a good walk. It didn't change things but it made it better. I am planning a 'mummy' day on her anniversary next year, to remind me of all of the great things that were my mum. I know I'll miss her but it could be a good day of memories too.

Whenever I have lost somebody, I try to remember their best bits and adopt them into my life. Not saying I always manage this or that I still don't get sad. The depth of the sadness is a reflection of your regard. I try to console myself that I was lucky to have shared part of life with them and to realise what a blessing that was. It doesn't change the pain but it puts it in a different light.

IwishIcouldmeetSanta Tue 28-Dec-10 21:09:41

Thanks for your kind responses.

I went to bed early and did sleep pretty well, with minimal tears.

It seems daft to miss her so much.

We were close, but not really close. I'm one of 3, I think the other 2 were closer to her - they were more girly than me, enjoyed going shopping with her, going to the hairdressers together, learning about make up etc. I am closer to my Dad.

When she died it was pretty sudden. She ahd been diagnosed with cancer 7 months previously but I had never been told how serious it was (I was away at University). She went into hospital on Christmas day and died 2 days later.

I went back to University as usual and I suppose I never really did grieve "properly"

What form would counselling take? How could it help me so many years on?

plupervert Wed 29-Dec-10 10:24:52

There's so much time at Christmas to think about our families; in fact - with schools/nurseries/lots of jobs closed - we are more or less forced to change our schedule to spend the time in family instead. I guess this also means the bereaved can "separate" the season from "normal life", both to the negative (dreading the season, suffering during it) and to the "positive" (knowing how to enjoy the season, thanks to the one who is gone ...or the slightly less positive being "able to cope" for the rest of the year - by bottling it up).

IwishIcouldMeetSanta, I'm sure your GP would be a good place to start, in seeking counselling. If you are still grieving, there is plenty to be done, so I don't doubt it would help, even if it's just learning how not to bottle things up.

lagrandissima Thu 30-Dec-10 07:51:04

I believe this organisation is very helpful. You will at least be able to talk to other people who have been lost loved ones in similar circumstances.

From what you say, it does sound like your mother's illness progressed swiftly, and that you might not have had time to deal with it, and her passing, at the time.

Even though you say you were not "close" to her (in a shopping/make up way), I am sure the depth of your love for each other equal to those of your siblings. She would not have carried you and raised you without developing a bond, and similarly (in usual circumstances) a child loves her mother. It sounds like you almost feel you had less of a right to grieve because you didn't do the same things as adults - that is a nonsense, she was your mum and you her child.

Try to take comfort from the fact that part of her lives in you, and your children, and the fact that you are a loving mother to them.

IwishIcouldmeetSanta Thu 30-Dec-10 20:00:57


I think I might need to talk things through with someone, try to make abit more sense of it all and how I'm feeling.

It seems like a big step, and not one that I'm feeling terribly brave about right now.

Plupervert, I think you might be right about coping when life goes on at its normal hectic pace. Maybe that's when I'll feel brave enough to take on this next step.

One thing I'm going to promise myself is that this time next year I'll be better prepared to deal with it.

plupervert Thu 30-Dec-10 20:24:55

Life will rev up again in a few days' time, GPs' surgeries will reopen, and you can book yourself in.

I don't want to upset you, but I think you are right to be a bit anxious, because when you start digging into your grief, it should hurt again, as it all comes back. (By the way, this is "right to be anxious" not because I want you to be anxious and to experience dread, but because it will be more horrible to be taken off guard).

Yet you can carry on being ambushed by this - horrible, unexpected, uncontrollable pain that you absolutely don't know how to deal with - for years, or feel that you have to try something different, as you are considering.

Just a few more days....

IAmReallyFabNow Thu 30-Dec-10 20:25:27

Im so sorry sad

IwishIcouldmeetSanta Thu 30-Dec-10 20:56:38

Plupervert - Thank you, you're very kind.

I will be brave. I will face up to it. I have another health issue that I'm trying to get to the bottom of atm. One thing at a time I think, but I really know that I don't want to be feeling like this again next year.

It kind of feels like I need to be cruel to myself to be kind in the long run.

plupervert Fri 31-Dec-10 10:02:45

It's so sad to hear you talking about being cruel to yourself. sad You are being brave rather than cruel. And hopefully you're just displacing a little of the pain of this long run of grieving Christmases, and cancelling the rest (of the run).

IwishIcouldmeetSanta Fri 31-Dec-10 19:54:22

OK, so short term pain for long term gain.

I am going to do this (repeats to self).

AFingerofFudge Fri 31-Dec-10 20:09:33

Just quickly popped in (have got to go do a nighshift at work - grr) but didn't want to leave without saying something.
I posted the other day on this thread when it was 25 years since my mum died.
In my experience ( and obviously it could be different to you) DH's, friends etc, don't remember, not because they want to be cruel, but just because it wasn't their mum, my DH obviously didn't meet my mum. I've never really wanted to flag it up, but equally some years just got a bit miffed when he didn't say something.
Now I just put out a little remark these days, and I think it reminds him that I might be a bit wobbly or on edge or whatever I feel that time.
FWIW, I do react differently as the years go by, and it's only in the last few years or so when the kids have got excited by Christmas that I have started to enjoy it again.
Be gentle with yourself, everyone does grieving differently.

plupervert Sat 01-Jan-11 21:28:25

Does the New Year allow you to declare a new start, or are you still feeling sad?

I wish a happy, peaceful and healthy New Year to all.

MrsNonSmoker Mon 03-Jan-11 15:46:40

35 years this week since my Mum died, never a day goes past when it doesn't come to mind but for some reason this year has hit me terribly hard. Thinking of you all.

IwishIwasmoreorganised Mon 03-Jan-11 20:44:42

No, I'm feling back to normal again now thanks.

It really seems to hit me on the anniversary and for the following few days. No build up but I guess that's because it's Christmas day and Boxing day so I'm kept very busy.

I supppose then I push things back under the carpet and carry on as normal.

plupervert Tue 11-Jan-11 22:41:40

How are you getting on, now January is here?

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